To the Point Conflict Resolution

With our everyday social interactions and relationship building, comes conflict, there’s no way around it. But that doesn’t always mean it’s a bad thing. Conflict can make us step outside our own comfort zones, it encourages us to grow and develop further and sometimes it can even help us in setting healthy boundaries.

With that in mind, conflict can be handled poorly or conflict can be handled proactively. I often strive for the latter as the whole purpose of conflict is to find a way to make things better and come out of the other side.

Below are a number of dot points that essentially summarise conflict resolution in a nutshell. No words wasted, just the things you need to read. No dogma, take from it what you feel is useful, and make it your own.

Harsh truths to note first

• To get a result in life, you need to put in the effort
• Life has no place for pettiness. Learn how to communicate and aim to resolve problems, not create more
• Don’t give people so much power over you that their silent treatment leaves you questioning your worth
• Don’t want to be a doormat. Stop playing the victim and do something about it
• People who repeatedly use silence to control, punish, test boundaries, avoid accountability or even discussing unpleasant issues are who block conflict resolution. Whatever their methods, it’s far less effective than open, healthy communication.
• When two parties play the silent treatment, the winner is often the ones who cares to least. Don’t strive to be the winner…

How to Self-care when managing conflict

1. Manage your stress levels effectively to stay alert and calm.

Go play a sport, read a book, go for a walk, do something for you that calms you down.

2. Manage your emotions.

There is nothing wrong with feeling your emotions but make sure they don’t drown you. To stay logical and as focused as possible, we need to ensure our emotions don’t take us down an irrational path that will only create more stress and dig in deeper

3. Take a step back to keep perspective

This does not translate into the silent treatment (that, in my eyes, is pure manipulation). Just taking a short time-out to process, catch a breath, and come back calm and proactive; can prevent a sensitive situation from escalating.

4. Know your boundaries

You might not know what you want from a given situation, but more often than not, we know what we don’t want out of something or someone. Be clear on what your boundaries are, if it’s not out loud, at least for yourself.

 

Useful Techniques to manage conflict

1. Respect

No matter how angry you can get or how unreasonable you feel someone might be… respect is key. You can demonstrate anger and frustration and still remain respectful to one another.

2. Throw pettiness out the door

This goes hand in hand with respect. A conflict will not be resolved through insults or the silent treatment. Avoiding a conflict will most certainly not resolve it. Is it about winning or is it about finding a solution together?

3. Be clear and precise

It’s been my experience that 70% of conflicts (yes I just made that statistic up) results from a simple misunderstanding or bad communication. Being clear and to the point of what the actual issue and desired outcome is (without diverting onto other topics) often clears up a path much faster than going around in circles. It can be difficult to remain clear and keep perspective when your words are misquoted, exaggerated or emotional manipulation is being used. Just remember that you have the right to your opinion and to express it, just like you should allow others to express theirs.

4. Walk a mile in their shoes

It’s important to take on board everyone’s opinion and not just your own. If the person you have a conflict with feels a certain way, even if you feel it’s greatly exaggerated, acknowledge that you would feel the same way as they do now, if the situation as they see it was indeed true… because for them, at the moment… it is. This allows you to respect what they’re feeling and at the same time give clarity of what you feel the misunderstanding is about. Two truths are happening in a conflict, so find the common ground.

5. Don’t attack (even with words), take a non- violent approach

When you take on the approach that you’re not there to accuse, attack or insult; but rather to resolve, you’ll also show that you will not respond nor fight back when you yourself are attacked. This works well with people who try to manipulate or aggravate the situation. If you don’t feed the angry wolf, the peaceful one will eventually win.

6. Find a common goal and compromise

We can’t always get our way nor should we let people walk all over us either. Finding a middle ground for all parties involved is often the best solution (if this is an option of course). Clearly stating what the common goal would be and which boundaries each party would like respected is a targeted way to avoid the issue from coming up again.

Just Remember …

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional”

                                                                                                                                  – Max Lucado

The Psychology of Being Bitchy: Why are women meaner to each other than men and 5 Things we can do about it

Comedian Chris Rock once said “if women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other”.  And after having a giggle at the obvious joke, I realised it really wasn’t that far from the truth. I’m not saying that all women are mean to each other, or that all women hate other women and put each other down … but … (you see, there’s aaalways a but). Let me ask you a question: Have you ever had someone say something mean about you or put you down behind your back? – Yes? Lots of the times? – OK. Now let me ask you this: Have you ever said anything mean about a friend or put her down behind her back? – Exactly. How much of women’s underlying ‘bitchy-ness’ is a stereotype and how much of it rings kind of true?

We’ve all been on the receiving end of a mean girl and whether we’ve intended it to or not, we’ve all been ‘mean’ ourselves at some stage in our life. So if we know that generally women can be meaner to each other than men, and we know what it’s like to be put down by one of our own; then why on earth do we continue to act like this? If we know better, why aren’t we doing better?

As a psychologist, and a woman, the concept of ‘the girl code’, ‘mean girls’ and an obvious ‘relational aggression’ towards other women remains an interesting topic as we see it move well beyond the realms of high school into the workplace and adult relationships. As adolescents, the opinion of our peers starts to become very important and most of us would have been caught up, at least once, in a situation where we acted ‘mean’ towards another girl in order to feel accepted by others. Our reasoning could have varied from fear of not fitting in, not knowing any better or not knowing how to express our frustration with someone, and then again some of us were just plain bitchy in high school. That’s ok! As a teenager we have the right to be idiots where we hopefully don’t do too much damage and learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, some mean girls don’t always grow out of it though and continue similar behaviours as adults. The psychological warfare that’s called women-on-woman bullying is an art form in itself. It can be subtle, sneaky and passive, but oh so effective. The “bitchy-ness” can be used to dominate and control subordinates or colleagues in the workplace, and in a social context terms like “frenemies” are now thrown around loosely when talking about everyday female friendships. This feeling of being subconsciously ‘on guard’ around other women is normal for a lot of us, and it’s exhausting. When speaking with some of my fellow ladies (in order to get more information for this blog post) the story of a once close girlfriend now turned foe was a common theme, so I know I’m not alone here.

Why do we show relational aggression towards each other?

Relational aggression is a type of aggression that focuses on damaging someone’s relationship or social status. Some argue that the innate need to compete with each other falls back on evolution This theory suggests that women needed to protect their fertility from physical harm (aka keep a clean cave and have babies with the big, strong, caveman), so relational aggression ensured they lowered the supply of other women (aka the competition).  A second theory by feminist N. Shpancer indicated that women came to consider being prized by men as their ultimate source of strength and worth (aka keep a clean 2- bedroom and make babies with the big, smart, successful stockbroker) which compelled them to battle and belittle other women (aka the competition).

