Why you should still make an effort even when you can’t be bothered

I was having one of those days…. well…. one of those weeks really… heck, make it a month!

Recent transitional changes in our lives resulted in my husband and I feeling somewhat depleted the last few weeks. Work has been very busy for both of us, we’ve had to arrange a few new things around childcare and our daughters have been well…. ‘challenging’ would be the politically correct word (‘little, bitchy dictators’ are the actual words that come to mind though).

Naturally, life comes with its ups and downs, and often I feel guilty for even puffing up about, what I feel are, first world problems. I’m transitioning into a new job and haven’t felt very motivated to excel at my current one for the final weeks, I’ve let fatigue get the better of me and my patience with the children , and my husband and I have settled for Netflix and dinner on the couch as quality time for now. I was feeling a bit ‘blah’ and not very driven to put in much of the effort. I wanted people to just leave me alone and go and hide in a corner until the storm blew over…. Until I attended a particularly bad Zumba class (I told ya, first world problems!).

In an attempt to pick myself up from this temporary slump, I booked a fun workout to get my ass kicked. I was excited until a very unimpressed instructor walked in and whispered to me “ugh I’m so hungover today, I can’t even“. Although I was flattered she felt she could open up to me (a random stranger), I can’t say it did much to pump me up though. During the lesson we moved around a bit, much like an uncomfortable uncle forced to dance the salsa at a wedding, up-beat songs were skipped because ‘she’d had enough of them‘ and the class finished 10 mins early. But rather than feeling frustrated about it and complaining to the manager, it woke me up again. I remembered that we can all have shit days (and we’re absolutely allowed to), but how we react to them can affect the world around us, and some things could inadvertently come and bite us in the ass again.

I realized I was acting like a grumpy, hungover Zumba teacher to everyone around me, so I needed to stop throwing myself a pitty party and start making the effort again.

I’m not encouraging anyone to suck it all up- it’s important to allow ourselves a bad day- but I thought to note down some of the reasons why we should still put in the effort (however big or small) for ourselves and those around us, even when we cant be bothered.

• Effort makes us take responsibility

As a professional educator/coach, I’m constantly encouraging people to develop themselves further and focus on how no results are achieved without putting in the necessary effort. I know they say “those who don’t do… teach..”, but I had to not take that too literally and put my money where my mouth is, if I wanted to keep my credibility. I need to take ownership of what I’m doing and understand that things will not change for the better, if I don’t put in the effort. Taking ownership of what is happening in our life, and focusing on the things we can and cannot change, assists us in identifying where our effort is needed the most.

• Comparing doesn’t encourage effort

There is always someone doing better and someone doing worse than you. always. Just because the colleague down the hall doesn’t go the extra mile, doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to slack off. Jealousy over someone’s success is a moot point because they probably got there through a lot of hard work. Use their success as motivation for you to strive further, rather than viewing it as a reason why you haven’t lived up to your potential. Make up your own mind about what effort you need to put in for your goals… your objectives. your effort.

• Effort teaches you to be practical

Understanding something in life focuses on the ‘why’ and ‘what’ of situations. Effort is needed, however, to achieve the ‘what’ and actually doing something about it. Not only do we get a certain sense of accomplishment after putting in the effort,  but it teaches us to develop the tools we need to continuous developing ourselves further. It’s like a drug… once you feel that high of achieving something through hard work, you want to do it again (except this drug doesn’t make your loose any teeth and doesn’t cost a cent).

• Effort can result in more effort

Just because we can’t be bothered, doesn’t always mean its because we are lazy. Sometimes we don’t feel the motivation because life is simply ‘too much’ at the time. We’re in a hole and find it hard to climb our way out …  It’s important to self-care and give yourself time to take a step back and refocus to find a way out of that hole…. all if which needs… ding ding ding… you guessed it…. effort. Sometimes we need to make the effort to ‘relax’ in order for us to recharge our batteries to find the effort to do more after.

• Effort requires a global mindset

Everything we do is effort (to some degree). The things in life worth doing take effort, and it’s that effort that leads to results in the end. Remove all effort and we do nothing (literally). So rather than seeing effort as a huge motivational tool that can only produce extraordinary results, view effort as something we do on a daily basis and something that doesn’t always require an intense build-up.  Waking up in the morning takes effort (more for some than others), getting dressed and going to work is the same. Basic tasks like eating, walking and sleeping all take effort. Seeing it as a constant and something we can develop further, makes a sometimes uphill battle seem less daunting. Without effort, life can get pretty dull.

