To the Point Conflict Resolution

With our everyday social interactions and relationship building, comes conflict, there’s no way around it. But that doesn’t always mean it’s a bad thing. Conflict can make us step outside our own comfort zones, it encourages us to grow and develop further and sometimes it can even help us in setting healthy boundaries.

With that in mind, conflict can be handled poorly or conflict can be handled proactively. I often strive for the latter as the whole purpose of conflict is to find a way to make things better and come out of the other side.

Below are a number of dot points that essentially summarise conflict resolution in a nutshell. No words wasted, just the things you need to read. No dogma, take from it what you feel is useful, and make it your own.

Harsh truths to note first

• To get a result in life, you need to put in the effort
• Life has no place for pettiness. Learn how to communicate and aim to resolve problems, not create more
• Don’t give people so much power over you that their silent treatment leaves you questioning your worth
• Don’t want to be a doormat. Stop playing the victim and do something about it
• People who repeatedly use silence to control, punish, test boundaries, avoid accountability or even discussing unpleasant issues are who block conflict resolution. Whatever their methods, it’s far less effective than open, healthy communication.
• When two parties play the silent treatment, the winner is often the ones who cares to least. Don’t strive to be the winner…

How to Self-care when managing conflict

1. Manage your stress levels effectively to stay alert and calm.

Go play a sport, read a book, go for a walk, do something for you that calms you down.

2. Manage your emotions.

There is nothing wrong with feeling your emotions but make sure they don’t drown you. To stay logical and as focused as possible, we need to ensure our emotions don’t take us down an irrational path that will only create more stress and dig in deeper

3. Take a step back to keep perspective

This does not translate into the silent treatment (that, in my eyes, is pure manipulation). Just taking a short time-out to process, catch a breath, and come back calm and proactive; can prevent a sensitive situation from escalating.

4. Know your boundaries

You might not know what you want from a given situation, but more often than not, we know what we don’t want out of something or someone. Be clear on what your boundaries are, if it’s not out loud, at least for yourself.

 

Useful Techniques to manage conflict

1. Respect

No matter how angry you can get or how unreasonable you feel someone might be… respect is key. You can demonstrate anger and frustration and still remain respectful to one another.

2. Throw pettiness out the door

This goes hand in hand with respect. A conflict will not be resolved through insults or the silent treatment. Avoiding a conflict will most certainly not resolve it. Is it about winning or is it about finding a solution together?

3. Be clear and precise

It’s been my experience that 70% of conflicts (yes I just made that statistic up) results from a simple misunderstanding or bad communication. Being clear and to the point of what the actual issue and desired outcome is (without diverting onto other topics) often clears up a path much faster than going around in circles. It can be difficult to remain clear and keep perspective when your words are misquoted, exaggerated or emotional manipulation is being used. Just remember that you have the right to your opinion and to express it, just like you should allow others to express theirs.

4. Walk a mile in their shoes

It’s important to take on board everyone’s opinion and not just your own. If the person you have a conflict with feels a certain way, even if you feel it’s greatly exaggerated, acknowledge that you would feel the same way as they do now, if the situation as they see it was indeed true… because for them, at the moment… it is. This allows you to respect what they’re feeling and at the same time give clarity of what you feel the misunderstanding is about. Two truths are happening in a conflict, so find the common ground.

5. Don’t attack (even with words), take a non- violent approach

When you take on the approach that you’re not there to accuse, attack or insult; but rather to resolve, you’ll also show that you will not respond nor fight back when you yourself are attacked. This works well with people who try to manipulate or aggravate the situation. If you don’t feed the angry wolf, the peaceful one will eventually win.

6. Find a common goal and compromise

We can’t always get our way nor should we let people walk all over us either. Finding a middle ground for all parties involved is often the best solution (if this is an option of course). Clearly stating what the common goal would be and which boundaries each party would like respected is a targeted way to avoid the issue from coming up again.

Just Remember …

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional”

                                                                                                                                  – Max Lucado

The Psychology of Being Bitchy: Why are women meaner to each other than men and 5 Things we can do about it

Comedian Chris Rock once said “if women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other”.  And after having a giggle at the obvious joke, I realised it really wasn’t that far from the truth. I’m not saying that all women are mean to each other, or that all women hate other women and put each other down … but … (you see, there’s aaalways a but). Let me ask you a question: Have you ever had someone say something mean about you or put you down behind your back? – Yes? Lots of the times? – OK. Now let me ask you this: Have you ever said anything mean about a friend or put her down behind her back? – Exactly. How much of women’s underlying ‘bitchy-ness’ is a stereotype and how much of it rings kind of true?

We’ve all been on the receiving end of a mean girl and whether we’ve intended it to or not, we’ve all been ‘mean’ ourselves at some stage in our life. So if we know that generally women can be meaner to each other than men, and we know what it’s like to be put down by one of our own; then why on earth do we continue to act like this? If we know better, why aren’t we doing better?

As a psychologist, and a woman, the concept of ‘the girl code’, ‘mean girls’ and an obvious ‘relational aggression’ towards other women remains an interesting topic as we see it move well beyond the realms of high school into the workplace and adult relationships. As adolescents, the opinion of our peers starts to become very important and most of us would have been caught up, at least once, in a situation where we acted ‘mean’ towards another girl in order to feel accepted by others. Our reasoning could have varied from fear of not fitting in, not knowing any better or not knowing how to express our frustration with someone, and then again some of us were just plain bitchy in high school. That’s ok! As a teenager we have the right to be idiots where we hopefully don’t do too much damage and learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, some mean girls don’t always grow out of it though and continue similar behaviours as adults. The psychological warfare that’s called women-on-woman bullying is an art form in itself. It can be subtle, sneaky and passive, but oh so effective. The “bitchy-ness” can be used to dominate and control subordinates or colleagues in the workplace, and in a social context terms like “frenemies” are now thrown around loosely when talking about everyday female friendships. This feeling of being subconsciously ‘on guard’ around other women is normal for a lot of us, and it’s exhausting. When speaking with some of my fellow ladies (in order to get more information for this blog post) the story of a once close girlfriend now turned foe was a common theme, so I know I’m not alone here.

Why do we show relational aggression towards each other?

Relational aggression is a type of aggression that focuses on damaging someone’s relationship or social status. Some argue that the innate need to compete with each other falls back on evolution This theory suggests that women needed to protect their fertility from physical harm (aka keep a clean cave and have babies with the big, strong, caveman), so relational aggression ensured they lowered the supply of other women (aka the competition).  A second theory by feminist N. Shpancer indicated that women came to consider being prized by men as their ultimate source of strength and worth (aka keep a clean 2- bedroom and make babies with the big, smart, successful stockbroker) which compelled them to battle and belittle other women (aka the competition).

