Why you should still make an effort even when you can’t be bothered

I was having one of those days…. well…. one of those weeks really… heck, make it a month!

Recent transitional changes in our lives resulted in my husband and I feeling somewhat depleted the last few weeks. Work has been very busy for both of us, we’ve had to arrange a few new things around childcare and our daughters have been well…. ‘challenging’ would be the politically correct word (‘little, bitchy dictators’ are the actual words that come to mind though).

Naturally, life comes with its ups and downs, and often I feel guilty for even puffing up about, what I feel are, first world problems. I’m transitioning into a new job and haven’t felt very motivated to excel at my current one for the final weeks, I’ve let fatigue get the better of me and my patience with the children , and my husband and I have settled for Netflix and dinner on the couch as quality time for now. I was feeling a bit ‘blah’ and not very driven to put in much of the effort. I wanted people to just leave me alone and go and hide in a corner until the storm blew over…. Until I attended a particularly bad Zumba class (I told ya, first world problems!).

In an attempt to pick myself up from this temporary slump, I booked a fun workout to get my ass kicked. I was excited until a very unimpressed instructor walked in and whispered to me “ugh I’m so hungover today, I can’t even“. Although I was flattered she felt she could open up to me (a random stranger), I can’t say it did much to pump me up though. During the lesson we moved around a bit, much like an uncomfortable uncle forced to dance the salsa at a wedding, up-beat songs were skipped because ‘she’d had enough of them‘ and the class finished 10 mins early. But rather than feeling frustrated about it and complaining to the manager, it woke me up again. I remembered that we can all have shit days (and we’re absolutely allowed to), but how we react to them can affect the world around us, and some things could inadvertently come and bite us in the ass again.

I realized I was acting like a grumpy, hungover Zumba teacher to everyone around me, so I needed to stop throwing myself a pitty party and start making the effort again.

I’m not encouraging anyone to suck it all up- it’s important to allow ourselves a bad day- but I thought to note down some of the reasons why we should still put in the effort (however big or small) for ourselves and those around us, even when we cant be bothered.

• Effort makes us take responsibility

As a professional educator/coach, I’m constantly encouraging people to develop themselves further and focus on how no results are achieved without putting in the necessary effort. I know they say “those who don’t do… teach..”, but I had to not take that too literally and put my money where my mouth is, if I wanted to keep my credibility. I need to take ownership of what I’m doing and understand that things will not change for the better, if I don’t put in the effort. Taking ownership of what is happening in our life, and focusing on the things we can and cannot change, assists us in identifying where our effort is needed the most.

• Comparing doesn’t encourage effort

There is always someone doing better and someone doing worse than you. always. Just because the colleague down the hall doesn’t go the extra mile, doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to slack off. Jealousy over someone’s success is a moot point because they probably got there through a lot of hard work. Use their success as motivation for you to strive further, rather than viewing it as a reason why you haven’t lived up to your potential. Make up your own mind about what effort you need to put in for your goals… your objectives. your effort.

• Effort teaches you to be practical

Understanding something in life focuses on the ‘why’ and ‘what’ of situations. Effort is needed, however, to achieve the ‘what’ and actually doing something about it. Not only do we get a certain sense of accomplishment after putting in the effort,  but it teaches us to develop the tools we need to continuous developing ourselves further. It’s like a drug… once you feel that high of achieving something through hard work, you want to do it again (except this drug doesn’t make your loose any teeth and doesn’t cost a cent).

• Effort can result in more effort

Just because we can’t be bothered, doesn’t always mean its because we are lazy. Sometimes we don’t feel the motivation because life is simply ‘too much’ at the time. We’re in a hole and find it hard to climb our way out …  It’s important to self-care and give yourself time to take a step back and refocus to find a way out of that hole…. all if which needs… ding ding ding… you guessed it…. effort. Sometimes we need to make the effort to ‘relax’ in order for us to recharge our batteries to find the effort to do more after.

• Effort requires a global mindset

Everything we do is effort (to some degree). The things in life worth doing take effort, and it’s that effort that leads to results in the end. Remove all effort and we do nothing (literally). So rather than seeing effort as a huge motivational tool that can only produce extraordinary results, view effort as something we do on a daily basis and something that doesn’t always require an intense build-up.  Waking up in the morning takes effort (more for some than others), getting dressed and going to work is the same. Basic tasks like eating, walking and sleeping all take effort. Seeing it as a constant and something we can develop further, makes a sometimes uphill battle seem less daunting. Without effort, life can get pretty dull.

So however small it may be, when you’re having a bad day, don’t stop making the effort.

 

 

 

Book Review: “Arise and Shine” by Frank C. Saliki

Before I dive into my first book review post, let me tell you about the book’s author, Frank Saliki.

When this little blogger (yours truly) decided to start making work of publishing her first book, she was a little lost on where to even begin. Whilst seeking out peers and other published authors, Frank and I stumbled upon each other in a writer’s group online. He happily took me under his wing and shared some of his publishing experiences with me, without even a second thought. He liked what I had to say about my project, and rather than viewing me as a potential competition in the same niche, he gave me real hands-on advice that started my journey to publishing the Tough Cookie Philosophy.