So however small it may be, when you’re having a bad day, don’t stop making the effort.

 

 

 

Book Review: “Arise and Shine” by Frank C. Saliki

Before I dive into my first book review post, let me tell you about the book’s author, Frank Saliki.

When this little blogger (yours truly) decided to start making work of publishing her first book, she was a little lost on where to even begin. Whilst seeking out peers and other published authors, Frank and I stumbled upon each other in a writer’s group online. He happily took me under his wing and shared some of his publishing experiences with me, without even a second thought. He liked what I had to say about my project, and rather than viewing me as a potential competition in the same niche, he gave me real hands-on advice that started my journey to publishing the Tough Cookie Philosophy.

I immediately felt a sense of trust (which is not something easily encountered these days) but I wanted to make sure he didn’t just talk the talk, but also walked the walk….

I bought his book “Arise and Shine” and set out to explore a bit more about this helpful, yet totally random guy, I had just encountered.

“Arise and Shine” is Frank’s own story chronicling his journey from a failing High School Student to a successful University Graduate. Rather than victimizing himself when writing about his struggles at school, his story focuses on how some of these low points were the drivers that got him motivated to start turning his life around. Frank doesn’t come up with any magical solutions or vague advice on how he grabbed life by the horns, but rather, he describes the process he went through in turning negatives into positives; every day at a time.

Along with some well known quotes (because who doesn’t love a good quote to get us motivated) and original examples through storytelling and experiences, Frank explains to his readers how he himself applied these to his own life, and shows us how we could do the same ; but in our own meaning.

When reading the book, at no time whatsoever, did I feel Frank was trying to sell me an idea or be condescending in his lead-up to success as a radio host and public speaker. I read his stories like I was there, and this guy was genuine, passionate about self-improvement and loved looking deeper into life. Essentially, he’s the real deal when it comes to wanting to help people develop themselves further, and his manner and way of writing allows us to do that in our own manner – no pressure, just passion and support.

Frank’s terminology like  ‘victor of circumstance’ (instead of victim) are only a few examples of how he’s built up his resilience throughout the years and continues to share and encourage that resilience in others.

Tough times don’t last, but tough cookies do…. and Frank himself (and his book) sure are a great example of that !

 

More info on the author:  http://www.franksaliki.com

Check out the book for yourself  HERE

 

Diving back into a career after taking a Break

8 years… that’s how long ago I decided to shelf my career to follow the man of my dreams. I still worked during those eight years, popped out two lovely daughters in the meantime, but 8 years ago was the last time I really considered myself a ‘career woman’… until recently.

I used to work 60+ hr weeks as a psychologist, worked in a joined private practice and delivered a number of training workshops to other professionals. I didn’t have children, my husband (then boyfriend) was working overseas and I had only myself and the dog to look out for. Shelving that career, to leave Australia and follow my partner’s, has never been a ‘sacrifice’ to me – far from it! But I won’t say it didn’t come with some major adjustments. After leaving Down Under, I took to more flexible and less demanding jobs. It worked perfectly moving around the globe, and when we started our little family, it was the ideal setting to balance work and family… and it has been for the last 8 years.  All that changed, a month ago, after being offered a great opportunity back in my professional field, here in France.

The excitement of jumping back into a career (one I had secretly been missing for some time) propelled me through the first few weeks. I started researching additional childcare, looked at ways to expand my professional network and got up to speed with current research and trends. The hype was real and I was ready to dive in, fully clothed, without ever looking back.

But, then came the gut… a little knot that reminded me this was going to be a major change in our family dynamic and affect my time with the children and my partner. The occasional Wednesday afternoon of secretly wishing I was at work instead of arts n’ crafting paper plates, evenings where I felt slightly resentful that I was always the one home for bath and dinner time; were now going to be things of the past. The reality of spending less time with my girls hit me, and rose-coloured glasses made me forget all the tantrums, spilled food and rainy indoor days. Suddenly, I viewed my children as flawless angels I was leaving behind with an after-school nanny, and I was hit right in the face with a nice, big, juicy guilt trip. On top of that, for the last 4 years in France I had been predominantly speaking in English at work, which was now turning into working fully bilingual.