All the previous research seems to tell us that we were initially required to battle each other to ensure we had the best access to procreate, but of course these are no longer real concerns in modern day society. That’s where another theory by Emily v Gordon (author of “Super You”) comes to play. She proposes that “we are no longer competing with other women, but ultimately, with ourselves – with how we think and feel about ourselves”. She argues, “for many of us, we look at other women and see, instead, a version of ourselves that is better, prettier, smarter or something more. We don’t see the other woman at all.”

So again, I ask the question: If we know we do this (and we all do this to some extent- it’s in our genes, ya might say), and we know we no longer need to eliminate the competition for our own survival or the survival of the species, what can we do to lift each other up rather than turn on each other?

How can we manage and minimize the bitchy-ness?

1. Don’t let jealousy rule your behaviour

Despite our best efforts, the focus on our looks and body image is still regularly associated with our success as women. It has been there for a long time and I don’t think it will go away soon. Most women don’t necessarily invite this kind of attention voluntarily and often consciously try to avoid being influenced by it. Some even take it a step further and go out of their way to not let body image define their self-worth and success and challenge the standard idea of “beauty” all together. However, other people around us can make ‘looks’ a priority and often we correspondingly internalise it by default… it’s a knee jerk reaction. This is not to say that women can’t or shouldn’t take care of themselves or enjoy fashion… these things are still fun and playful (something this little tomboy has learnt to appreciate living in Paris) and these should be enjoyed by both women and men (and if you know Parisian men, you’ll agree that most of them take better care of their looks than some of their female counterparts 😉 But when the idea of ‘looks’ negatively impacts someone’s ability to get a job or to be taken seriously, we have a problem.

2. Change your Response

We can’t always control what people think of us, but what we can control is how we respond. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. How significant is this person in the context of your whole life? Can you change your response by simply not interacting with them when they display aggressive behaviour?  What boundaries can you implement to minimise your exposure to their negativity?

3. Be a Good Listener and show Empathy

Aside from the looks issue, miscommunication is often the second biggest reason why some women clash with others. Showing your willingness to listen, without interruption or criticism, could help process the situation and any possible underlying issues. Sometimes, when we feel overwhelmed, some of us resort to being a bit catty- so it could all well be smoothed over by offering a listening ear. If one of our own is indeed is just having a bad day, validating those emotions and demonstrating that you understand how they’re feeling could help defuse the situation.

4. Build up your Self-Esteem

We often externalise what we’re feeling on the inside and many ‘bitchy’ women merely act that way as a defence mechanism to their own low self-esteem or anxiety. It’s no excuse to be mean to others, but it does help to better understand where someone’s ‘bad behaviour’ might come from. We might not lash out at someone when we’re feeling insecure, but be honest, we’ve often pre-judged a better looking or smarter woman before getting to know her better. By building up our own self-esteem we can battle those snarky, inner demons that gossip and judge and we can focus on appreciating someone’s success and beauty individually and maybe even learn a thing or two.

5. Stand Up for Yourself

Practice being assertive and self-confident (if needed, fake it till you make it). You can defend yourself without having to resort to aggression. If you are in the workplace, calmly explain that you won’t tolerate this underlying form of bullying as it’s unprofessional and won’t lead to anything positive. In a social setting, this can prove to be more difficult, but again; show them your cards and what you will and will not tolerate. If the rebuttal is “relax, it was just a joke, you need to loosen up a little”, continue to stand your ground. You don’t need to dive into an hour long lecture, but now you’ve made your position clear… and joke or not… they know where you stand on the issue. Remember, ‘mean’ women count on you being passive about their behaviour and don’t expect you to stand up to it. It might take some time, depending on their determination, but if you show them that you won’t be an easy target, they will often back down and leave you alone.

Gossiping, name calling, excluding and belittling each other are only a few things that we should start eliminating; so that one day, we can indeed, run the world!

Pros and Cons of having Dual Nationality

With the World Cup gracing our screens over the next two months, I’m again confronted with one of the smaller challenges of having a dual nationality.  A Belgian who emigrated to Australia as a teen, and who obtained dual citizenship, became a “Belgalian” or “Austrelgian” if you will. Add in the fact that I now live in France married to a football-lovin’ Frenchman, and of course my support has branched off to a third party. Our spot in the fan-zone, however, is not the main challenge one might face when being a citizen of two or more countries, as the issue can go a lot deeper than which team to support.

1. ‘Supporting’ your country in events (let’s start on a lighter note)

Some people find it hard to understand that one can back two or more teams. Some die-hard fans might find it hard to accept that you’re not totally committed to only one side and even view it as ‘disloyal’. When it comes to football – and I mean the ‘real’ football where they actually use their feet *oh snap* 😝 – I tend to lean more to my Belgian roots, perhaps because the sport has been culturally more popular there. But that doesn’t stop me from waving the Southern Cross like a maniac when it’s the Aussies’ turn. And of course, during other games the Blues have got my full support as well. Being attached to several countries means you can pick and choose when you support your respective countries. They might have strengths in different areas and why not celebrate all of those, because … well… we can 🙂

2. Cultural Education 

Some might question whether allowing dual citizenship disrupts cultural assimilation and degrades national identity. Integration into another country’s culture and identity is part of the expat or migrant’s life, but that doesn’t mean your own customs don’t take a small hit once in a while with the occasional culture clash, depending on where you live. My European tendency to give everyone a kiss on the cheek as I greet them, got a few raised eyebrows in Australia at first (why does she need to go around to all 10 people at the dinner party? ) Much like how the Anglo-saxon influence in my upbringing hasn’t always been well understood here in France. (Why does she feel the need to talk to random strangers, why do they eat and go to bed so early, or why does she love Halloween so much?) You’re trying to wade your way through a mixing pot of cultural habits, things you’ve learnt in one country but not the other and so on. Despite all that, as a dual citizen, you have the advantages of that mixing pot and being immersed in the culture of two or more countries. Not only does this enhance a certain open-mindedness as you learn about different histories, languages and ways of life; but it allows for you to put an individual spin on how you combine the best of these worlds into your own life. It’s truly a gift if you ask me.

3. Emotional Attachment  

To what extent do people who have more than one understanding of national identity feel a sense of belonging? For many of us multi-nationals, national identity is a blend of factors. Family history, community, spirituality, personal experience, political views, ethnicity and actual citizenship are only to name a few. For those who obtained a second citizenship through a previous generation, balancing national identity and emotional attachment may not affect their day to day lives. However, for others, the link to family heritage and cultural identity is not necessarily dropped when obtaining a second nationality. We sometimes question ourselves on where we might fit in more, or which culture we truly identify with, but do we need to choose in the first place?

For some of us, being a dual national means identifying with our immediate surroundings. Dual citizen Elizabeth states “I connect to where I am. When in France, I feel more French, as being here means I’m immersed in all the things that make me French. Just like being back in the US makes me feel more American than ever.” Others might have an opposite impulse and lean on their emotional attachment when they are out of that broader environment. I tend to refer more to my European background when I’m in Australia, but defend Down Under with a fiery passion if anyone ever has anything to say about it in France. The dual identities and harmonizing one’s loyalty become part our lives (even expats with only the one nationality could relate to this I’m sure). Despite the differences between all of our countries though, many of us have found a home in both (or more) places.