All the previous research seems to tell us that we were initially required to battle each other to ensure we had the best access to procreate, but of course these are no longer real concerns in modern day society. That’s where another theory by Emily v Gordon (author of “Super You”) comes to play. She proposes that “we are no longer competing with other women, but ultimately, with ourselves – with how we think and feel about ourselves”. She argues, “for many of us, we look at other women and see, instead, a version of ourselves that is better, prettier, smarter or something more. We don’t see the other woman at all.”

So again, I ask the question: If we know we do this (and we all do this to some extent- it’s in our genes, ya might say), and we know we no longer need to eliminate the competition for our own survival or the survival of the species, what can we do to lift each other up rather than turn on each other?

How can we manage and minimize the bitchy-ness?

1. Don’t let jealousy rule your behaviour

Despite our best efforts, the focus on our looks and body image is still regularly associated with our success as women. It has been there for a long time and I don’t think it will go away soon. Most women don’t necessarily invite this kind of attention voluntarily and often consciously try to avoid being influenced by it. Some even take it a step further and go out of their way to not let body image define their self-worth and success and challenge the standard idea of “beauty” all together. However, other people around us can make ‘looks’ a priority and often we correspondingly internalise it by default… it’s a knee jerk reaction. This is not to say that women can’t or shouldn’t take care of themselves or enjoy fashion… these things are still fun and playful (something this little tomboy has learnt to appreciate living in Paris) and these should be enjoyed by both women and men (and if you know Parisian men, you’ll agree that most of them take better care of their looks than some of their female counterparts 😉 But when the idea of ‘looks’ negatively impacts someone’s ability to get a job or to be taken seriously, we have a problem.

2. Change your Response

We can’t always control what people think of us, but what we can control is how we respond. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. How significant is this person in the context of your whole life? Can you change your response by simply not interacting with them when they display aggressive behaviour?  What boundaries can you implement to minimise your exposure to their negativity?

3. Be a Good Listener and show Empathy

Aside from the looks issue, miscommunication is often the second biggest reason why some women clash with others. Showing your willingness to listen, without interruption or criticism, could help process the situation and any possible underlying issues. Sometimes, when we feel overwhelmed, some of us resort to being a bit catty- so it could all well be smoothed over by offering a listening ear. If one of our own is indeed is just having a bad day, validating those emotions and demonstrating that you understand how they’re feeling could help defuse the situation.

4. Build up your Self-Esteem

We often externalise what we’re feeling on the inside and many ‘bitchy’ women merely act that way as a defence mechanism to their own low self-esteem or anxiety. It’s no excuse to be mean to others, but it does help to better understand where someone’s ‘bad behaviour’ might come from. We might not lash out at someone when we’re feeling insecure, but be honest, we’ve often pre-judged a better looking or smarter woman before getting to know her better. By building up our own self-esteem we can battle those snarky, inner demons that gossip and judge and we can focus on appreciating someone’s success and beauty individually and maybe even learn a thing or two.

5. Stand Up for Yourself

Practice being assertive and self-confident (if needed, fake it till you make it). You can defend yourself without having to resort to aggression. If you are in the workplace, calmly explain that you won’t tolerate this underlying form of bullying as it’s unprofessional and won’t lead to anything positive. In a social setting, this can prove to be more difficult, but again; show them your cards and what you will and will not tolerate. If the rebuttal is “relax, it was just a joke, you need to loosen up a little”, continue to stand your ground. You don’t need to dive into an hour long lecture, but now you’ve made your position clear… and joke or not… they know where you stand on the issue. Remember, ‘mean’ women count on you being passive about their behaviour and don’t expect you to stand up to it. It might take some time, depending on their determination, but if you show them that you won’t be an easy target, they will often back down and leave you alone.

Gossiping, name calling, excluding and belittling each other are only a few things that we should start eliminating; so that one day, we can indeed, run the world!

The “Tough Cookie Philosophy”: 10 Steps to proactively and positively tackling Life’s Hardships

I’m a big fan of the “Tough Cookie Philosophy”. Not only because I like cookies, but because it teaches us to tackle life’s hardships proactively. I’m also a firm believer that everyone has a certain level of “tough cookie-ness” in them already. It’s just a matter of unlocking our potential and enhancing what we’ve already got, not what we think is lacking…

A common way to describe someone as a tough cookie is to see them as unemotional and not easily hurt by what people say or do, however, I tend to disagree with such a definition. A tough cookie is very well aware of their emotions (something I’ll elaborate on later) and everyone gets hurt or impacted by others at some point … e-very-one. That’s what makes us human and it’s a strength, not a weakness, trust me!

My book on the Tough Cookie Philosophy © includes more self-evaluation, in-depth exercises, and examples.

Available on Amazon / Smashwords

So buckle up, you tough cookie, and go for the ride – you got this!

5 Way to Beat the upcoming ‘Winter Blues’

(picture: Cottage Life)

Living in one of the most beautiful cities in the world has its many perks. A wealth of galleries, museums, delicious food, beautiful walks and a melodic language under no matter what context. Seriously, have you ever been yelled at by someone in French? It’s simply poetic.

But all pros have their cons and one of the lesser points of Paris these days is the ‘rentrée effect’ where people have come back from their holidays, said goodbye to summer and are now waiting for winter (even though we’ve only just hit autumn). The response is quite amazing where, in just a short few weeks, I’ve seen commuters turn from lovable Hobbits into grumpy, old Orcs. Walk around Paris when the sun’s out and people are generally smiling, enjoying a terrace and you might even get a genuine ‘excuse me’ as someone brushes past you in the metro. Yes, that’s right, the stereotype of the grumpy, arrogant Parisian is only applicable in winter in my opinion. The rest of the year they’re just arrogant 😉 I joke, I joke, “On taquine que ceux que l’on aime”. (we tease the ones we love).

Every year I try to nip those winter blues in the bud and not follow suit in the march of the grumps, however this year has proven to be more challenging as I caught myself hunched over in the metro muttering nonsense and sighing loudly like everyone else. Mais, c’est pas possible! What’s happening?

I’m going to pull the Psychology card here and say it’s a form of ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’. SAD (I know) is a specifier with a ‘seasonal pattern’ for repeated, depressive episodes that occur at a specific time of the year and fully remits otherwise. In other words, people who usually have normal mental health throughout most of the year exhibit depressive symptoms at roughly the same time each year, most commonly in winter. This does not mean that every grumpy person out there in the cold is suffering from a diagnosed major mood disorder. This condition is a spectrum and there are a lot more people who have a lighter version of this disorder, called the ‘winter blues’. These individuals suffer from many of the same symptoms but they do not have clinical depression. It effects about one in three people where we feel generally unmotivated and flat during the cold and dark winter months.