I immediately felt a sense of trust (which is not something easily encountered these days) but I wanted to make sure he didn’t just talk the talk, but also walked the walk….

I bought his book “Arise and Shine” and set out to explore a bit more about this helpful, yet totally random guy, I had just encountered.

“Arise and Shine” is Frank’s own story chronicling his journey from a failing High School Student to a successful University Graduate. Rather than victimizing himself when writing about his struggles at school, his story focuses on how some of these low points were the drivers that got him motivated to start turning his life around. Frank doesn’t come up with any magical solutions or vague advice on how he grabbed life by the horns, but rather, he describes the process he went through in turning negatives into positives; every day at a time.

Along with some well known quotes (because who doesn’t love a good quote to get us motivated) and original examples through storytelling and experiences, Frank explains to his readers how he himself applied these to his own life, and shows us how we could do the same ; but in our own meaning.

When reading the book, at no time whatsoever, did I feel Frank was trying to sell me an idea or be condescending in his lead-up to success as a radio host and public speaker. I read his stories like I was there, and this guy was genuine, passionate about self-improvement and loved looking deeper into life. Essentially, he’s the real deal when it comes to wanting to help people develop themselves further, and his manner and way of writing allows us to do that in our own manner – no pressure, just passion and support.

Frank’s terminology like  ‘victor of circumstance’ (instead of victim) are only a few examples of how he’s built up his resilience throughout the years and continues to share and encourage that resilience in others.

Tough times don’t last, but tough cookies do…. and Frank himself (and his book) sure are a great example of that !

 

More info on the author:  http://www.franksaliki.com

Check out the book for yourself  HERE

 

To the Point Conflict Resolution

With our everyday social interactions and relationship building, comes conflict, there’s no way around it. But that doesn’t always mean it’s a bad thing. Conflict can make us step outside our own comfort zones, it encourages us to grow and develop further and sometimes it can even help us in setting healthy boundaries.

With that in mind, conflict can be handled poorly or conflict can be handled proactively. I often strive for the latter as the whole purpose of conflict is to find a way to make things better and come out of the other side.

Below are a number of dot points that essentially summarise conflict resolution in a nutshell. No words wasted, just the things you need to read. No dogma, take from it what you feel is useful, and make it your own.

Harsh truths to note first

• To get a result in life, you need to put in the effort
• Life has no place for pettiness. Learn how to communicate and aim to resolve problems, not create more
• Don’t give people so much power over you that their silent treatment leaves you questioning your worth
• Don’t want to be a doormat. Stop playing the victim and do something about it
• People who repeatedly use silence to control, punish, test boundaries, avoid accountability or even discussing unpleasant issues are who block conflict resolution. Whatever their methods, it’s far less effective than open, healthy communication.
• When two parties play the silent treatment, the winner is often the ones who cares to least. Don’t strive to be the winner…

How to Self-care when managing conflict

1. Manage your stress levels effectively to stay alert and calm.

Go play a sport, read a book, go for a walk, do something for you that calms you down.

2. Manage your emotions.

There is nothing wrong with feeling your emotions but make sure they don’t drown you. To stay logical and as focused as possible, we need to ensure our emotions don’t take us down an irrational path that will only create more stress and dig in deeper

3. Take a step back to keep perspective

This does not translate into the silent treatment (that, in my eyes, is pure manipulation). Just taking a short time-out to process, catch a breath, and come back calm and proactive; can prevent a sensitive situation from escalating.

4. Know your boundaries

You might not know what you want from a given situation, but more often than not, we know what we don’t want out of something or someone. Be clear on what your boundaries are, if it’s not out loud, at least for yourself.

 

Useful Techniques to manage conflict

1. Respect

No matter how angry you can get or how unreasonable you feel someone might be… respect is key. You can demonstrate anger and frustration and still remain respectful to one another.

2. Throw pettiness out the door

This goes hand in hand with respect. A conflict will not be resolved through insults or the silent treatment. Avoiding a conflict will most certainly not resolve it. Is it about winning or is it about finding a solution together?

3. Be clear and precise

It’s been my experience that 70% of conflicts (yes I just made that statistic up) results from a simple misunderstanding or bad communication. Being clear and to the point of what the actual issue and desired outcome is (without diverting onto other topics) often clears up a path much faster than going around in circles. It can be difficult to remain clear and keep perspective when your words are misquoted, exaggerated or emotional manipulation is being used. Just remember that you have the right to your opinion and to express it, just like you should allow others to express theirs.

4. Walk a mile in their shoes

It’s important to take on board everyone’s opinion and not just your own. If the person you have a conflict with feels a certain way, even if you feel it’s greatly exaggerated, acknowledge that you would feel the same way as they do now, if the situation as they see it was indeed true… because for them, at the moment… it is. This allows you to respect what they’re feeling and at the same time give clarity of what you feel the misunderstanding is about. Two truths are happening in a conflict, so find the common ground.