4. ‘Political’ backlash 

In some cases, those who think of themselves as the core citizens of a nation find something unsettling in the notion of a fellow-citizen who is also of another citizenship and nationality. They view nationality as a distinctive status of their nation, which implies connection to that nation, rather than simply the legal tie. As a blue-eyed, blonde Caucasian I haven’t had too many troubles with this issue, but plenty of loved ones around me have had to deal with others’ ignorance and hostility over the years. There are unfortunately still a large number of people who see themselves as the historical ‘natives’ and therefore perceive immigrant ‘outsiders’ as a threat to the fabric of their national identity. Comments like “well if you miss it so much, why don’t you just go back” or “that’s not how we do it here, take it or leave it” sadly only sound too familiar and don’t come from just the one place…. this stuff’s everywhere.

Luckily, the above is only one point of view and many others embrace the cultural differences brought with each new citizen. Accommodating multiple identities does not mean we have to abandon our cultural heritage. In many democratic societies, people are free to follow and share their beliefs and traditions as long as they do not break the laws of that country (seems fair enough). We need to value this freedom and role model treating others with mutual respect, regardless of country of origin, gender, race, sexual preference, politics, wealth or religion.

 

7 ways to work through a broken heart

(* feature image cropped from a Juan Felipe Rubio: http://rubiobuitrago.com/)

I can honestly say that one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to endure is a broken heart. Sounds just a tad bit dramatic right? I know, but hear me out…  When losing loved ones, moving countries, going through surgery, etc., I could rationalise to a certain extent ‘why’ some of these things happened. It made working through them a little easier (now I didn’t say “easy”, I said “easierrrr”). It’s not a competition of which one hurts the most, but with a broken heart, I feel people are often left with a whole bunch of questions that are likely never to get answers… and it’s that inability for closure part that seems to be the kicker for most.

Without my fair share of the occasional crush-like heartaches and the agonizing experience of an actual ‘broken heart’ I probably wouldn’t have become the person I am today. Although my heart has long recovered since then, it’s not something you completely forget. My heart may no longer be broken, but I’d say it will always be just a little bit bruised, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I will never regret the ones I once loved; because, back in the day, they were exactly what I needed.

What is a broken heart?

A broken heart is more of a metaphor for intense emotional, and sometimes physical, stress or pain one feels at experiencing a great longing (thanks Wikipedia). It’s something we can find cross culturally, and although it can very well apply to the loss of a loved one, it’s more commonly references to the desire or loss of a lover. Some emotional pain can be so severe it even causes actual, physical damage to your heart known as ‘broken heart syndrome’ (what a way to make your ex feel guilty with that one, huh!).  A broken heart can present itself in many different ways from eating a tub of ice cream in front of the TV, calling your friends in tears for 2 weeks straight (okay, a month straight), beating the crap out of a boxing bag at the gym or drunk texting your ex at 3 am (which, I promise, is never a good idea).

But despite the heartache and going through a shitty time, I still very much agree with Tennyson’s famous “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all“. It might not feel like it at the time, but eventually you’ll get to a place where you can look back on your time together with fondness and, who knows, even remain friends. Others might prefer looking back with slight rage and never see the person again in their life which works too … whatever floats your boat really. The point is, there are ways to move passed it and continue your life with their part just no longer in it.

Below are a few trialled and tested ways, by myself and some friends, that have gotten us through dealing with our own, broken hearts.

1. Grab the pain by the horns

Dive into the deep-end and accept that you will have to go through a rough patch. If you loved someone enough to be heartbroken, it’s unrealistic to think you won’t suffer a little bit. Of course it is easier said than done to just stand there and take it. But that is exactly what we must do. You have to grieve in order to move on as it’s a natural part of the healing process. Any psychologist would tell you that you need to go through the issue and not around it. If you go around it, it will eventually rear its ugly head somewhere else. While grabbing the pain by the horn, eventually it will tire and loose its grip on you.

2. Talk it out

Going through a heartbreak doesn’t get the same acknowledgment as a death in the family for example. We don’t get time off work, and people give us sympathy as we all deal with the loss together. Some people tend to minimise a broken heart (especially if they ‘ve never experienced one themselves or they have forgotten what it’s like). It’s important to surround yourself with people who are understanding which can give you the support you need as well as distract you from the current situation.  Ask any of my closest friends, because they have been my shoulder to cry on for years. Having people accept the pain with me helped me better work through it; and having friends strong enough to give me the occasional mental slap-in-the-face helped me keep things in perspective when I got stuck in a dramatic cycle.

After on-and-offing it with someone close to me for years, without him wanting to fully commit, I came home in tears for the umpteenth time. My roommate, who had had a first row seat to it all, in the end – and quite firmly- said: “You know what Stef. It’s just not good enough”. That one little sentence flicked a sudden switch in my brain that showed me I obviously needed more than what this relationship was giving me. I thought I was in love, but perhaps I had grown more in love with the ‘idea of him’ over the years. Safe to say it’s what I finally needed to hear in order to start the process of walking away from that situation once and for all.

3. You’re responsible for your own happiness

Happiness is a choice and nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. It’s a powerful thing to have, your happiness, and we shouldn’t assign anyone else that much power over our life. It doesn’t come to you, it needs to come from you. Heck, some might need to ‘fake it before we make it’ to retrieve some of that happiness, but eventually it does come back to you….  if you let it.

4. Cry

As a psychologist and as a friend, I always encourage people to cry it out! My favourite metaphor is the ever-filling bucket of water we call ‘life’. We continually have things pour into our bucket and then stress-manage our way into maintaining a reasonable balance by letting some of the water out. Some days however, that bucket flows over, and we need to make some space. Crying literally does that for us!  Biochemist William Frey, who has spent 15 years as head of a research team studying tears, came to the conclusion that emotional tears (as compared to tears of irritation, like when you cut an onion) contain toxic biochemical byproducts. Crying removes these toxic substances and relieves emotional stress. So go grab a box of Kleenex and cry your little heart out! (I’m about to contradict myself with point 5 below, but listening to that ‘one song’ can help get the weeping process started. Just make sure you turn the song off once the tears flow.) A pitty party can be useful, just don’t let it overstay its welcome.

5. Change some of your habits

The main issue with being broken-hearted is that we seem to relive our misery over and over again. We listen to music that reminds us of our ex, we check out their social network account, or in some cases we still see them ‘intimately’ without the commitment (which really is just a way to hang on to them for as long as we can because we’re just not ready to let go). Regardless of how it happens, we end up being locked into a repeating dysfunctional pattern of behaviour. Without perhaps realising it, you have programmed yourself to feel a certain sense of grief every time you hear ‘that song’ or are confronted with a picture of them on Facebook.  Our pain has now become a mental habit, and this habit, must be broken. We need to try and find ways to break those mental connections by turning off the music that reminds us of them, staying off social media (or at least their account), and for Pete’s sake stop sleeping with them !! The changes you make don’t have to be permanent (well…. except for the sleeping together part), but their aim is to break up the old associations and give you a new environment for your new part in life. Even if it’s as minimal as moving around some furniture, changing your perfume or deleting their number, changing something now will already make a difference.
Getting away from the situation, be it temporary, can also help us regain some perspective and recharge our batteries. Not everyone can afford a lavish holiday away to get over a relationship, which is why a friend of mine rented a cheap little cabin in the woods for a few days and spent her time hiking in nature. “After a while I felt a little creeped out being out in the woods on my own, but at least it took my mind off the other things for a few days” she chuckles.