There are of course ways to fight off these blues on our own and below I’ve compiled a few for those who might need it a bit more this year.

1. Recognise symptoms and your place on the spectrum  

First, it is important to establish if you’re just experiencing the ‘winter blues’ or suffering from full blown Seasonal Affective Disorder. Common signs of winter blues include: change in appetite or weight, trouble sleeping, feeling drained, and feeling generally anxious or down.

It is normal to have days where we don’t feel one hundred percent, but when the days appear to drag on for longer and you find it harder and harder to motivate yourself to do things you usually enjoy, it could be beneficial to see a doctor. This is especially important if your sleeping patterns have changed, you’re managing with alcohol or drugs and you’ve experienced thoughts of suicide. When the symptoms block you from living your normal life, it’s always worth seeing someone about it.

2. Self-care 

No matter what time of the year, self-care and wellness, should always be a priority.  Eating healthy and staying active boosts our mood and gives us more energy to focus on everyday stressors. This doesn’t mean we need to go and give up on our beloved winter raclette or fondue parties… just… you know, all good things come in moderation. Omega-3 fatty foods have also been praised for their health benefits, even in improving our mood (foods include salmon; flax seeds and walnuts). Walking 35 minutes a day has proven to help alleviate symptoms of mild to moderate depression. Taking a step back and allowing ourselves to delight in small pleasures can do wonders as well! So book that massage, have a cup of tea, go watch a movie, see some friends for a laugh or simply give yourself a break here and there to help you beat those dreadful winter blues.

3. Head outside for sunlight and fresh air

Go outdoors in natural daylight as much as possible, especially at midday and on brighter days. Sure, not the most motivating thing to do especially when you’re nice and toasty inside. But take that shower, brush your teeth and head outside even if it’s only to run a small errand, you’ll feel better for it. Inside your home, choose pale colours that reflect light from outside, trim back tree branches, open your curtains and sit near windows whenever you can. When your body is craving more daylight, 30 minutes a day of this can be almost as effective as antidepressants.

4. Keep Warm 

Being cold may make you feel more depressed so making sure you stay warm can help beat the winter blues. You can do so with hot drinks and hot food. Wear warm clothes and most importantly keep your feet warm. A great way to drag out those multi-coloured, winter toe-socks from your drawer – when else can you pull these off really! Keep your home between 18-21C (or 64-70F for my American friends). Having your home too hot is not a solution either so avoid the sauna jungle and just aim for nice and toasty.

5. A ‘coziness’ mindset 

Stop saying you hate winter (even if you do). Continually thinking about how much you dread winter only feeds the winter blues beast and makes it more likely you’ll feel sad as the season progresses. Our Norwegian neighbours have it figured out with a concept they call ‘koselig’ which is a state of being warm, kind and cozy. It defines something/someone/an ambiance that makes you feel a sense of warmth very deep inside in a way that all things should be: simple and comforting (definition by a froginthefjord.com).  So how can we make our lives more ‘koselig’? Turn off all main lights and use soft yellow lighting preferably emanating from a lamp. Light some candles (extra points for scented ones) or light a fire. As most of us in Paris might not have an actual fireplace, Netflix and Youtube have great 6-hour long videos of open fires… and it does the trick! Turn off the busy TV programs and put on some pleasant music, invite friends over for a nice dinner or a fun games night. Implement whatever you define as cozy, to change your mindset on winter.

I hope some of these will help you tackle the cold season ahead. Let us know in the comment which other tips have helped you beat the winter blues…

11 Random Rules to a Happier Life

I like to collect little snippets of good advice over the years and store them away for a rainy day. Be it something I once read somewhere, an actual quote or a nice little life lesson I got to learn myself… I thought I’d share with you my top ten for the moment and pay it forward.

————

1. Do more things that make you forget to check your  mobile phone

————

2. Stay away from negative people, they have a problems for every solution

————

3. Be a “what’s the problem so we can fix it” kind of person. Sulking doesn’t solve problems. Grow up and learn how to communicate

————

4. Appreciate every day things. Your life is not drinking cocktails on the beach. Those things happen once in a while. Those are exceptions. Your life is how you greet each other at the door when you come home every day, because that is 10 minutes a day. Your life is how you treat each other at the dinner table, because that is an hour every single day. You get those mundane and ‘boring’ things right, those things you do every day. If you concentrate on them and make them pristine, it’s like you have 80% of your life put together. These little things that are right in front of of us, they’re not little….. (inspired by a quote from Dr Jordan Peterson).

————

5. People having a uniformed opinion about something they don’t understand and proclaiming their opinion as being equally valid as facts is what is wrong with the world today. No one wants to do any research, they just want to be right.  Educate yourself, make up your own mind, and respect those who don’t agree with you, even if you don’t always understand them.

————

6. The first thing you should know about me is that I am not you. A lot more will make sense after that

————

7.  Happiness is a choice not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you but from you. A lot easier said than done, sure. This doesn’t mean we’re never allowed to be unhappy… of course we are… swim it in and experience it, just make sure you don’t drown in it.

————

8. Strength is forgiving someone who wasn’t sorry and accepting an apology you never received

————

9. There is a difference between letting kids be kids, and letting kids be assholes.

————

10. It’s okay to not have the same amount of time for friends as you did before. Adult friendships now are a cluster of cancelled plans and missed phone dates, followed by a really intense catch up with life changing events that you all get excited about and texting ‘I love you’ straight afterwards. Rinse and Repeat

————

11. It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice

7 ways to work through a broken heart

(* feature image cropped from a Juan Felipe Rubio: http://rubiobuitrago.com/)

I can honestly say that one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to endure is a broken heart. Sounds just a tad bit dramatic right? I know, but hear me out…  When losing loved ones, moving countries, going through surgery, etc., I could rationalise to a certain extent ‘why’ some of these things happened. It made working through them a little easier (now I didn’t say “easy”, I said “easierrrr”). It’s not a competition of which one hurts the most, but with a broken heart, I feel people are often left with a whole bunch of questions that are likely never to get answers… and it’s that inability for closure part that seems to be the kicker for most.

Without my fair share of the occasional crush-like heartaches and the agonizing experience of an actual ‘broken heart’ I probably wouldn’t have become the person I am today. Although my heart has long recovered since then, it’s not something you completely forget. My heart may no longer be broken, but I’d say it will always be just a little bit bruised, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I will never regret the ones I once loved; because, back in the day, they were exactly what I needed.

What is a broken heart?

A broken heart is more of a metaphor for intense emotional, and sometimes physical, stress or pain one feels at experiencing a great longing (thanks Wikipedia). It’s something we can find cross culturally, and although it can very well apply to the loss of a loved one, it’s more commonly references to the desire or loss of a lover. Some emotional pain can be so severe it even causes actual, physical damage to your heart known as ‘broken heart syndrome’ (what a way to make your ex feel guilty with that one, huh!).  A broken heart can present itself in many different ways from eating a tub of ice cream in front of the TV, calling your friends in tears for 2 weeks straight (okay, a month straight), beating the crap out of a boxing bag at the gym or drunk texting your ex at 3 am (which, I promise, is never a good idea).