5. Don’t attack (even with words), take a non- violent approach

When you take on the approach that you’re not there to accuse, attack or insult; but rather to resolve, you’ll also show that you will not respond nor fight back when you yourself are attacked. This works well with people who try to manipulate or aggravate the situation. If you don’t feed the angry wolf, the peaceful one will eventually win.

6. Find a common goal and compromise

We can’t always get our way nor should we let people walk all over us either. Finding a middle ground for all parties involved is often the best solution (if this is an option of course). Clearly stating what the common goal would be and which boundaries each party would like respected is a targeted way to avoid the issue from coming up again.

Just Remember …

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional”

                                                                                                                                  – Max Lucado

Diving back into a career after taking a Break

8 years… that’s how long ago I decided to shelf my career to follow the man of my dreams. I still worked during those eight years, popped out two lovely daughters in the meantime, but 8 years ago was the last time I really considered myself a ‘career woman’… until recently.

I used to work 60+ hr weeks as a psychologist, worked in a joined private practice and delivered a number of training workshops to other professionals. I didn’t have children, my husband (then boyfriend) was working overseas and I had only myself and the dog to look out for. Shelving that career, to leave Australia and follow my partner’s, has never been a ‘sacrifice’ to me – far from it! But I won’t say it didn’t come with some major adjustments. After leaving Down Under, I took to more flexible and less demanding jobs. It worked perfectly moving around the globe, and when we started our little family, it was the ideal setting to balance work and family… and it has been for the last 8 years.  All that changed, a month ago, after being offered a great opportunity back in my professional field, here in France.

The excitement of jumping back into a career (one I had secretly been missing for some time) propelled me through the first few weeks. I started researching additional childcare, looked at ways to expand my professional network and got up to speed with current research and trends. The hype was real and I was ready to dive in, fully clothed, without ever looking back.

But, then came the gut… a little knot that reminded me this was going to be a major change in our family dynamic and affect my time with the children and my partner. The occasional Wednesday afternoon of secretly wishing I was at work instead of arts n’ crafting paper plates, evenings where I felt slightly resentful that I was always the one home for bath and dinner time; were now going to be things of the past. The reality of spending less time with my girls hit me, and rose-coloured glasses made me forget all the tantrums, spilled food and rainy indoor days. Suddenly, I viewed my children as flawless angels I was leaving behind with an after-school nanny, and I was hit right in the face with a nice, big, juicy guilt trip. On top of that, for the last 4 years in France I had been predominantly speaking in English at work, which was now turning into working fully bilingual.

I’m most definitely not the first, or the last, woman to have taken a career break post-kids; nor I am the only person in France who’s diving back into their careers in a new country. There are so many of us who have gone through the emotional rollercoaster of taking up their careers again in an entirely new setting, which has made things easier knowing this.

Below are a few of the challenges this little writer is currently dealing with in trying to find the best possible work/life balance, re-defining her ‘professional self’ and setting up a new network in a country that is not her own.

1. Admitting the need for extra help

I’ve come to realise that it would be nearly impossible to commit to a full-time career, settle into a new work environment, and be home for all the little things with the children. Many of us who followed our partners here, don’t always have the same support network like we would back home. Our families don’t necessarily live nearby and not everything can fall on the shoulders of the in-laws.   Some sacrifices (from both ends) will need to be made and one of them is hiring the extra help to do so. Here in France there are a number of ways to go about that including: expat Facebook Groups, Nanny agencies, babysitter applications, and local ads. There are enough people hiring help for us to get good references and not be forced to choose some random person off the street. Honestly, at this very moment, I’m kind of looking forward to not having to deal with the dinner/bath time routines anymore; but I know the second it all sets in, I’ll miss it like crazy. (I’ll need to remind myself I said that, as I chase my naked 2-year-old around the house tonight, trying to get her cheeky butt into the tub).

2. Learning to let go a little

Getting extra help comes hand-in-hand with letting go of some of the control. In our household my husband and I work well together as a team, but I’m no stranger to being a bit of a control freak (I’m even kind of proud of being one). With a husband who often travels for work, a full-time job and two young children; I’m my own worst critic in trying to have everything in order. My goal to ‘have it all’ has sometimes lead to a very full bucket (figuratively speaking, my real bucket is dried off, clean, and stowed away in the garage ;p) and I’ve had to learn to let go of a few things for the greater good. The idea of what ‘having it all’ means, seems to have a very individual response for everyone and changes for me on a daily basis. Some days ‘having it all’ for me means my family still had a healthy home-cooked meal after I spent the day at the office and I’m on top of the laundry. Other days ‘having it all’ means I managed to take a shower and go to the toilet on my own…you know … it changes with the tides.