I’m most definitely not the first, or the last, woman to have taken a career break post-kids; nor I am the only person in France who’s diving back into their careers in a new country. There are so many of us who have gone through the emotional rollercoaster of taking up their careers again in an entirely new setting, which has made things easier knowing this.

Below are a few of the challenges this little writer is currently dealing with in trying to find the best possible work/life balance, re-defining her ‘professional self’ and setting up a new network in a country that is not her own.

1. Admitting the need for extra help

I’ve come to realise that it would be nearly impossible to commit to a full-time career, settle into a new work environment, and be home for all the little things with the children. Many of us who followed our partners here, don’t always have the same support network like we would back home. Our families don’t necessarily live nearby and not everything can fall on the shoulders of the in-laws.   Some sacrifices (from both ends) will need to be made and one of them is hiring the extra help to do so. Here in France there are a number of ways to go about that including: expat Facebook Groups, Nanny agencies, babysitter applications, and local ads. There are enough people hiring help for us to get good references and not be forced to choose some random person off the street. Honestly, at this very moment, I’m kind of looking forward to not having to deal with the dinner/bath time routines anymore; but I know the second it all sets in, I’ll miss it like crazy. (I’ll need to remind myself I said that, as I chase my naked 2-year-old around the house tonight, trying to get her cheeky butt into the tub).

2. Learning to let go a little

Getting extra help comes hand-in-hand with letting go of some of the control. In our household my husband and I work well together as a team, but I’m no stranger to being a bit of a control freak (I’m even kind of proud of being one). With a husband who often travels for work, a full-time job and two young children; I’m my own worst critic in trying to have everything in order. My goal to ‘have it all’ has sometimes lead to a very full bucket (figuratively speaking, my real bucket is dried off, clean, and stowed away in the garage ;p) and I’ve had to learn to let go of a few things for the greater good. The idea of what ‘having it all’ means, seems to have a very individual response for everyone and changes for me on a daily basis. Some days ‘having it all’ for me means my family still had a healthy home-cooked meal after I spent the day at the office and I’m on top of the laundry. Other days ‘having it all’ means I managed to take a shower and go to the toilet on my own…you know … it changes with the tides.

3. Dealing with the Guilt Trip

Moms have guilt trips about pretty much everything… yes…e.vry.thing. We’re mom-shamed whether we breastfeed or formula feed, sleep train or co sleep, use a dummy or thumbs, work or stay at home – you name it. We can never win and being subjected to the occasional guilt trip is simply part of the game. Of course, how we respond to said guilt trip, and how we let it influence our lives, is what matters most. As a working mom, I’ve seen enough judgmental glares at the school as I drop my daughter off in a rush to catch the train and condescending comments like “oh so you can’t come to the 11 am parent breakfast …on a Tuesday?” are now met with a blank stare. What keeps me going more than anything is my daughters seeing their mom kicking butt at work and being home for them after for some quality time together. I want to role model strength, confidence and independence to them; which I believe can be done by both working or stay-at-home moms alike. So the guilt trip (although still deeply felt) will not influence the choices I make for myself and for my family.

4. Re-defining your Professional Self in a new place

It takes time to build yourself up professionally. Many of us may have left behind a very strong professional network, where we made a name for ourselves, and past achievements might not always be recognised the same way in a new country. For me, re-defining my professional identity has been about regaining confidence after a career break, brushing up on new skills and identifying boundaries that have changes dramatically since the last time I was in my field. Skills acquired during a career break are still valuable competencies, that can be transferred into the workforce, and we should be confident using them. Moving countries, adapting to new cultures, learning a new language, and raising children so they don’t end up a crime lord or high end stripper (no judgement, just not my cup of tea); are already great skills that not every John or Jane Doe can master.

5. Connecting with the local professional network

One thing I have found very useful in diving back into my career in a new country, has been connecting with other like-minded individuals. There is an abundance of Facebook groups that include Expats in your area, expat parents, expat working mothers, career-seeking expats and what not. Professional clubs, seminars, conferences, and events link people from all over the globe and are a great way to get back into your career and make some valuable connections. Like I said earlier; I’m not the first, nor the last, to do this, and why not access a community of people who’ve been there for advice or support?