But despite the heartache and going through a shitty time, I still very much agree with Tennyson’s famous “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all“. It might not feel like it at the time, but eventually you’ll get to a place where you can look back on your time together with fondness and, who knows, even remain friends. Others might prefer looking back with slight rage and never see the person again in their life which works too … whatever floats your boat really. The point is, there are ways to move passed it and continue your life with their part just no longer in it.

Below are a few trialled and tested ways, by myself and some friends, that have gotten us through dealing with our own, broken hearts.

1. Grab the pain by the horns

Dive into the deep-end and accept that you will have to go through a rough patch. If you loved someone enough to be heartbroken, it’s unrealistic to think you won’t suffer a little bit. Of course it is easier said than done to just stand there and take it. But that is exactly what we must do. You have to grieve in order to move on as it’s a natural part of the healing process. Any psychologist would tell you that you need to go through the issue and not around it. If you go around it, it will eventually rear its ugly head somewhere else. While grabbing the pain by the horn, eventually it will tire and loose its grip on you.

2. Talk it out

Going through a heartbreak doesn’t get the same acknowledgment as a death in the family for example. We don’t get time off work, and people give us sympathy as we all deal with the loss together. Some people tend to minimise a broken heart (especially if they ‘ve never experienced one themselves or they have forgotten what it’s like). It’s important to surround yourself with people who are understanding which can give you the support you need as well as distract you from the current situation.  Ask any of my closest friends, because they have been my shoulder to cry on for years. Having people accept the pain with me helped me better work through it; and having friends strong enough to give me the occasional mental slap-in-the-face helped me keep things in perspective when I got stuck in a dramatic cycle.

After on-and-offing it with someone close to me for years, without him wanting to fully commit, I came home in tears for the umpteenth time. My roommate, who had had a first row seat to it all, in the end – and quite firmly- said: “You know what Stef. It’s just not good enough”. That one little sentence flicked a sudden switch in my brain that showed me I obviously needed more than what this relationship was giving me. I thought I was in love, but perhaps I had grown more in love with the ‘idea of him’ over the years. Safe to say it’s what I finally needed to hear in order to start the process of walking away from that situation once and for all.

3. You’re responsible for your own happiness

Happiness is a choice and nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. It’s a powerful thing to have, your happiness, and we shouldn’t assign anyone else that much power over our life. It doesn’t come to you, it needs to come from you. Heck, some might need to ‘fake it before we make it’ to retrieve some of that happiness, but eventually it does come back to you….  if you let it.

4. Cry

As a psychologist and as a friend, I always encourage people to cry it out! My favourite metaphor is the ever-filling bucket of water we call ‘life’. We continually have things pour into our bucket and then stress-manage our way into maintaining a reasonable balance by letting some of the water out. Some days however, that bucket flows over, and we need to make some space. Crying literally does that for us!  Biochemist William Frey, who has spent 15 years as head of a research team studying tears, came to the conclusion that emotional tears (as compared to tears of irritation, like when you cut an onion) contain toxic biochemical byproducts. Crying removes these toxic substances and relieves emotional stress. So go grab a box of Kleenex and cry your little heart out! (I’m about to contradict myself with point 5 below, but listening to that ‘one song’ can help get the weeping process started. Just make sure you turn the song off once the tears flow.) A pitty party can be useful, just don’t let it overstay its welcome.

5. Change some of your habits

The main issue with being broken-hearted is that we seem to relive our misery over and over again. We listen to music that reminds us of our ex, we check out their social network account, or in some cases we still see them ‘intimately’ without the commitment (which really is just a way to hang on to them for as long as we can because we’re just not ready to let go). Regardless of how it happens, we end up being locked into a repeating dysfunctional pattern of behaviour. Without perhaps realising it, you have programmed yourself to feel a certain sense of grief every time you hear ‘that song’ or are confronted with a picture of them on Facebook.  Our pain has now become a mental habit, and this habit, must be broken. We need to try and find ways to break those mental connections by turning off the music that reminds us of them, staying off social media (or at least their account), and for Pete’s sake stop sleeping with them !! The changes you make don’t have to be permanent (well…. except for the sleeping together part), but their aim is to break up the old associations and give you a new environment for your new part in life. Even if it’s as minimal as moving around some furniture, changing your perfume or deleting their number, changing something now will already make a difference.
Getting away from the situation, be it temporary, can also help us regain some perspective and recharge our batteries. Not everyone can afford a lavish holiday away to get over a relationship, which is why a friend of mine rented a cheap little cabin in the woods for a few days and spent her time hiking in nature. “After a while I felt a little creeped out being out in the woods on my own, but at least it took my mind off the other things for a few days” she chuckles.

6. Exercise

This might sound like such a cliché on dealing with any kind of emotional distress, but thousands of health professionals and lifestyle blogs wouldn’t keep encouraging you to exercise if it didn’t significantly help with managing our emotions!

Elnaz remembers a past break-up left her feeling unable to control the situation, which turned her to exercise. She hired a trainer and took control of the one thing she could… her own body and her own motivation. “My trainer made me feel strong again and built up my self-worth” she states. “They showed me I could have control again in a time where it didn’t feel I did (and as a bonus I worked on a ‘revenge body’ where I turned out feeling and looking better than what I did before).”

Anna, on the other hand, turned to yoga. After a break-up she happened to find herself in a yoga class which helped her put things in perspective and acknowledge that her happiness was hers to maintain (as we covered earlier). “You focus on yourself and not the forces around you that you can’t control” she explains.

7. Feel some kindness towards your ex

This might not always be easy depending on how and why you ended your relationship, especially at first; but it’s not about keeping in touch with an ex or being best buddies. It’s about letting go of any anger and wishing them well in life. From where I stand, just because a relationship didn’t work out romantically doesn’t always mean it has to end completely. I was good friends before with my ex and although we may never be the best of buds again, I wasn’t prepared to delete our friendship entirely. Of course, I needed a chunk of time to pass by before I could truly feel good about being in contact with him again, but time, for us, did seem to heal most wounds. My situation might not work for everyone, and all this can be done in your own mind, you don’t need to call them to wish them happiness, but it can help bring balance and peace to our own inner consciousness.

And remember to love again…

Once our hearts are bruised and battered from a relationship that ended, we have two options: we can close off pieces of our heart so that no one will be able to get back inside. Or we can love again. Deeply, just as intensely as we did before. Henri Nouwen urges to love again because he believes the more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper.