3. Dealing with the Guilt Trip

Moms have guilt trips about pretty much everything… yes…e.vry.thing. We’re mom-shamed whether we breastfeed or formula feed, sleep train or co sleep, use a dummy or thumbs, work or stay at home – you name it. We can never win and being subjected to the occasional guilt trip is simply part of the game. Of course, how we respond to said guilt trip, and how we let it influence our lives, is what matters most. As a working mom, I’ve seen enough judgmental glares at the school as I drop my daughter off in a rush to catch the train and condescending comments like “oh so you can’t come to the 11 am parent breakfast …on a Tuesday?” are now met with a blank stare. What keeps me going more than anything is my daughters seeing their mom kicking butt at work and being home for them after for some quality time together. I want to role model strength, confidence and independence to them; which I believe can be done by both working or stay-at-home moms alike. So the guilt trip (although still deeply felt) will not influence the choices I make for myself and for my family.

4. Re-defining your Professional Self in a new place

It takes time to build yourself up professionally. Many of us may have left behind a very strong professional network, where we made a name for ourselves, and past achievements might not always be recognised the same way in a new country. For me, re-defining my professional identity has been about regaining confidence after a career break, brushing up on new skills and identifying boundaries that have changes dramatically since the last time I was in my field. Skills acquired during a career break are still valuable competencies, that can be transferred into the workforce, and we should be confident using them. Moving countries, adapting to new cultures, learning a new language, and raising children so they don’t end up a crime lord or high end stripper (no judgement, just not my cup of tea); are already great skills that not every John or Jane Doe can master.

5. Connecting with the local professional network

One thing I have found very useful in diving back into my career in a new country, has been connecting with other like-minded individuals. There is an abundance of Facebook groups that include Expats in your area, expat parents, expat working mothers, career-seeking expats and what not. Professional clubs, seminars, conferences, and events link people from all over the globe and are a great way to get back into your career and make some valuable connections. Like I said earlier; I’m not the first, nor the last, to do this, and why not access a community of people who’ve been there for advice or support?

The Psychology of Being Bitchy: Why are women meaner to each other than men and 5 Things we can do about it

Comedian Chris Rock once said “if women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other”.  And after having a giggle at the obvious joke, I realised it really wasn’t that far from the truth. I’m not saying that all women are mean to each other, or that all women hate other women and put each other down … but … (you see, there’s aaalways a but). Let me ask you a question: Have you ever had someone say something mean about you or put you down behind your back? – Yes? Lots of the times? – OK. Now let me ask you this: Have you ever said anything mean about a friend or put her down behind her back? – Exactly. How much of women’s underlying ‘bitchy-ness’ is a stereotype and how much of it rings kind of true?

We’ve all been on the receiving end of a mean girl and whether we’ve intended it to or not, we’ve all been ‘mean’ ourselves at some stage in our life. So if we know that generally women can be meaner to each other than men, and we know what it’s like to be put down by one of our own; then why on earth do we continue to act like this? If we know better, why aren’t we doing better?

As a psychologist, and a woman, the concept of ‘the girl code’, ‘mean girls’ and an obvious ‘relational aggression’ towards other women remains an interesting topic as we see it move well beyond the realms of high school into the workplace and adult relationships. As adolescents, the opinion of our peers starts to become very important and most of us would have been caught up, at least once, in a situation where we acted ‘mean’ towards another girl in order to feel accepted by others. Our reasoning could have varied from fear of not fitting in, not knowing any better or not knowing how to express our frustration with someone, and then again some of us were just plain bitchy in high school. That’s ok! As a teenager we have the right to be idiots where we hopefully don’t do too much damage and learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, some mean girls don’t always grow out of it though and continue similar behaviours as adults. The psychological warfare that’s called women-on-woman bullying is an art form in itself. It can be subtle, sneaky and passive, but oh so effective. The “bitchy-ness” can be used to dominate and control subordinates or colleagues in the workplace, and in a social context terms like “frenemies” are now thrown around loosely when talking about everyday female friendships. This feeling of being subconsciously ‘on guard’ around other women is normal for a lot of us, and it’s exhausting. When speaking with some of my fellow ladies (in order to get more information for this blog post) the story of a once close girlfriend now turned foe was a common theme, so I know I’m not alone here.

Why do we show relational aggression towards each other?

Relational aggression is a type of aggression that focuses on damaging someone’s relationship or social status. Some argue that the innate need to compete with each other falls back on evolution This theory suggests that women needed to protect their fertility from physical harm (aka keep a clean cave and have babies with the big, strong, caveman), so relational aggression ensured they lowered the supply of other women (aka the competition).  A second theory by feminist N. Shpancer indicated that women came to consider being prized by men as their ultimate source of strength and worth (aka keep a clean 2- bedroom and make babies with the big, smart, successful stockbroker) which compelled them to battle and belittle other women (aka the competition).

All the previous research seems to tell us that we were initially required to battle each other to ensure we had the best access to procreate, but of course these are no longer real concerns in modern day society. That’s where another theory by Emily v Gordon (author of “Super You”) comes to play. She proposes that “we are no longer competing with other women, but ultimately, with ourselves – with how we think and feel about ourselves”. She argues, “for many of us, we look at other women and see, instead, a version of ourselves that is better, prettier, smarter or something more. We don’t see the other woman at all.”

So again, I ask the question: If we know we do this (and we all do this to some extent- it’s in our genes, ya might say), and we know we no longer need to eliminate the competition for our own survival or the survival of the species, what can we do to lift each other up rather than turn on each other?