6. Exercise

This might sound like such a cliché on dealing with any kind of emotional distress, but thousands of health professionals and lifestyle blogs wouldn’t keep encouraging you to exercise if it didn’t significantly help with managing our emotions!

Elnaz remembers a past break-up left her feeling unable to control the situation, which turned her to exercise. She hired a trainer and took control of the one thing she could… her own body and her own motivation. “My trainer made me feel strong again and built up my self-worth” she states. “They showed me I could have control again in a time where it didn’t feel I did (and as a bonus I worked on a ‘revenge body’ where I turned out feeling and looking better than what I did before).”

Anna, on the other hand, turned to yoga. After a break-up she happened to find herself in a yoga class which helped her put things in perspective and acknowledge that her happiness was hers to maintain (as we covered earlier). “You focus on yourself and not the forces around you that you can’t control” she explains.

7. Feel some kindness towards your ex

This might not always be easy depending on how and why you ended your relationship, especially at first; but it’s not about keeping in touch with an ex or being best buddies. It’s about letting go of any anger and wishing them well in life. From where I stand, just because a relationship didn’t work out romantically doesn’t always mean it has to end completely. I was good friends before with my ex and although we may never be the best of buds again, I wasn’t prepared to delete our friendship entirely. Of course, I needed a chunk of time to pass by before I could truly feel good about being in contact with him again, but time, for us, did seem to heal most wounds. My situation might not work for everyone, and all this can be done in your own mind, you don’t need to call them to wish them happiness, but it can help bring balance and peace to our own inner consciousness.

And remember to love again…

Once our hearts are bruised and battered from a relationship that ended, we have two options: we can close off pieces of our heart so that no one will be able to get back inside. Or we can love again. Deeply, just as intensely as we did before. Henri Nouwen urges to love again because he believes the more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper.

It sure as shit doesn’t feel like it at the time, but the pain of rejection/absence can, in fact, become constructive, you just need to be open to taking that risk again…

A ‘battle of the Sexes’ or is it really?

As I don’t mind the challenge of diving into a controversial topic once in a while, please note that this blog post has been written as an opinion piece, solely from the point of view of the writer (and some of the writer’s friends 😉  I wanted to discuss the so-called ‘battle of the sexes’ and how I’m starting to feel that the true battles women (and men) deal with on a daily basis are increasingly being dominated and (falsely) linked with an ever growing hype of over-sensitivity and Femi-Nazism (a term used to describe ‘radical feminists’).

I feel the word ‘feminism’ has been tainted. What started as a movement for gender equality seems to be overshadowed by the ‘extreme feminist’ who views anyone who thinks differently as the enemy. It’s a darn shame, because true feminism does not condemn men for being the cause of everything bad in the world nor does it encourage us to storm the streets in our bras because ‘no man will ever tell me what to wear!’ They are the reason why a lot of us are shying away from modern feminism and referring to ourselves more as “equalists” rather than “feminists”.

I don’t believe one sex is superior to the other. We all excel in different areas of life and other than some biological perks (like carrying a child, the ability to have multiple orgasms or peeing standing up) I don’t think our gender is the main contributor to our strengths nor our weaknesses.

An Example: The recent (increased) awareness of sexual harassment

After the recent Weinstein scandal, an increased awareness of sexual harassment and abuse spread on social media like wildfire, with women worldwide sharing their stories. This triggered a huge rethink of attitudes towards sexual harassment in and outside the workplace. Here in France, gender equality Minister Schiappa kicked off nationwide consultations over a law due to be completed early next year that will include steps to fight sexual harassment on the streets as well (Reuters, Oct 2017).

I see this law as an excellent step forward to ‘outing’ this kind of behavior and creating a zero tolerance to any kind of violence and harassment. However, as I mentioned earlier, our often hyper-sensitive society (who just loooves to get so easily offended these days) seems to be creating a blurred image of what exactly the term ‘harassment ‘stands for, consequently obstructing (rather than helping) the essential goal of such a law.

When interviewing people to get some background for this blog post, I was met with a range of opinions to try and get a holistic view on the topic. The one opinion that seemed to repeat itself continuously, however, was the fact that some radicals had jumped on the hype wagon and had derailed this whole ‘harassment thing’ off its original course, turning it into a witch hunt at work and on the street, taking away from those who truly had had a genuine, traumatic experience.

Some had the concern that their own harassment/assault claims would no longer be taken seriously, because of the “hype” (really?? All this work and bravery from people sharing their stories, only for it to be seen as ‘hype’?) Others stated they are now reluctant to even joke around in the workplace out of fear it would be interpreted as harassment.  This is the exact opposite of what was intended, and I blame the radical side, as well as and the rest who are being swept up in the hype along with them.

It’s important to differentiate between what is ‘annoying’ and what is ‘harassment’.  Harassment is generally identified as a course of conduct which annoys, threatens, intimidates, alarms or puts a person in fear of their safety.  Whereas annoying someone, albeit a pain in the ass, is not intended to hurt or scare anyone; it may actually be unintentional.

This is where people are getting concerned that ‘radical feminists’ might blur the two together and anything now is open for interpretation. A man whistling at a woman on the street (or vice versa, because that happens too) is not the same thing as a man physically grabbing a woman on the street or hindering her way to intimidate her. Asking someone out at a bar (or if you’re brave enough, at work) should not be immediately seen as harassment (if the answer is no and the person persists, then we’re getting into that grey area) but don’t persecute someone for having a fair go at first. And last but not least, if someone’s behavior is in a grey area and you’re not sure if they intended to make you feel uncomfortable, there is nothing wrong with telling the person directly how you feel. Easier said than done I know, but don’t send poor Joe to Human Resources straight away if you didn’t like his borderline sexist joke …

Being annoying is well…. annoying… but it is not a crime. People need to remember when you accuse someone of sexual assault, it’s a big deal!

Gender Stereotypes have changed

I am lucky to have been raised by a set of parents who took on the task of raising a family and living life as a team. Never was the sentence “that’s a woman/man’s job” uttered in our household, nor were we ever actively raised that all things should be equal… things just were. I’m aware that that may not have been the case for everyone, but I’d like to think that my generation (the microgeneration between Gen Y and X) has already seen a huge shift in gender stereotypes while growing up.