It sure as shit doesn’t feel like it at the time, but the pain of rejection/absence can, in fact, become constructive, you just need to be open to taking that risk again…

The Tired Parent’s Guide to Getting Your ‘Spark’ Back

Do you sometimes feel swallowed up by the role of being a parent? Can it, on a bad day, feel like you’ve become a shadow of your former self? Do you sometimes struggle to find the motivation to snap out of it and rather throw yourself an internal ‘pitty party’ because the ‘spark’ you once had has fizzled out a little bit? Well, YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

But here’s the good news- It won’t last, there are ofcourse many positives, it gets better and we can manage things in the meantime in order to move out of this funk…

This is not only dedicated to mothers, but to fathers alike. Raising a child is a team effort and often I feel the dads are left out as a result of the (still very present) stigma that moms do all the work. However, until I can successfully grow my own penis, I don’t see myself accurately writing from a male’s perspective, so today’s post is just me …

I love being a mom (98% of the time) and I love those little monkeys more than I love myself. But like a lot of us, I sometimes still deal with the transition from who I was before to who I am becoming today. So I did a little soul-searching, research, talked to other parents and well… Googled.

As they say “Those who don’t do, teach.” so I’ve summarized for you the things I’ve put into motion myself to try and work through my temporary ‘sad pitty bubble’ in the hopes it might help other moms or dads along the way.

1. Self-Assessment: Who were you then and Who are you now. 

It’s important to look at who we were before and who we are now. As our priorities and interests change constantly, it can be useful to occasionally self-evaluate and list the aspects we liked and disliked about our former selves and who we are today. Have we outgrown some of them and/or developed and mastered others?  In other words, do we truly miss certain aspects of our former selves/lives or are we just feeling nostalgic?

a) What things do you miss about your former self/life?

b) Given a choice, would you want them all back?

c) Which ones could you live without today?

d) What new things have you acquired or mastered further since becoming a parent?

Even before I was a mother, I was someone who made to-do lists in her head and liked an organised life. Fast forward to a husband, two children, full time work and a household later and my mind continues to tick off and add items to my imaginary list. Being a parent has only made me better at it and it’s a skill I feel I’m mastering (well… most of the time :p

One thing I do feel I’ve lost a bit, and have struggled to get back, is my ‘spark’. You know the spark that can turn you into the life of the party, have you laughing until your belly hurts or simply the spark that shows you’re there for the people around you. I did the self-assessment to find how I lost it and the answer was quite simple … fatigue. My spark was replaces by not being as engaged in a conversation where my mind is tired and distracted. Fatigue is ofcourse nothing new, all parents live it, so it’s something to work on if I want to ‘sparkle’ again (ugh, could I sound any blonder?)

2. Rock the Spice Girls and ‘Tell me What You Want, What You Really Really Want’

Now that you’ve established what you miss or the things you simply want to let go; sit down with yourself and look at every area of your life and think about what your ideal would look like. What sort of life do you want to create for yourself? What makes you happy?

a) What is it that you want in your parenting experience?

b) What do you want to put in, and get out of, your relationships?

c) What sort of relationship do you want with your children, family, etc?

d) What does your ideal work/life balance look like?

Make sure you’re specific in your answers. Saying “I want a loving relationship” is not enough, rather define what you consider to be “loving”, does it mean romantic gestures, trust, trips away, physical contact… The more specific we are in our goals, the better able we are to tell if we’ve achieved them.

Knowing what you want helps you set the general direction you need to move towards and find the information in order to get there.

3. Learn the Skills to Get There

One of my favorite go-to sayings is “Sometimes losing our way is the best way to finding it”. Struggles in life don’t necessarily mean failures. They just mean we have lost our direction and haven’t learnt the skills required to get there yet (although in the moment it doesn’t always feel that way).

The skills we require differ for everyone and depend on our individual needs, goals and limitations. But seeing as our little funk of being an overwhelmed parent is the common denominator here, below are some tidbits that might just get us out of it sooner rather than later.

• It’s ok to not be on the ball every second of every day

As long as your kids have been fed, are dressed and feel loved you’re pretty much kicking butt at being a parent. Your house will get messy again within 4 minutes of cleaning it; sometimes you’ll lose your patience and yell at your kids, and not all the food you give them is homemade or fresh… “Loosen the reigns a little” (advice I need to give myself on a daily basis).

• Don’t beat yourself up for wanting some time away from the little ones

My favorite time of day is going to bed and checking in on my little (unconscious) offspring as they sleep peacefully in their own beds. Needing some alone time does not make us a bad parent. If anything, taking time to recharge my batteries only makes me a better one.

• This too shall pass

While it’s okay to wallow and have a good ol’ vent it’s important to remember that this is not forever. They will sleep better, they will let you pee on your own eventually and you’ll be able to have conversations about things other than Paw Patrol and My Little Pony.

• Communicate your needs

Many of the frustrations my husband and I have had were the result of one or both of us feeling resentful over unmet expectations. We quickly realized we had to talk about what exactly our expectations were in the first place before we could support each other and be part of a well-built team. Everyone has their own needs, but being open about them can alleviate some of the stress and let go of some of the sullenness that may have built up.

• It takes a village …

Sometimes we feel like the weight of the world is on our shoulders and that we’re in this alone. We become precious about our daily tasks and can turn into ‘control freaks’ who don’t ask for help even when we might very well need it. It does take a village to raise children, so don’t be afraid to accept help when it is offered and ask for it when it’s not.

• Have a good laugh

Sometimes having a good laugh is all we need. Parenting can be ridiculous at times and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that.

• Look for the silver linings

My daughter kicked my ass the other day with constant disagreements, calling me names and just.not.listening!! I was about to pour myself a huge glass of wine as their bedtime approached when suddenly she offered to brush my hair (something she had never done before). Those last 30 minutes before bed deleted the entire crappy day that had preceded it. Focus on those good times and let the bad ones wash away.

 

**The above tips should help you regain some balance, fight that funk and get back on track. But if you suspect you’re clinically depressed, I encourage you to see a professional as soon as possible to get the treatment best for you.

 

The Psychology behind New Year’s Resolutions and Changing our Habits

Why do people make New Year resolutions

Often New Year’s Eve is seen as the party to sign off on the past and the 1st of January (after a possible hangover for some) signifies the clean slate. We’re ready to launch our new, better selves into the new year and dive into the new year resolutions we so energetically set up for ourselves a few weeks ago. So why do so many of us fail in the first few months leaving us feeling discouraged and ready to postpone those resolutions to a later date?

Dr Anding from the Baylore College of Medicine says, “January 1st signifies a new beginning. However, each day allows for a new beginning, and hence it is a reset”. The concept of having a start date (Jan 1st) tricks our brain into thinking there might also be an end date as well, whereas a reset allows for us to develop better habits over a period of time (with trials and errors along the way). If we ‘fail’ in our reset, we just boot things back up again the next day.