How can we manage and minimize the bitchy-ness?

1. Don’t let jealousy rule your behaviour

Despite our best efforts, the focus on our looks and body image is still regularly associated with our success as women. It has been there for a long time and I don’t think it will go away soon. Most women don’t necessarily invite this kind of attention voluntarily and often consciously try to avoid being influenced by it. Some even take it a step further and go out of their way to not let body image define their self-worth and success and challenge the standard idea of “beauty” all together. However, other people around us can make ‘looks’ a priority and often we correspondingly internalise it by default… it’s a knee jerk reaction. This is not to say that women can’t or shouldn’t take care of themselves or enjoy fashion… these things are still fun and playful (something this little tomboy has learnt to appreciate living in Paris) and these should be enjoyed by both women and men (and if you know Parisian men, you’ll agree that most of them take better care of their looks than some of their female counterparts 😉 But when the idea of ‘looks’ negatively impacts someone’s ability to get a job or to be taken seriously, we have a problem.

2. Change your Response

We can’t always control what people think of us, but what we can control is how we respond. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. How significant is this person in the context of your whole life? Can you change your response by simply not interacting with them when they display aggressive behaviour?  What boundaries can you implement to minimise your exposure to their negativity?

3. Be a Good Listener and show Empathy

Aside from the looks issue, miscommunication is often the second biggest reason why some women clash with others. Showing your willingness to listen, without interruption or criticism, could help process the situation and any possible underlying issues. Sometimes, when we feel overwhelmed, some of us resort to being a bit catty- so it could all well be smoothed over by offering a listening ear. If one of our own is indeed is just having a bad day, validating those emotions and demonstrating that you understand how they’re feeling could help defuse the situation.

4. Build up your Self-Esteem

We often externalise what we’re feeling on the inside and many ‘bitchy’ women merely act that way as a defence mechanism to their own low self-esteem or anxiety. It’s no excuse to be mean to others, but it does help to better understand where someone’s ‘bad behaviour’ might come from. We might not lash out at someone when we’re feeling insecure, but be honest, we’ve often pre-judged a better looking or smarter woman before getting to know her better. By building up our own self-esteem we can battle those snarky, inner demons that gossip and judge and we can focus on appreciating someone’s success and beauty individually and maybe even learn a thing or two.

5. Stand Up for Yourself

Practice being assertive and self-confident (if needed, fake it till you make it). You can defend yourself without having to resort to aggression. If you are in the workplace, calmly explain that you won’t tolerate this underlying form of bullying as it’s unprofessional and won’t lead to anything positive. In a social setting, this can prove to be more difficult, but again; show them your cards and what you will and will not tolerate. If the rebuttal is “relax, it was just a joke, you need to loosen up a little”, continue to stand your ground. You don’t need to dive into an hour long lecture, but now you’ve made your position clear… and joke or not… they know where you stand on the issue. Remember, ‘mean’ women count on you being passive about their behaviour and don’t expect you to stand up to it. It might take some time, depending on their determination, but if you show them that you won’t be an easy target, they will often back down and leave you alone.

Gossiping, name calling, excluding and belittling each other are only a few things that we should start eliminating; so that one day, we can indeed, run the world!

The “Tough Cookie Philosophy”: 10 Steps to proactively and positively tackling Life’s Hardships

I’m a big fan of the “Tough Cookie Philosophy”. Not only because I like cookies, but because it teaches us to tackle life’s hardships proactively. I’m also a firm believer that everyone has a certain level of “tough cookie-ness” in them already. It’s just a matter of unlocking our potential and enhancing what we’ve already got, not what we think is lacking…

A common way to describe someone as a tough cookie is to see them as unemotional and not easily hurt by what people say or do, however, I tend to disagree with such a definition. A tough cookie is very well aware of their emotions (something I’ll elaborate on later) and everyone gets hurt or impacted by others at some point … e-very-one. That’s what makes us human and it’s a strength, not a weakness, trust me!

My book on the Tough Cookie Philosophy © includes more self-evaluation, in-depth exercises, and examples.

Available on Amazon / Smashwords

So buckle up, you tough cookie, and go for the ride – you got this!

Putting your New Goals on Paper : A Self-Evaluation Activity

With the Holiday season approaching, it only seemed fitting to pair it with the theme of new goals, new limits and healthy dose of self-evaluation. Often we see the New Year as the perfect party to sign off on the past and start a clean slate where we launch our new and better selves… but why wait until January 1^st? What’s stopping you from grabbing pen and paper (that’s right people, we’re going old-school) and sitting down for some serious self-analysis?

Self-evaluation is important because it’s a living, breathing thing subject to change just as much as the world around us. Our goals and the things that are important to us change with time and experience and it’s important to note these down once in a while and perhaps liberate ourselves from goals/limitations that are no longer relevant today.