In general, men today, are not who they were two generations ago. They do not expect their meals to be on the table, they actively contribute in parenting duties (including poopy diapers), and although some might dabble and joke around, none of them truly expect to be living out an episode of ‘Mad Men’.

Just like that, nobody gasps in shock either when a woman dives under the car and changes a tire, decided to choose a career over family or is the main breadwinner at home.

We’re all living together as a team, making up for each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Sure, we don’t always see eye to eye, but we’re making it work.

I’m not denying that there are still parts of the world where this is just not the case, nor am I saying that there are no ongoing issues when it comes to gender equality… far from it! But things, really for the first world, are not that bad and we should not take it for granted.

Double Standards

Although things are going fine in the scheme of things, I believe double standards are still present where it can be desirable for one group and deplorable for another. It’s these double standards that are typically used by the radical sides as they pick and choose what suits their arguments best.

A man can’t slap a woman (but when she does it I’m sure she had a good reason). Just like discrimination against women is wrong (but discrimination against men is called equal opportunity). Women should not be objectified in magazines; it’s degrading (as we reach for our yearly Hot Firemen Calendar… well done boys, rrrrrrr!)

The coin flips both ways as women are ball busters for asking what time he’ll be home after drinks with the guys (meanwhile, she has 4 missed calls thirty minutes into girls night). Marriage is a way to trap men (and women supposedly ‘won’ the lottery there). That guy slept around and tells dirty jokes… what a legend (same for her… that’s a bit vulgar don’t you think, you dirty slut? 😉

It’s important that we don’t fall into the traps of such double standards as I think the majority of us get along just fine with the opposite sex; and any conflicts are often just as a result of someone’s behavior (i.e. are they being an ass or not) rather than whether they have an extra X or Y chromosome.

So in conclusion to what has been by longest rant yet, men are from Mars, women are from Venus; and there’s nothing wrong with that. We should embrace our differences and focus on equality where it matters. People should be evaluated on their behavior and attitude towards others, not on their gender (nor race/religion/sexual preference … but that’s a whole new topic).

In my books, it doesn’t matter what is between your legs… if you’re nice to me then I’ll be nice to you.

If you continuously harass people in any way or form it’s not because you’re a man or a woman, it’s simply because you’re being an asshole… and both genders have those!

Suicidal Ideation: The Red Flags and How You Can Help

(Also published in ‘Bonjour France Magazine’ July, 2017)

PLEASE NOTE : **Although the author of this personal blog is a psychologist, this article is aimed to provide further information and is not the equivalent of therapeutic intervention. If you believe you or someone you know might be suffering from depression/suicidal thoughts, please contact your local suicide support line or a healthcare professional**

For every attempted suicide, there is thought to be one or more people where the thought of suicide is still very present but has never resulted into an actual attempt. With over a half a million people making a suicidal attempt each year, this translates into a huge problem that largely gets ignored.

Suicide or Suicidal thoughts are very complex. They are often a symptom of mental health concerns such as depression paired with life stressors that only exacerbate the idea of feeling hopeless, being lost or feeling like a burden.

Often people who attempt suicide don’t actually want to die, but see it as their only way out.  Sometimes, such attempts might be viewed as a ‘cry for attention’, but they can’t be ignored.  If you’re concerned about someone who might be suicidal or harbor these thoughts, it’s important to take them seriously.

One of the common misconception about suicide states that someone who is determined to end their life will do it one way or another; this is not true. More often than not, people who contemplate suicide give out warning signs (intentional or not) and you may be in a position to help them before they make a decision that can never be taken back.

Even if you see it as merely a ‘cry for attention’ , it is still a cry for help, regardless, and needs to be addressed.

The following signs are no sure indicators that someone will in fact attempt, but they are red flags to keep in mind and address:

Signs of Possible Red flags Concerning Suicidal Thoughts

1.Talking about suicide

One of the most obvious red flags). They might seriously conciser it or casually mention it’s on their minds, but listen. Sometimes (especially amongst teenagers) it could be seen as ‘getting attention’ or being ‘dramatic’. Regardless of our own prejudges or whether we things the person is just going through a bad spell, it’s important to take this seriously and listen to what they have to say.

2. Alcohol and drug abuse.

Often people who are suffering from depression or anxiety turn to alcohol or drugs as a temporary relief of some sorts. Although this might be a quick fix, more often than not substance abuse only escalates the depression/anxiety as the underlying reasons or not addressed. A band aid might stop the bleeding but eventually it peels off. The risk of suicidal thoughts turning into a more realistic action is greatly increased with substance abuse … someone who may not take that step sober, might find themselves with the ‘liquid courage’ or diminished reasoning to push themselves over the edge and take their own lives.

3. Withdrawal from others.

Another red flag is when someone decides to cut themselves off from their friends and family. They become withdrawn and don’t want to talk to anyone about it as they don’t feel it’s worth the effort. Although the withdrawal might again be a temporary fix, it only enhances their isolation and feeling that they are handling all of this on their own

4. Not seeing a future.

When someone says they can’t see a clear future, sometimes may indicate that they have lost all hope for what’s ahead… they might not find themselves strong enough or worthy enough to get out of this bad period they find themselves in. Again, just because someone doesn’t see a clear cut out future, doesn’t make them suicidal, but put together with some of the other signs we are mentioning here, it could also be a red flag

5.’Saying goodbye’

This isn’t always in a form of a letter or note that has come to be so largely associated with suicide. Sometimes people will make fleeting comments like ‘I won’t be around to bother anyone for much longer’, there’s just no way out of this or giving away personal possessions or getting their affairs in order … These may be indicators that they are contemplating life without them in it

6. They are no longer sad, they are numb, which somehow seems worse

Sometimes an eerie ‘calmness’ might come over someone who has made the decision to take their own life. When someone who is usually very social and outgoing suddenly becomes withdrawn and isolated , take note. When someone who is usually rational and careful, displays reckless behaviors. Take note. When someone seems to ‘not care anymore’ about anything. Take note. Perhaps they’re going through a rough time and suicide is not on their mind at all… but you won’t know that for sure until you listen and talk to them

What can I do to help?

You don’t need to be a mental health professional in order to be part of helping someone who is contemplating suicide. Of course professional help is highly recommended to support someone through the underlying issues that are causing them to feel like there are no other options. But before getting them to see a therapist, doctor, counsellor or any other health professional, here are a few things you could do to help them get there:

     1. Be prepared

Make sure you yourself are ready to hear the possible answer that they are indeed planning to end their own life. What actions would you take to help them and prevent them from making that choice. What are your own beliefs around the topic and how would you handle supporting them)

2. Be direct

You may not want to offend them (because we live in a society where we all step on eggshells around each other when it comes to certain topics) but be direct.  People who have such thoughts may not always know how to ask for help, and they might try and push people away as they try and process what’s going through their own minds.  Ask them if they are thinking of suicide… don’t be vague. If the answer is no, that doesn’t mean they don’t need help … Prevention is not only about stopping a planned attempt, but about helping someone before they even get to that place

3. Don’t panic and stay calm

Focus on asking questions and get as much information on what is happening in their life that got them to feel they have no way out. Panicking could only escalate the situation and add extra misery to an already chaotic mind. Tough love comments such as ‘the coward way out’, it’s selfish and idiotic can backfire as it will only reinforce their own thoughts of feeling useless and unworthy.  Stay calm and help them through this

4. What can I (not) say

As mentioned before, you don’t need to be a healthcare professional in order to help someone you know or care about, just being supportive and a listening ear can be a great start. However, be mindful about the following : a) don’t be judgmental or guilt-trip: they already feel pretty low about themselves b) saying things like ‘don’t worry, it will get better’ may be said with the best intentions, but it may also make them feel like you are minimizing what they are going through or feeling. What may seem trivial or ‘not as serious’ to you, may feel like the end of the world for them. Try and focus on giving examples of how they could work through this c) Everyone’s story is different so don’t tell them you know what they are going through (even if you had a similar experience). This isn’t about you, it’s about them and acknowledging that you hear it’s tough for them rather than claiming you already know what it’s like.

5. Most importantly, encourage them to seek professional help.

Be it a hotline, a general practitioner or a mental health professional. Show them that they have you there for support no matter what, but that speaking with someone could help them work on possible outcomes to work through this…. A network is stronger than one individual.

Responding in a Crisis Situation

When you feel someone’s suicidal thoughts might be putting them at immediate risk of harm, ask the following questions:

– Do they have a suicide plan

– Do they have the means to carry our their plan? (eg: pills, knives, guns, …)

– Do they know when they would do it?

– Do they intend to take their own life?

If a suicide attempt seems imminent, contact your emergency services or take them to the hospital. Remove all weapons, knives, medication or other potentially lethal object from their environment, and never, under any circumstances, leave a suicidal person alone.                                                                              (source: helpguide.org) 

At any one time, people may exhibit many of the warning signs mentioned above, without harboring suicidal thoughts. But a lower rate in a larger population is still a lot of people – and many completed suicides had only a few of the conditions listed above. In a one person to another person situation, all indications of suicidal ideation need to be taken seriously.

Remember, nothing is more terrifying than battling with your own mind every single day.

We’ve got to stop this “Parent Shaming”

We have got to stop this parent shaming !!!

By a show of hands, who here has been judged, at some point, on their parenting. Now by the same show of hands, who here has judged other parents (*no… you don’t actually have to raise your ha*….. you see what I’m trying to get at here). Call it assessing competition/compatibility or just being plain bitchy, but we’re all guilty of at least thinking it.

Now back in the good old days, judging was done behind each other’s backs and we could just stick to our little groups of people who handled their kids the same way we did. However, fast forward to the Internet age, and on a daily basis my Facebook feed is flooded with propaganda, health articles and ‘new research’ that seems to show me exactly how bad I am doing at this whole parenting thing.

Not only do we have the ‘facts’ (and I use that term oh so lightly), but with that come the many voices that suggest to the rest of us that we’re doing a crappy job. In the age of oversharing on social media and a false sense of anonymity online, people seem to have taken it upon themselves to judge, criticize and sometimes just plain bully others ,without accounting for the consequences their words might bring.

Of course shaming each other seems to be somewhat of a global issue ranging from our religious/political choices, how we view our body image and what foods we prefer to eat (spoiler alert…. it ALL gives you cancer.. apparently.)  With that, I’d like to focus in particular on parent shaming and some of the issues I’ve stumbled upon in my short 3,5 years as a parent of two children (yes, based on the above criteria, that now makes me an expert  😉

1. ‘Fed is best’ (phrase taken from an existing Facebook page)

Both my girls have been bottle fed (*gasp*). They didn’t get any breast milk from the very start (*double gasp*). With the second one we even gave up within the first month (*exists and slams door*). But did you know that I was never able to produce the milk to begin with…. and yes we tried every tip/suggestion/hint we could find or were given… nothing worked. I had the storage… just not the stock. My girls were frustrated, hungry and missed out on bonding with their mom because each feeding session caused more and more stress for all of us (at one point I had a nurse milking me like a cow while another tried to attach my baby to the boob…. very sexy.. and relaxing) In the end, feeding them formula made them just as happy and healthy and we could focus again on the key issue of getting them fed and enjoying the time to bond and love them.

A number of friends have breastfed their babies in public (*gasp*)… they didn’t use a feeding schedule (*double gasp*) and some are even still breastfeeding their toddler (*the crowd goes wild*). But did you know that it makes them feel so much closer to their little ones.. and yes they know formula could do the trick just as much to give them a break…. but they don’t need nor want it. This is their choice and they are happy about that and I don’t see the kids complaining either.

Everyone has their own prerogative on how they feed their children and damnit.. as long as these babies are fed healthy (meaning breast or formula… not whiskey) then they’ll be just fine!

2. Dad’s don’t babysit, they parent

Ok, the breastfeeding can be more relatable to moms (in account of the whole ‘having boobs’ thing) but for too long have I seen the dads be pushed on the bench when it comes to ‘knowing how hard it is to be a parent’. So with this, I would like to do a little shout-out to all the papas out there. Being parents is about being a team, and like any team, everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses that we bring to the field. There is no superhero and the silly side-kick when it comes to parenting (although it’d be fun to start wearing our underwear on the outside).

It bothers me when people refer to daddies ‘babysitting’ to give mom a night out, but I don’t see us paying them at the end of the night and sending them on their jolly way for a good night’s sleep afterwards.

And believe it or not, when mommy’s not there, daddy also knows how not to kill the baby, what lyrics go with ‘Do you want to build a Snowman’ and that ‘snugglebut’ is the only teddy that helps them sleep better.

Just like moms no longer want to be seen as the 1950s housewife who gets excited about the new washing machine, dads no longer want to be seen as the authoritarian parent who couldn’t tell the front or back of a diaper if their life depended on it.

3. What if I told you that our babies slept through the night without using controlled crying nor co-sleeping…

When it comes up that our girls slept through the night from 3/4 months onward, I am often immediately greeted with the “Oh, I could never listen to my baby cry it out”. Often, one style of parenting is joined with a number of assumptions linked to that style and we don’t look at the background of the situation or most importantly…. is the kid happy?

We used somewhat of a schedule when feeding our girls (of course if they were really hungry before their scheduled time… we fed them… duh). But having a bit of a routine for both of them when it came to feeding and bedtime seemed to really work for us and them and of course I also take into account the immense amount of luck we’ve had with good nighttime sleepers… a lot of luck.

In saying that, parents who do decide on controlled crying are not sadists who sit outside their baby’s bedroom door and giggle every time the child cries out … like the rest of us, they are just trying out what works best for everyone involved in finding the right way to get our babies to sleep. We might not always agree on other people’s methods, but everyone is trying to just figure it out as we go..

I also know a number of parents who co-sleep, and even though it’s not something we did ourselves, we seen their kids as happy and healthy mini-humans. Yes, the parents are tired, I can’t think of any parent who isn’t, and no, none of them have gotten squashed just yet.. they’re fine!

Again, as long as the kids are happy it’s ok to find a schedule or a method that works for both the parents and the children. Sleep deprivation is just part of the game… find your own way to make it manageable.

4. If you have found the solution, share, don’t shame

I applaud those parents who have found the light and the only true way to parent their babies effectively. I even more so enjoy their regular social media blasts where they share their newfound enlightenment with the clear assumption that the rest of us are all still in the dark and know nothing or are ignorant and resistant to change.

If you find some interesting articles out there, or new research that could interest others, by all means, do share the love! But don’t shame the rest of us for not knowing this obvious valuable piece of information (even though you just read about it only 2 weeks ago yourself).  I’m glad people have found the light and maybe it is indeed the best way to go… if so, give the rest of us a chance to get their on our own … because your smug attitude will just make we want to rebel even more.

(*side note: not everyone sharing an article on parenting is considered a douche, we’ve got the right to speak our minds (this blog post being case in point)

5.  Don’t make up statistics or facts to prove a point

This is where fictional information on the Internet comes to play, or as our buddy D. Trump calls it ‘fake news’. Some people out there are good at relaying their personal opinions as hard facts. An example, chocking and SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) is a big worry for all parents, so please don’t tell a parent that their way to put their child to bed can lead to SIDS unless you have the scientific facts to back you up. We have been told that our use of ‘sleep positioners’ (to stop baby from rolling) could lead to SIDS… bullshit. Some of my co-sleeping friends have been told they could squash and choke their baby while they sleep…. bullshit. We’ll always find that one case where a baby did die etc, but don’t use someone’s horrible (and most likely rare) experience as a statistic to support your opinion on.

6. If you feel very strong about something, that’s fine, but does it need to be said?

In saying that, I feel strongly about this, but vaccines do not cause autism (I’m sorry that is just a scientific fact, we really can’t dispute that one can we?). That doesn’t mean I’ll go hunt down the parents that choose not to vaccinate, nor will I ever confront them about it (however hard it can be). The same goes for people who choose not to have medical, life-saving, interventions for their children because of their religion… I admire doctors who have to deal with this on a regular basis because I know I would struggle at keeping my mouth shut. Again though, this is the parents choice and it sucks big time to see this happen no matter how strongly we disagree with it (I know I do… just write a blog about it instead :p )

As usual, these are all just a compilation of my own personal opinions and suggestions (this being a personal blog and all). If I’ve offended some people with what I wrote please know this was not my intention, but it can be seen as such a ‘taboo’ topic these days that it’s hard to know what you should and shouldn’t write. I guess the main objective I’m trying to get at here is to try and live in a community where we support each other, not to make each other feel bad because we do things differently.

We can’t stop from judging… it’s in our nature.. but think before you speak … is it necessary to say out loud or could we just think it to ourselves?

*(yep, these our kids watching TV… whaaaaaa?! 😉

Making the Heart grow Fonder: 7 Tips for when your partner works Long Distance

(Also posted in BonjourFrance.eu, Nov 2016)

Growing up, I remember my father being away for work quite often and we did not see a whole lot of him during the week. With that said, his weekends were for us and us alone (and maintaining the garden, but he’d put us to work in there together so you know… two birds… one stone).  We didn’t have Skype and mobile phones back then, yet seeing my parents work together like a well-oiled machine really influenced my future relationships.

When I met my husband whilst living in Australia, one of the first things he told me about himself was that he was a French national (although the accent kind of gave it away pretty quickly) and that his work required him to relocate on a regular basis. Our relationship kicked off with a long distance stint before I followed him overseas 14 months later. We traveled in Europe and Asia for his job and settled back in France 2 years ago to plant our feet in the soil and settle down. Nevertheless, his job still has him travelling quite often as I stay behind with our two daughters and the dog.

I certainly am not the only person in this situation, far from it, and have connected with a number of men and women that have spouses working away from home. I thought to share with you some of the tools that we have used over the years and that have proven to be helpful at times.

1. Communication is key

This is pretty much a given. Communication is vital in all relationships, but it doubles in importance when that same relationship must battle the distance. In today’s tech savvy society, we’re extremely spoiled with all the applications and programs available to us to connect with our loved ones. That doesn’t mean communication over the net is as easy as it seems. Although you miss someone every day, you don’t always have a lot to talk about when you get your 15 minutes on the phone together. Often it can feel a bit forced as you try to sift through the day in your mind and share the highlights. Don’t put too much pressure on having the perfect phone call or a deep and meaningful e-mail, simply touching base can be enough to let each other know you’re thinking of one another.

2. Prioritize each other

Enjoy the small talk and joking around, but also leave room for the bigger issues.  Let your partner know where you’re at, even if it’s not the fun news of the day. I know some of us hold back as we don’t want to worry our partner while they are away (or vice versa, worry the ones at home).

Call each other on the times you agreed and touching base during the day can also minimize the ‘out of sight out of mind’ pitfall. Send a sweet video of the kids or a romantic picture to let your better half know they’re on your mind. (Side note: Be cautious with the romantic portraits though, you wouldn’t want to accidentally send a sultry image to their boss or have your sexy face pop up on their computer during a presentation).

3. Learn how to Argue Constructively

Like any relationship, clashes and disagreement happen from time to time. It feels almost artificial to follow what the books say and start an argument calmly with “I feel that…” and “How can we approach this together”.  Take away the face-to-face aspect of the argument and there can be even more room for miscommunication and conflicts. There is nothing wrong with allowing yourselves to have a heated dispute at first, where you throw random arguments at each other and even bring up stupid things from the past (like when they said they would be home at a certain time and strolled in an hour later without a text… the drama :p. Release that frustration, albeit somewhat incoherently. Once all issues have been thrown on the table, that’s when we can calmly focus on the bigger picture and work through the important ones together (some of them might simply go away once you’ve said them out loud).

4. It goes both ways

After a rough day, you might feel  that you’re doing a lot staying behind and taking care of the family, while you think your partner is ‘sleeping in’ at the hotel and having a nice dinner, but that is not always the case.  While it can be exciting to visit new locations and network, the demands of being away for an extended period can cause both physical and mental exhaustion. A few days away might feel like a nice break, but all the comfy hotel beds in the world don’t make up for missing out on the everyday things at home. Working away, while the  significant other stays behind, can be stressful and taxing for both parties. It’s not a competition and being part of a team requires a little give and take from everyone.

5. Make the best of it

At first it didn’t bother me too much that my partner was away a lot. Before we had children, I took advantage of the ‘me-time’, and indulged in ‘girly-my-husband-would-rather-have-a-lobotomy-than-watch-these’ movies as well as meet up with friends. After the arrival of our daughters however, we became a bit more house bound and our priorities changed. Nevertheless, as soon as those monkeys are in their bed, I might grab a glass of red and put on the corniest series I can find (I have no shame in admitting I’m currently hooked on the show ‘Pretty Little Liars’… well maybe a little bit ashamed). It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling a certain void while your partner is away, but making the best of a less favorable situation avoids cutting into your couples-time once they are back. (e.g.: file paperwork, catching up with your own friends, or finally do that ‘extreme Spring clean’ you’ve been planning… even though it’s November).

6. Perspective

Whenever I do feel a bit down in the dumps because, yet again, my husband gets called away for a few weeks, I try to put things in perspective. I have friends in the military who can be away from their partner and kids for 18 months at a time… looking at it that way, our measly 2-3 weeks feel modest. This does not mean that your situation is irrelevant nor that it feels any better being apart. However, reflecting on others’ situation could bring a certain comfort in knowing you’re not the only one doing this and people are rocking the long distance relationships every day! It does take a village to raise a child, so don’t be afraid to accept outside help where offered and build yourself a little support network.

7. You’re a rock star!

Maintaining a relationship from a distance (any relationship for that matter) is not always easy and needs us to be bold and to hang in there. It’s for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone; in exchange for a little time with the ones they love. It’s for recognizing a good thing when they see it, even when they may not see it nearly enough”. I read that once somewhere (thank you random late-night Internet searches whilst hubs is overseas).

Long distance relationships (however short or long) are hard, but they are also incredible. If you can communicate with, love and respect each other from a distance, well then you can knock it out of the park when you’re together!

“Distance gives us a reason to love harder” (Anon).

Seasoned Citizen: sharing some quirks with the Elderly

Whilst staying with my aged and ‘well seasoned’ grandparents during our little Easter holiday, I’ve come to notice a few quirky quirks! Don’t get me wrong, for people late in their 80s they still have amazing stamina and I’ll be damn lucky if I’m running around like they are when I’m that age….

We all grow old and eventually will join them on the sillier side, but here are a few traits I have noticed amongst older citizens, traits that make me adore them even more than I already do (and some I even share at the ripe age of 33 already):

1) The collection of toothbrushes dating back from 1994 piling up in the bathroom cup (unless they secretly have a refugee family living in their attic)

2) In depth, and regular, conversations about bowel movements (often with graphic descriptive feedback) which, for those who know me, is a conversation I’m quite happy to partake in.

3) Within 5 minutes, falling asleep in front of the TV…. but abruptly waking up when someone changes the channel with a stern ‘I am watching that ‘ (even though the movie ended 25 minutes ago)

4) PJ’s before 5pm! (not necessarily a thing just for the elderly as I often find myself in my comfy pajamas well before dinner time)

5) Farting loudly and continuing the conversation as if nothing ever happened, leaving the rest of us struggling to stop our eyes from stinging as we battle the urge to break down in giggles (because no matter how old you are, farts will always be funny)

6) Talking in their sleep (the other night I listened to my grandma ordering a meal and bitching about the waiter while she took a nap)

7) The logic of “you can’t see them, hence, they can’t hear you” when openly discussing someone’s private business whilst the person in question is sitting a mere two seats away.

8) Stopping the conversation abruptly  in order to read the TV guide out loud, in the same manner as if an interesting news story just broke

9) Days of our lives marathons !! (I must say I was quite surprised to find that after missing the last 2 years of the show, Stefano still seemed to be standing in the same hospital lobby explaining his involvement in the kidnapping of Sammy’s baby… I know the scenes can run forever but common!) *slight exaggeration I know, for any soap lovers out there…

10) At times seen as ‘gross’ by some, I find there is nothing cuter than seeing an old couple hug and kiss each other lovingly. Because in this day and age, one must be darn lucky to have someone they love even after 30+ years together.

To all the oldies out there, loving it, and you keep on doing what it is you’re doing!!

‘Tolerating the Intolerant’: We’re all in this together

Holey Moley, I did not think this through when starting to write this post. I just wanted to talk about how I don’t like the intolerance of some people, but then wouldn’t that make me intolerant of their intolerance? And If I condemn the strong opinions people post on the Internet, and I in turn post this online, I’d be doing the same thing, no? No wonder we’re all stressed out and at each other’s throats!

But here goes an attempt anyway…I can’t please everyone, but I sure as hell will try…. Before I go on, I just want to be extremely clear that this post is merely my personal opinion and in no shape or form am I trying to convince you otherwise or put down anyone who feels differently….

I can tell you right now that I know, and follow, very little on politics; feel all religions have the same goal; and I can easily be outwitted by anyone who has a better (and probably more realistic) view on what is going on in our world. I can’t, and am not trying to, win an argument.  And honestly, as much as narrow minded people annoy me something big time, I am also quite guilty of having been intolerant myself at some point, and won’t stand in line to receive my sainthood’s hallow anytime soon either.

I’ve always tried to see the good in people, which is accompanied by often having a quite naive view on certain things.  If I had lived in the 60s, I would have been supporting peace by placing flowers in soldiers’ guns and walking the streets hugging total strangers (or what I used to call a Saturday night out 😉

The recent (and not so recent) events, to name a few, like equal marriage rights, discrimination, multiculturalism, religion etc, seem to bring out quite the opinionated loudmouths. It isn’t necessarily their opinions that get to me though, but sometimes more the contempt and (for some) the pure hatred behind their words. A hatred, I feel, without much of a solid basis other than intolerance for something they just don’t understand.  I believe voicing your opinion is a basic right to have, however can still be done with certain boundaries in place and with a certain degree of respect…

I don’t really know where I’m going with this one (I don’t think any of us have a clear opinion that will settle all the world’s disputes) but I just want to share with you a little story:

All in the boiling pot

Simon, Jack and Mary all go to the same university and study Philosophy. On Monday they have a big exam coming up and need to spend the weekend studying.

Simon, who likes the outdoors, goes to the beach with his books and spends the weekend studying in the sun, taking the occasional dip in the ocean to cool off.

Jack, who prefers being inside, sits behind his desk and studies whilst listening to classical music on the radio, making the occasional snack to take a break.

Mary, who enjoys being social, gets together a group of fellow students and they sit in the library to study together, taking the occasional coffee break to refresh their minds.

On Monday morning, Simon, Jack and Mary make their way to the Philosophy building to take their test.  For good luck, Simon takes a quick nature walk to clear his mind, Jack brings along his lucky pencil and Mary wears her lucky underwear (I donno, cause that’s how Mary rolls).

I guess the point of this example is that it explains how I see religion, discrimination, multiculturalism etc…

We all study for it differently, we all approach it differently, but at the end of the day,

we’re all taking the same exam!

So smile at your neighbor (even though his church is not the same as yours), try to find another way to communicate when you don’t speak the same language (they might be taking night classes to learn), think before you paint your hate signs (you don’t have to accept an idea, but do you need to go out of your way to condemn those who do?) and just think… when that large meteor hits the Earth or the Rapture or the Zombie Apocalypse does arrive, we’re all going to have to tolerate each other to survive anyway, so we might as well get started now and be prepared…

pic (crazy-frankenstein.com)