The question isn’t to not make any resolutions, but why wait until New Years? Start tomorrow, even better, start today! If you’re feeling particularly motivated to implement a resolution in the new year, why not continue to ride that motivational wave? There will always be a ‘but’, an excuse to start later, so why not start now ?!

The psychology of habits

“Within the field of psychology, habits refer to behaviors that are provoked somewhat automatically in response to cues embedded in the environment “(Clayton R Cook, PhD). Some examples of such habits are washing hands (behavior) after using the toilet (environmental cue), or putting on exercise clothes (behavior) quickly after turning off your alarm clock and getting out of bed (environmental cue). Habits form out of repetition, and while we try to introduce new behaviours (eg: being more active) we tend to not repeat them enough to form a habit
Our habits and behavioural changes have been widely studied over the years and more and more studies have resulted in a vast knowledge base on the impacts that can effectively change our behaviours.
We need cues in our environment to trigger the desired new behaviour. In order to achieve this we need to first become aware of our behaviour and what triggers it. Once we are aware of the behaviour we are trying to change, it is up to us to embed new cues that pose as an alternative to our previous triggers.
For example, if you’re trying to stop snacking between meals:

1) identify for yourself when you’re more likely to open that fridge.

2) If you’re more likely to snack later at night, stick a post-it on the door telling yourself to have a drink of water or tea first.

3) By setting up more and more of these alternative cues and triggers, you’re slowly developing a different behaviour aka the new habit you’re trying to form.

Small, incremental lifestyle changes may not feel like the ‘new you’ ready to launch into the next year, but they have a much greater chance of creating real change. Moderating your resolutions could be the difference between giving up in March and creating a lasting lifestyle change.
When resolutions become too ambitious, we struggle to change our habits, become discouraged when we fail and ultimately give up altogether. So instead of making tough-love resolutions with no room for error this year, increase your chances for long-term success by approaching your goals as a reset and taking each day at a time with trial and error of what does and doesn’t work for you. Did you end up snacking late last night? No problem, re-evaluate why your new cue didn’t work and try a different approach.

What steps can I take to stick to my New Year resolutions if I do make them?

Be realistic
Perfection is unattainable. You won’t loose 5 kilos, quit smoking, be a nicer person or go to the gym every day, by the first week of January (and if you do, you’re 80% more likely to gain those kilos back, have a smoke and yell at a stranger a few short weeks later). Be realistic in the goals you set for yourself… rather than setting a number on the amount of weight you want loose, focus on the behaviours that promote healthy weightloss instead and work from there.

What is attainable for you? If you want to go to the gym every day but you know you get busy at work, set yourself a more realistic goal first (eg: twice a week) and build your way up to that full week from there. Building up from 2 days of fitness to 4, is a lot more motivational than cutting down from 7.

Change one behaviour at a time
This doesn’t mean you can’t focus on different behaviours at the same time. Trying to be more active usually goes hand in hand with eating healthier and exercising more etc. But rather than perfecting all those behavioural changes in one take, focus on the one that you prioritized. Let the other relapses slide by for now, as you’ll get to them once you’ve strengthened your first new behavioural pattern.

Allow for Relapse 

As mentioned before, if you strive for perfection from the get-go, you’re only setting yourself up to fail. We learn from our mistakes and relapses help us to identify our triggers that cause us to ‘mess up’ in the first place and encourage us to develop our new (and improved) behavioural cues that will result into our new habit after enough repetition.
Encouraging ourselves to do better and to learn through trial and error (almost the same way we would when dealing with a child) is far more effective than self criticism and self loathing. Telling yourself ‘what didn’t work for me there, and how I can avoid it next time’ will help you more at establishing a new habit than say ‘you idiot, why did you have that brownie, now the plan is ruined’.

Accountability (tell someone) 
Often telling someone else about our plans will give us a certain sense of culpability that we need to achieve our goals not only for us but for them as well. On the other hand, some of us just want to save face and not be seen as a quitter to others. Whatever works for you, the idea is that you are not alone in this mission .
Seek Support 

The above point brings us to not only telling people about your plans, but to seek support in how you’ll work to achieve it. Perhaps someone has gone through a similar process and might have some useful tips to share. Some of our triggers might be more noticeable to others and hence easier to identify if we speak with them about it….and sometimes you just need someone to vent to when the urge to eat junk, have a cigarette, spend money or any other ‘bad’ habits you’re trying to improve, rear their ugly heads.
Know your obstacles

Just as much as knowing your limits in setting realistic goals, be mindful of the obstacles that often get in the way of our wish to change certain habits. ‘Limits’ talk about things we cannot always control (eg: we might want to spend every day in the gym but only have the time or money to go twice a week; we might want to have the body of a super model but are built like an opera singer instead, …) limits make us work with what we’ve got. Obstacles, on the other hand, are things we can often manage and work on (eg: I eat when I’m bored, I smoke when I’m stressed, I spend money when I’m sad). These are things we can manage and learn to control by finding cues and alternatives to each obstacle as they pop up along the way (eg: drink some water when bored, go for a walk when stressed and call a friend when sad)
Habits are not changed overnight, like much else in life, practice and repetition makes perfect! Good luck to you all, if you already have some resolutions in mind, why not start today and walk into the new year already on your way to new and improved habits 🙂

7 Ways to Teach our Kids Resilience

We can’t change the fact that our children will face certain challenges in life, and we also can’t protect them from every little bump they’ll experience along the way (even though we might want to). With our increased sense of wanting to protect our young ones from life’s growing stressors, we are also seeing a spike in children who develop mental health issues such as generalized anxiety and depression.

(NOTE: This does not include the concerning rate of children being misdiagnosed at the first sign of ‘abnormal behavior’.. which, if you ask me, is a problem i itself and could use it’s own blog post …but later). I’m referring to how we are starting to see more and more children significantly struggling to cope when life doesn’t go their way.

Just like adults, children need an outlet to vent any frustration, anger or sadness (which often comes in the form of a lovely tantrum…. usually in the middle of a busy supermarket 😉  Of course, these are just part of the joys of parenthood, and take on various forms well into adolescence.  There’s nothing to worry about when your child ‘cracks it’ once in a while. But when significant reactions  immediately impact their lives, such as generalized anxiety, panic attacks, severe low self esteem, unrealistic expectations and in some cases even self-harming, it becomes hard to ignore.

Of course, as parents, we don’t want to create these ‘special snowflakes’ that feel like the world owes them and can’t handle negative feedback or hurdles that stand in their way. However, with the increasing urge to micro-manage children’s lives and to ‘protect’ them from common life challenges such as conflict, loss, rejection, failure and change; some parents unintentionally engineer such an outcome according to US clinical psychologist Wendy Mogel. 