The questions below will help you in developing your ‘clean slate’ list by reflecting on your past/current priorities and goals. This will consequently help you map out the first steps to take towards reaching your new goals, well before the New Year has even begun. So switch off that phone, give yourself at least half hour to carefully consider your

answers and don’t be afraid to review the list on a regular basis or just to engage in general introspection (self-reflection) to get more out of the upcoming year and beyond…

MY GET STARTED NOTES

post picture: Pexels.com

 

10 Things that can sometimes hinder an Anglophone’s complete integration into the French Culture

(picture: publix.com)

Being born and raised in Belgium, this Australian in Paris didn’t think she would experience much of a culture shock when returning back to the ‘old continent’… I mean, Europe is still Europe, right? I’d say I was either a lot more integrated into the Australian culture than what I initially thought, or France does have some unique traits that sometimes seem to clash somewhat more with ‘les Anglo Saxons’ compared to other countries.

Every-day things like insisting on greeting complete strangers in the elevator, yet totally avoiding a friendly banter afterwards; have left me scratching my head at times. Below I’ve compiled some examples on how these subtleties (that I never noticed before moving here) have sometimes impacted my full integration into the French culture.

1. “Les Anglo-Saxons”

The French seem to refer to all English-speakers as ‘les Anglo Saxons’ (even though they were a Germanic people who inhabited Great Britain back in the 5^th century). Any English speaker (as well as English speaker’s habits and behaviours that don’t appear to align with the French way of thinking) are catalogued and filed away under ‘Anglo Saxon’. Regardless if you’re from the UK, the US, Australia, Canada, … the term seems to have stuck around. The word in itself has never been an issue for me (being seen as part of a Medieval-sounding group is kind of cool actually), but the occasional assumptions that we’re all the same have bothered me just a little in the past. My love for Halloween has been referred to as “too American’ (it’s Irish btw and who doesn’t like a good dress up) and my children’s early bedtimes are often seen as “very Australian” even though plenty of countries do just that. These are just a few examples of blanket statements. On that same note, the below points include examples in where I totally generalise the French as well, so you know… pot calling the kettle black and all…

2. Are we just too friendly?

English-speakers, in general, can strike up a conversation with pretty much anyone. With this, however, also comes our tendency to overshare and ask personal questions rather quickly. This doesn’t mean all of us are going around making our French company feel uncomfortable. But in a wrong setting it could be perceived as somewhat rude by crossing boundaries too soon. The French culture is what they call a ‘coconut’ culture. These are known for having a harder exterior and won’t easily engage in conversation. But as soon you as you break through the ‘outer shell’ they can make extremely loyal and close friends. “Un Anglo-Saxon”, on the other hand, belongs to a ‘peach’ culture where they are often friendly to people they first meet, share information and are generally helpful. But once you get past the initial friendliness, you’ll find that their inner selves are often protected by a tough pit. Some might view peaches as ‘fake’ and ‘not genuine’, whereas others view coconuts as ‘cold’ and ‘standoffish’. Whatever your preference, this difference in social interactions has led some of us to bump heads when meeting each other. After living in France for a while, I’ve started to refer to myself as belonging to an ‘avocado’ culture. Still the protected pit inside, but with a slightly softer outer shell perhaps (or maybe it’s because I think of myself as ‘healthy fat’?)

3. Swearing

If there’s one thing both our cultures love to do, it’s swearing! But where the French publicly tend to limit themselves to the daily use of “m*rde”, “p*tain” and the occasional “je m’en fiche”; Anglophones have created a natural place for profanity in the English vocabulary and tend to be a bit more colourful when expressing frustration, excitement, and moreover humor. Although some expressions can be stronger than others, the majority of the time, our swearing isn’t always linked to aggression and might not carry the same weight as proper swearing in French would. We do know how to read a room, and are not likely to drop the ‘f-bomb’ in an executive meeting; but don’t be shocked to hear us cry out a solid ‘son of b*tch’ when we stub our toe on the end table.

4. Sense of Humour

Paired with our love of swearing comes our willingness to use humour almost anywhere. Often, Anglophones have no problem calling out an uncomfortable or awkward situation; rather than sweeping it under the rug. On many occasions I’ve actually said out loud ‘well this was awkward’ followed by a giggle and then moved on with the conversation. Whether it was the first time I accidentally sleep-farted in the living room while taking a nap (much to the amusement of my brother-in-law) or when I clumsily met a friend’s new love interest and had nothing to say.  It’s not meant to be harsh, but rather a way to defuse any tension and uneasiness instead of ignoring it completely. Although the French do have a beautiful dry and sarcastic sense of humor, which I love, I haven’t seen them use it as a shield for uncomfortable situations just yet.

5. French can ‘dish it out’, but don’t always like to ‘take it’

Referring back to the French sense of humor… their wit and sarcasm go perfect with making fun of pretty much anyone including themselves. However, I noticed, when the tables are turned; that they haven’t always been good sports when someone else has had a go at them (all in the name of good fun and humor ofcourse). This doesn’t mean they don’t know how to take a joke, but you’ll often find a slight hint of defensiveness when the quip is aimed at them.

6. The difference between being ‘laid back’ and ‘late’

I don’t know how it is for all the Northern hemisphere Anglophones here, but us Aussies are notorious for being laid back. Problems are often met with a comforting pat on the back and a ‘no worries, she’ll be right, mate”(maaajor generalisation there, sorry). But people shouldn’t confuse our laid back-ness by being lazy or slow. Although the Australian life style does move at a calmer pace (you’d move slower too with that heat!), we do remain on point and professional when push comes to shove. For example, the French are known for their tardiness which might not get the same reaction as it would Down Under. Arriving late to a meeting or dinner isn’t frowned upon and is often even anticipated. For us, however, it is not always well received, and being late can be viewed as taking someone else’s time for granted.

7. A stickler for the rules

Although the French make more laws than some Anglo countries, the split seems to emerge in the observance and enforcement of said laws. Some of the things that get me riled up the majority of the time are dog poop and traffic. For a country where getting your driver’s license is an almost impossible feat, they are surprisingly bad drivers (at least in Paris). People change lanes without indicating, text behind the wheel and don’t even get me started on parking wherever you want (including blocking an entire lane while you duck into the shops).  Anglophones view laws as being enforced to protect, whereas many French view them as restrictive and suffocating their right to be disobedient.

8. Complaining

I’m sorry, but I don’t buy it that the French are the only people who are known for complaining. Every country I have ever lived in, people have complained insistently, no matter where they are from. Sure, the French might be better at actually following through with their complaints and go on strike, but I think the ‘complaining’ aspect is something we share (we just tend to complain more about each other that’s all ;).

9. Self-promotion could be seen as arrogant

I know right, arrogant, the irony … but saying things like ‘don’t worry, I’m a very good driver’ is not something you’d necessarily hear a Frenchman say unless they were a bit full of themselves. I didn’t know this until it was pointed out to me that patting yourself on the back might translate wrong at times, and you may come off as a bit of a pompous ass. I don’t know how true this statement is, as the debate is still up on that one, but I’m a big fan of positive psychology; so if you have something good to say about yourself well you just go on right ahead and say it. Add some flair to it too (*whips hair back*).

10. Pardon my French

The French’s love for their language is something I do admire and the concept that they don’t speak any English is absolute bullocks if you ask me. With that, however, comes the occasional situation where they will answer you in English upon hearing any accent. Although I am certain this comes from nothing but a good place in order to help us communicate better, it can sometimes hinder us from fully integrating as we try to practice our French. I haven’t had this happen too often, but it’s something that has come up more than once when speaking to other expats about their experiences, so worth the small mention.

It’s important to take it all with a grain of salt though. I wouldn’t say these differences are totally unfounded; however, I see little point in letting irritation get the better of us and letting it skew our view on this country we now call home. I mean, a dynamic mixing pot of cultural habits is the whole “charm” about Paris isn’t it …

 

5 Way to Beat the upcoming ‘Winter Blues’

(picture: Cottage Life)

Living in one of the most beautiful cities in the world has its many perks. A wealth of galleries, museums, delicious food, beautiful walks and a melodic language under no matter what context. Seriously, have you ever been yelled at by someone in French? It’s simply poetic.

But all pros have their cons and one of the lesser points of Paris these days is the ‘rentrée effect’ where people have come back from their holidays, said goodbye to summer and are now waiting for winter (even though we’ve only just hit autumn). The response is quite amazing where, in just a short few weeks, I’ve seen commuters turn from lovable Hobbits into grumpy, old Orcs. Walk around Paris when the sun’s out and people are generally smiling, enjoying a terrace and you might even get a genuine ‘excuse me’ as someone brushes past you in the metro. Yes, that’s right, the stereotype of the grumpy, arrogant Parisian is only applicable in winter in my opinion. The rest of the year they’re just arrogant 😉 I joke, I joke, “On taquine que ceux que l’on aime”. (we tease the ones we love).

Every year I try to nip those winter blues in the bud and not follow suit in the march of the grumps, however this year has proven to be more challenging as I caught myself hunched over in the metro muttering nonsense and sighing loudly like everyone else. Mais, c’est pas possible! What’s happening?

I’m going to pull the Psychology card here and say it’s a form of ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’. SAD (I know) is a specifier with a ‘seasonal pattern’ for repeated, depressive episodes that occur at a specific time of the year and fully remits otherwise. In other words, people who usually have normal mental health throughout most of the year exhibit depressive symptoms at roughly the same time each year, most commonly in winter. This does not mean that every grumpy person out there in the cold is suffering from a diagnosed major mood disorder. This condition is a spectrum and there are a lot more people who have a lighter version of this disorder, called the ‘winter blues’. These individuals suffer from many of the same symptoms but they do not have clinical depression. It effects about one in three people where we feel generally unmotivated and flat during the cold and dark winter months.

There are of course ways to fight off these blues on our own and below I’ve compiled a few for those who might need it a bit more this year.

1. Recognise symptoms and your place on the spectrum  

First, it is important to establish if you’re just experiencing the ‘winter blues’ or suffering from full blown Seasonal Affective Disorder. Common signs of winter blues include: change in appetite or weight, trouble sleeping, feeling drained, and feeling generally anxious or down.