She suggests that some parents coddle their children too much, which prevents them from learning from these experiences. “They need to learn from a shallow best friend, an uninspired teacher, or a bad situation. They need to learn these things without us interfering” (Mogel).

Kicking a young child out of the nest and letting them fend for themselves is not necessary, however, helping them build resilience will aid them in managing difficult situations later in life. Resilience is something they can learn and grow from as they develop a certain set of skills that help them tackle the ups and downs in life.

So instead of overprotecting them, or leaving them to fight their own battles, how do we find a balanced way to teach resiliency skills? Below are some suggestions taken from various research articles that have proven to be quite effective.

1. Let them struggle

While your help is much appreciated, it is equally important to let children feel frustrated, so they will attempt to find different solutions to the problem. This can range from your 4 year old’s irritation at her Lego blocks ,because she can’t find the piece that fits: to the university student who can’t handle living on their own because they’ve never had to manage any roadblocks in life before. Let your child find their own way to manage a difficult situation (even if you have the answer ready for them) and be there as their guide rather than doing the job for them. My mother once said ‘sometimes you need to watch your child fall down and scrape their knee so they learn to be more careful next time, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be there to help you back up again’ which really stuck by me.

2. Challenge Negativity 

I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that most of us, during our teens, have used the expression ‘this is ruining my life’ at least once. Children (and teenagers in particular) tend to amplify certain setbacks they experience, as they don’t fully understand yet what is happening to them or how to deal with it. Setbacks that might appear minor to us (such as a fight with a friend or missing out on joining a team) might feel like it’s the end of the world as they know it. It’s important not to feed into that and join the drama party, nor can we minimize or push aside what they are experiencing. Ask your child if this one event needs to effect the rest of their day/week/month. Problem solving starts with going through the options, help them take a step back and put things in perspective. Allow them to experience and feel the negativity whilst averting them from being completely swallowed up by it.

3. Take on the ‘big family mindset’ 

Today, the average family consists of one or two children and it’s affecting our parenting style, says columnist Julie Beun. In larger families, parents tend to be more of a facilitator than a micro-manager. The children get more of a chance to be independent problem solvers as they help raise their siblings, get themselves dressed in the morning and eat breakfast. In smaller families, the parents tend to ‘take care of everything’, and although this may make things run smoother, it doesn’t always work in our favor. We need to learn how to take a step back and let our children figure it out (no matter how frustrating it may be waiting around for them to zip up their jacket or put the shoe on the right foot… our time constraints should not get in the way of our child learning how to take care of the little things).

4. When at first they don’t succeed, get back up again 

Like the age old adult expression “sh*it happens” it’s ok to tell our children that mistakes happen (perhaps substitute the word “sh*t” for the time being though 😉  Hall says, we need to tell them it’s ok to make mistakes because it gives us a chance to learn from them. Together with our children, we can ask them what we learnt from our mistakes and how we would do things differently. With smaller children, an in-depth analytical approach might be a bit too much, but a simple “oops, I made a mistake, I will do this to fix it’ could work just fine in showing them how to cope with mistakes and set backs.

5. Confidence in their Competence 

A child’s confidence stems from their competence, and their competences are excelled by their confidence. Focusing on your child’s qualities as well as recognizing their mistakes and how they handled them are a great first step. Comparing them to others (siblings, peers, etc) might create unnecessary competition, rather than showing that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes, the desire to protect our children might give them the (unintended) impression that we don’t think they have what it takes to tackle an issue head on, hence trying to empower them to make decisions of their own lets us be there as their guide rather than their carer. In saying that, it’s also important to not push our children to take on things they can’t realistically handle just yet.

6. Being part of a community 

Being resilient is also about knowing and understanding our place in the bigger scheme of things, and that not everything is always handed to us on a silver platter. Having our children do small chores can be a great example of developing this sense of being part of something bigger, being part of a team (and also shows that we often have to work to get things done). Children first learn their contribution counts by doing household chores (young children could feed the dog or put things in the trash , whereas older children can help clean a room or do laundry). It can help them with their problem solving and self regulation says Hall.

7. Teach them how to calm themselves 

When children get upset (especially younger children) it’s easy for a small upset to turn into a full blown epic tantrum. That’s because they don’t know how else to express their anger/sadness/frustration just yet. Reasoning with an upset, young child might not be as easy as trying to reason with an adult. Rather, teach them easy and realistic ways to calm themselves down first, before taking a closer look at what upset them. One of the more popular ways to calm ourselves down (in both children and adults alike) is taking a few deep breaths, breathing into our nose and out of our mouth. This can be easily taught to a small child and done together if they need you there to guide them. Another way to try and help a child bring themselves down from an upset is to count to twenty (or however high they can count) allowing them to shift focus to the task at hand instead of the stressor that upset them in the first place (they essentially break the cycle and engage their brain). Once they have managed to calm themselves down, they have now acquired a new skill that will also help them to reflect instead of react.

8. Discipline is about Teaching, not Controlling or Punishing

Sometimes, when I say we ‘discipline’ our children, people tend to jump to the conclusion that discipline means to control or punish them. I strongly disagree with that stereotype, as disciplining needs to be seen as teaching a child (which can be done without control or punishment). Using discipline to help your child understand that their actions result in certain consequences, could help them understand that they also have the ability to bounce back from a setback.

Dr. Ginsburg summarizes what we know for sure about the development in resilience in children, which is that our children need to know that there is an adult in their life (mother, father, stepparent, grandparent, you name it) who believes in them and loves them unconditionally.

Stress is a part of life, and an important tool in our survival. Resilience is the set of skills that develops a positive and proactive attitude towards stress, and helps us deal with stress, which greatly impact how it affects us. We can grow and encourage  resilience in our children by participating in their self development, role modeling resiliency and most importantly supporting them unconditionally. Being there for them, no matter what, gives them a solid foundation they can bounce back on when their worlds feels like it’s falling apart. Eventually, they will learn that they can create and grow such a foundation for themselves

Positive Psychology: 9 Habits of Happy People

Often, when writing psychology related articles, my topics tend to focus on understanding problem areas, dealing with struggles and how to cope with challenges. The stigma around ‘having a problem’, as being the main reason why someone would need to see a mental health professional, is still very present. However, the study of Positive Psychology (or as some are calling it ‘the science of happiness’) is growing and people are focusing more and more on the strengths that lie beneath and how to access these even before any ‘problems’ arise.

There are literally thousands of books and websites claiming they have the solution on how to live a happy life. I’m sure most, if not all, of them are right in their own way. Happiness is different for everyone and changes significantly throughout our lives as our own priorities change along with it (what made you happy as an adolescent might not do it anymore for you as an adult).

Our personality traits, interest etc also determine our individual definitions of happiness. While one person gets great joy from being surrounded by a large number of friends, another person might prefer to hide in a quiet room and curl up with a book.

I won’t be writing anything that hasn’t been written a million times before, but I thought I would summarise for you the 10 habits I’ve witnessed to be most effective on people’s happiness:

1. Be Kind, Always 

People who cultivate kindness tend to me happier and show less signs of depression. Being kind to others and caring for others, tends to make us feel good ourselves (like they say, there are no selfless good deeds). So not only do you better someone else’s life, but you’re also improving your own in the process.

Being kind, doesn’t mean we need to always go overboard and ‘save’ everyone that crosses our path.. Kindness can be shown in the simplest of forms by acknowledging someone with a smile, wishing someone a good day or reaching out to someone who might need your help (however big or small that help is).  It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.

2. Recognise your Strengths and Work with your Weaknesses 

Studies (such as M. Seligman’s research in Positive Psychology) have shown that people who discovered their unique strengths and used them for more than their own personal goals, are generally happier.

I would say this also goes hand in hand with recognising your own weaknesses and working with them, rather than letting them hold you back.

Strengths include, but are certainly not limited to, things such as integrity, critical thinking, humanity, motivation, determination, kindness, open-mindedness and many more.

Weaknesses such as people-pleasing, self criticism, prejudice, discrimination etc should be acknowledged (after all, none of us are prefect), but we can work around or with them in our path to improving ourselves and how we are with others.

3. Mindfulness and Positive Thinking

As a psychologist, the word ‘mindfulness’ and positive thinking, often had some of my patients roll their eyes as they sat back and expected the caricature speech on yoga positions, relaxation exercises and group therapy (even though they’ve all been proven highly effective, but that’s not my point 😉

Mindfulness is focusing on the here and now, and what is around us. It’s being aware of our situation, our feelings around it and the effects they may be causing. Practising mindfulness does not require you to be incredibly spiritual or religious, and it can be done by anyone as it is something we naturally do. However, practising it on a regular basis, allows us to strengthen it as it can help us improve our state of mind.

Positive thinking, in conjunction with being mindful, focuses on our appreciation of the good things we experience and have in life and allows us to better manage the negative flows that often cross our way.

Practising mindfulness does not necessarily require you to be in the seated position surrounded by only quietness. We can be mindful whilst doing every day activities. Pay attention to your breathing, get in touch with your feelings, or get lost in the flow of doing everyday simple activities you enjoy (for me personally, cleaning gets me very relaxed, as I can just ‘switch off’ and focus only on the task at hand) .

4. Laugh 

Laughing truly is the best medicine. Laughing (like exercising) triggers the release of endorphins, which are our body’s feel good chemicals, as well as decreases stress levels and increase our immune cells.

Not only do we see physical benefits form laughter, but it also takes a load of our mental burdens and strengthens our emotional health.

It’s not always easy to find situations in which we can spontaneously burst out in fits of laughter (although the concept of ‘laugh yoga’ is increasingly becoming more popular), but we can find ways to at least spark a grin here and there. Smiling is a good start.. a smile is contagious and can go a long way not just for you but for others as well.

Spend your time with playful people and appreciate the humour in life. It’s important to remember the funny side of things and to appreciate the laughter when it happens.

5. Live healthy and Move 

I could write an entire article alone in this, as everyone has their own definition of what ‘eating healthy’ and ‘exercise’ means.

To put it simply, eating healthy involves eating fresh food, avoiding processed meals, junk food and unhealthy fat/sugar levels. How you want to go about that and to what extreme is your choice. Basically, feed your body what it needs rather than what it wants (ok… from time to time also eat what it wants, because eating a treat often contributes greatly to our happiness as well 😉

Exercise does not mean spending your life in the gym (although if that makes you happy then absolutely go for it!). With exercise here, in order to promote happiness, I mean moving your body every day to get your endorphins going. This can be as simple as a 30 minute walk, taking the stairs instead of an elevator or walking that extra block to avoid taking the bus.

6. Nurture Positive Relationships  

Humans are social animals. Surrounding ourselves with people we care about often has an immediate impact on our levels of happiness. Again, this differs for many people as some are perfectly happy with one or two people close to them whereas others thrive from interacting within a large group.

The number of people in your life isn’t the important aspect here, but rather the effort you put into your relationships that matters.

Social relationships come and go and even the closest of friendships can dissolve in time. Having social relationships takes effort from all parties involved and should not be taken for granted. The focus should not be on ‘how often’ you see someone, but on ‘how meaningful’ it is when you do. Happy people tend to surround themselves with people who make them feel good instead of negative people (misery loves company). Happy people also nurture their relationships by talking about the things that matter and resolving any issues that might come up.

7. Be Inspired to Grow 

There are two different mindsets… People who are ‘fixed in their ways’ and who refuse the notion that they can change because they feel that this is who they are. When confronted with something they don’t know, people with such a mindset might find themselves feeling overwhelmed or hopeless about something they feel they can’t handle. When people show a more open-minded approach, it encourages them to learn from and improve their footprint in the world. Open-minded people don’t shy away from a challenge, which in turn builds the tools we need to manage difficulties in life or make necessary adjustments. Challenges are viewed as opportunities, and succeeding in them leaves us feeling happier with ourselves.

8. Find a Balance 

Being happy doesn’t mean we constantly need to walk around with a smile, making us feel as if we slept with a hanger in our mouth. There is nothing wrong with allowing ourselves to feel the bad things, and to complain as we work through them. Life is not  all rainbows and sunshine and we can often find ourselves in a downright sh*t storm. But even a thunder storm helps the tree get rid of dead branches (how’s that for positive visualisation! ha!)

Let yourself feel the negativity, we can’t live without it, but try to find ways not to let yourself drown in it.

For example, after a negative experience, focusing on what you have learnt from it or how you can improve/avoid it in the future, might help in processing it and moving on.

9. Make an Effort  

Happiness that lasts is built through habits. It’s easy to get sucked in by the daily routines and struggles that sometimes impede on our happiness. It’s also hard to sometimes not let go of the negatives and overthink where we went wrong. We can’t sit around and do nothing expecting happiness to fall in our laps, nor can be expect happiness to stay if we don’t actively do things to maintain it. This should not be seen as ‘work’, but rather as seeing that the mere actions of these habits is what makes us feel happy in the first place. This doesn’t mean we can’t allow ourselves to feel the negatives, it just means that, on some days, we might need to push harder to focus on the positives.

If you want to be happier, or want to continue to strengthen your happiness, try out some of the above habits!

Remember, the definition of happiness is different for all of us, so don’t compare yourself with others, but focus on what is important to you in order to increase your everyday ‘happy’ and dive in, head first …