It is normal to have days where we don’t feel one hundred percent, but when the days appear to drag on for longer and you find it harder and harder to motivate yourself to do things you usually enjoy, it could be beneficial to see a doctor. This is especially important if your sleeping patterns have changed, you’re managing with alcohol or drugs and you’ve experienced thoughts of suicide. When the symptoms block you from living your normal life, it’s always worth seeing someone about it.

2. Self-care 

No matter what time of the year, self-care and wellness, should always be a priority.  Eating healthy and staying active boosts our mood and gives us more energy to focus on everyday stressors. This doesn’t mean we need to go and give up on our beloved winter raclette or fondue parties… just… you know, all good things come in moderation. Omega-3 fatty foods have also been praised for their health benefits, even in improving our mood (foods include salmon; flax seeds and walnuts). Walking 35 minutes a day has proven to help alleviate symptoms of mild to moderate depression. Taking a step back and allowing ourselves to delight in small pleasures can do wonders as well! So book that massage, have a cup of tea, go watch a movie, see some friends for a laugh or simply give yourself a break here and there to help you beat those dreadful winter blues.

3. Head outside for sunlight and fresh air

Go outdoors in natural daylight as much as possible, especially at midday and on brighter days. Sure, not the most motivating thing to do especially when you’re nice and toasty inside. But take that shower, brush your teeth and head outside even if it’s only to run a small errand, you’ll feel better for it. Inside your home, choose pale colours that reflect light from outside, trim back tree branches, open your curtains and sit near windows whenever you can. When your body is craving more daylight, 30 minutes a day of this can be almost as effective as antidepressants.

4. Keep Warm 

Being cold may make you feel more depressed so making sure you stay warm can help beat the winter blues. You can do so with hot drinks and hot food. Wear warm clothes and most importantly keep your feet warm. A great way to drag out those multi-coloured, winter toe-socks from your drawer – when else can you pull these off really! Keep your home between 18-21C (or 64-70F for my American friends). Having your home too hot is not a solution either so avoid the sauna jungle and just aim for nice and toasty.

5. A ‘coziness’ mindset 

Stop saying you hate winter (even if you do). Continually thinking about how much you dread winter only feeds the winter blues beast and makes it more likely you’ll feel sad as the season progresses. Our Norwegian neighbours have it figured out with a concept they call ‘koselig’ which is a state of being warm, kind and cozy. It defines something/someone/an ambiance that makes you feel a sense of warmth very deep inside in a way that all things should be: simple and comforting (definition by a froginthefjord.com).  So how can we make our lives more ‘koselig’? Turn off all main lights and use soft yellow lighting preferably emanating from a lamp. Light some candles (extra points for scented ones) or light a fire. As most of us in Paris might not have an actual fireplace, Netflix and Youtube have great 6-hour long videos of open fires… and it does the trick! Turn off the busy TV programs and put on some pleasant music, invite friends over for a nice dinner or a fun games night. Implement whatever you define as cozy, to change your mindset on winter.

I hope some of these will help you tackle the cold season ahead. Let us know in the comment which other tips have helped you beat the winter blues…

11 Random Rules to a Happier Life

I like to collect little snippets of good advice over the years and store them away for a rainy day. Be it something I once read somewhere, an actual quote or a nice little life lesson I got to learn myself… I thought I’d share with you my top ten for the moment and pay it forward.

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1. Do more things that make you forget to check your  mobile phone

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2. Stay away from negative people, they have a problems for every solution

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3. Be a “what’s the problem so we can fix it” kind of person. Sulking doesn’t solve problems. Grow up and learn how to communicate

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4. Appreciate every day things. Your life is not drinking cocktails on the beach. Those things happen once in a while. Those are exceptions. Your life is how you greet each other at the door when you come home every day, because that is 10 minutes a day. Your life is how you treat each other at the dinner table, because that is an hour every single day. You get those mundane and ‘boring’ things right, those things you do every day. If you concentrate on them and make them pristine, it’s like you have 80% of your life put together. These little things that are right in front of of us, they’re not little….. (inspired by a quote from Dr Jordan Peterson).

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5. People having a uniformed opinion about something they don’t understand and proclaiming their opinion as being equally valid as facts is what is wrong with the world today. No one wants to do any research, they just want to be right.  Educate yourself, make up your own mind, and respect those who don’t agree with you, even if you don’t always understand them.

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6. The first thing you should know about me is that I am not you. A lot more will make sense after that

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7.  Happiness is a choice not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you but from you. A lot easier said than done, sure. This doesn’t mean we’re never allowed to be unhappy… of course we are… swim it in and experience it, just make sure you don’t drown in it.

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8. Strength is forgiving someone who wasn’t sorry and accepting an apology you never received

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9. There is a difference between letting kids be kids, and letting kids be assholes.

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10. It’s okay to not have the same amount of time for friends as you did before. Adult friendships now are a cluster of cancelled plans and missed phone dates, followed by a really intense catch up with life changing events that you all get excited about and texting ‘I love you’ straight afterwards. Rinse and Repeat

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11. It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice