Diving back into a career after taking a Break

8 years… that’s how long ago I decided to shelf my career to follow the man of my dreams. I still worked during those eight years, popped out two lovely daughters in the meantime, but 8 years ago was the last time I really considered myself a ‘career woman’… until recently.

I used to work 60+ hr weeks as a psychologist, worked in a joined private practice and delivered a number of training workshops to other professionals. I didn’t have children, my husband (then boyfriend) was working overseas and I had only myself and the dog to look out for. Shelving that career, to leave Australia and follow my partner’s, has never been a ‘sacrifice’ to me – far from it! But I won’t say it didn’t come with some major adjustments. After leaving Down Under, I took to more flexible and less demanding jobs. It worked perfectly moving around the globe, and when we started our little family, it was the ideal setting to balance work and family… and it has been for the last 8 years.  All that changed, a month ago, after being offered a great opportunity back in my professional field, here in France.

The excitement of jumping back into a career (one I had secretly been missing for some time) propelled me through the first few weeks. I started researching additional childcare, looked at ways to expand my professional network and got up to speed with current research and trends. The hype was real and I was ready to dive in, fully clothed, without ever looking back.

But, then came the gut… a little knot that reminded me this was going to be a major change in our family dynamic and affect my time with the children and my partner. The occasional Wednesday afternoon of secretly wishing I was at work instead of arts n’ crafting paper plates, evenings where I felt slightly resentful that I was always the one home for bath and dinner time; were now going to be things of the past. The reality of spending less time with my girls hit me, and rose-coloured glasses made me forget all the tantrums, spilled food and rainy indoor days. Suddenly, I viewed my children as flawless angels I was leaving behind with an after-school nanny, and I was hit right in the face with a nice, big, juicy guilt trip. On top of that, for the last 4 years in France I had been predominantly speaking in English at work, which was now turning into working fully bilingual.

I’m most definitely not the first, or the last, woman to have taken a career break post-kids; nor I am the only person in France who’s diving back into their careers in a new country. There are so many of us who have gone through the emotional rollercoaster of taking up their careers again in an entirely new setting, which has made things easier knowing this.

Below are a few of the challenges this little writer is currently dealing with in trying to find the best possible work/life balance, re-defining her ‘professional self’ and setting up a new network in a country that is not her own.

1. Admitting the need for extra help

I’ve come to realise that it would be nearly impossible to commit to a full-time career, settle into a new work environment, and be home for all the little things with the children. Many of us who followed our partners here, don’t always have the same support network like we would back home. Our families don’t necessarily live nearby and not everything can fall on the shoulders of the in-laws.   Some sacrifices (from both ends) will need to be made and one of them is hiring the extra help to do so. Here in France there are a number of ways to go about that including: expat Facebook Groups, Nanny agencies, babysitter applications, and local ads. There are enough people hiring help for us to get good references and not be forced to choose some random person off the street. Honestly, at this very moment, I’m kind of looking forward to not having to deal with the dinner/bath time routines anymore; but I know the second it all sets in, I’ll miss it like crazy. (I’ll need to remind myself I said that, as I chase my naked 2-year-old around the house tonight, trying to get her cheeky butt into the tub).

2. Learning to let go a little

Getting extra help comes hand-in-hand with letting go of some of the control. In our household my husband and I work well together as a team, but I’m no stranger to being a bit of a control freak (I’m even kind of proud of being one). With a husband who often travels for work, a full-time job and two young children; I’m my own worst critic in trying to have everything in order. My goal to ‘have it all’ has sometimes lead to a very full bucket (figuratively speaking, my real bucket is dried off, clean, and stowed away in the garage ;p) and I’ve had to learn to let go of a few things for the greater good. The idea of what ‘having it all’ means, seems to have a very individual response for everyone and changes for me on a daily basis. Some days ‘having it all’ for me means my family still had a healthy home-cooked meal after I spent the day at the office and I’m on top of the laundry. Other days ‘having it all’ means I managed to take a shower and go to the toilet on my own…you know … it changes with the tides.

3. Dealing with the Guilt Trip

Moms have guilt trips about pretty much everything… yes…e.vry.thing. We’re mom-shamed whether we breastfeed or formula feed, sleep train or co sleep, use a dummy or thumbs, work or stay at home – you name it. We can never win and being subjected to the occasional guilt trip is simply part of the game. Of course, how we respond to said guilt trip, and how we let it influence our lives, is what matters most. As a working mom, I’ve seen enough judgmental glares at the school as I drop my daughter off in a rush to catch the train and condescending comments like “oh so you can’t come to the 11 am parent breakfast …on a Tuesday?” are now met with a blank stare. What keeps me going more than anything is my daughters seeing their mom kicking butt at work and being home for them after for some quality time together. I want to role model strength, confidence and independence to them; which I believe can be done by both working or stay-at-home moms alike. So the guilt trip (although still deeply felt) will not influence the choices I make for myself and for my family.

4. Re-defining your Professional Self in a new place

It takes time to build yourself up professionally. Many of us may have left behind a very strong professional network, where we made a name for ourselves, and past achievements might not always be recognised the same way in a new country. For me, re-defining my professional identity has been about regaining confidence after a career break, brushing up on new skills and identifying boundaries that have changes dramatically since the last time I was in my field. Skills acquired during a career break are still valuable competencies, that can be transferred into the workforce, and we should be confident using them. Moving countries, adapting to new cultures, learning a new language, and raising children so they don’t end up a crime lord or high end stripper (no judgement, just not my cup of tea); are already great skills that not every John or Jane Doe can master.

5. Connecting with the local professional network

One thing I have found very useful in diving back into my career in a new country, has been connecting with other like-minded individuals. There is an abundance of Facebook groups that include Expats in your area, expat parents, expat working mothers, career-seeking expats and what not. Professional clubs, seminars, conferences, and events link people from all over the globe and are a great way to get back into your career and make some valuable connections. Like I said earlier; I’m not the first, nor the last, to do this, and why not access a community of people who’ve been there for advice or support?

11 Random Rules to a Happier Life

I like to collect little snippets of good advice over the years and store them away for a rainy day. Be it something I once read somewhere, an actual quote or a nice little life lesson I got to learn myself… I thought I’d share with you my top ten for the moment and pay it forward.

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1. Do more things that make you forget to check your  mobile phone

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2. Stay away from negative people, they have a problems for every solution

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3. Be a “what’s the problem so we can fix it” kind of person. Sulking doesn’t solve problems. Grow up and learn how to communicate

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4. Appreciate every day things. Your life is not drinking cocktails on the beach. Those things happen once in a while. Those are exceptions. Your life is how you greet each other at the door when you come home every day, because that is 10 minutes a day. Your life is how you treat each other at the dinner table, because that is an hour every single day. You get those mundane and ‘boring’ things right, those things you do every day. If you concentrate on them and make them pristine, it’s like you have 80% of your life put together. These little things that are right in front of of us, they’re not little….. (inspired by a quote from Dr Jordan Peterson).

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5. People having a uniformed opinion about something they don’t understand and proclaiming their opinion as being equally valid as facts is what is wrong with the world today. No one wants to do any research, they just want to be right.  Educate yourself, make up your own mind, and respect those who don’t agree with you, even if you don’t always understand them.

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6. The first thing you should know about me is that I am not you. A lot more will make sense after that

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7.  Happiness is a choice not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you but from you. A lot easier said than done, sure. This doesn’t mean we’re never allowed to be unhappy… of course we are… swim it in and experience it, just make sure you don’t drown in it.

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8. Strength is forgiving someone who wasn’t sorry and accepting an apology you never received

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9. There is a difference between letting kids be kids, and letting kids be assholes.

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10. It’s okay to not have the same amount of time for friends as you did before. Adult friendships now are a cluster of cancelled plans and missed phone dates, followed by a really intense catch up with life changing events that you all get excited about and texting ‘I love you’ straight afterwards. Rinse and Repeat

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11. It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice

“Screen-time” for our kids: Is it really as bad as some fear it to be?

This article has not been written to encourage nor discourage the use of ‘screen time’ with our children. Each parent does their own, which is something I respect more than anything ! Some close to me allow their children screen time, some moderate it and some even block it from their younger ones all together. All of them are good and loving parents with smart and happy children. I’m not suggesting that all digital media is great, there are legitimate reasons that worry about the content and overuse of screens. But rather than completely closing them off, I wanted to focus on where these screens fit in with all the other things we do to develop, grow, encourage and stimulate our children? I wanted to take a closer look at the ways to a “balance in the force” if you will…

Parenting these days, consists of constantly receiving conflicting information encouraging us to do certain things, which subsequently change a year later warning us ‘not‘ to do those same things anymore.  Like how swaddling comforts our babies, but then again no it could choke them and they’ll die ; or put them in their beds on their backs, no their stomachs, I mean their sides … or they’ll die; a teething necklace how original and attachment oriented… nope… wait a second…. it could choke them and.. you guessed it… they’ll die!

When I was a new mom with baby nr. one, I spent the first 18 months worrying I’d kill my daughter if we didn’t follow advice or heaven forbid wanted to ‘trust our gut’ on certain things. With the second one we had thankfully calmed down a bit, and she pretty much plays in a sandpit of broken glass now whilst suckling on an old hairbrush …. (that, my friends, was a joke…).

1. The ‘Where and How’ of screens 

Screens are pretty much a part of life now and based on the rate at which technology is growing, it’s only going to increase. I agree that the over-use of screens are not particularly beneficial, but I also agree that screens are not necessarily the technological evil that turns our children into passive little fatties. If we threw a tablet at a 4 year old, or left them in front of the TV all day without any conversation around it nor monitoring of the content, sure.. we’d be creating consumers who would click, slide and drag their way through life. But if we moderated their screen time,  filtered out and distinguished programs that educate, motivate and teach our children about technology through play.. you could say that we would be turning those consumers into little creators themselves.

The idea of when to introduce screens to our children ofcourse seems to be widely debated with some stating it’s never too early to learn and others holding off for as long as they can.. I’ll be honest, I myself think it’s a personal choice and neither one will detrimentally screw up your child nor turn them into a gifted individual either.

2. Challenging our perception of screens 

Often we feel guilty when we’ve plopped our kids in front of the television in order to prep dinner, take a shower or heck… I’ll admit it… just to have a little peace and quiet for five minutes. We feel we need to be there to teach them everything they need to know and the idea of a screen ‘babysitting’ our child can often leave us feeling a bit anxious or stressed.

If we change our negative perception of screens we open ourselves up to the potential for good they might have. Instead of seeing it as a ‘digital babysitter’ to shut up our child, we start seeing and using it a as an occasional tool to promote emotional and intellectual growth.

Sara DeWitt (head of PBS Kids Digital) often refers to the example of Fred Rogers in her articles and conferences. In a time where television was fairly new (and even back then the anxiety around ‘screen time’ was already very real) Fred Rogers was the creator of the popular children’s tv show ‘Mr Roger’s neighborhood’ in the US. He saw television as a tool for children to learn and grow and developed a new style where he would look directly into the camera, pause and ‘wait’ for the children to interact with him. A style we often see now in children programs such as Dora the Explorer Sesame Street and Daniel Tiger. This style has given young children the perception that they are part of the program and that the characters are in fact talking to them personally. We might know that’s not the case, but a 3 year old luckily still has that sense of wonder going for them.

3. Everything in Moderation and Balance 

In our house, the television is an occasional tool used to educate, entertain and motivate our two daughters (aged 1 and 4). As they are multilingual children, the languages of the programs we choose also help us in exposing them to a certain language more when needed (for example: I speak Dutch, my husband French and although we speak English together, it’s the language our kids hear the least at this stage as we live in France). Peppa Pig, Dora the Explorer and the Australian Wiggles have contributed considerably to their English vocabulary. Such programs have also aided in teaching them about politeness, empathy, curiosity and dance at the same time.

In saying that, things like outside play, reading and writing, arts and crafts, socializing and face to face conversation/lessons/etc are still very important and key in the emotional, physical, and educational development of our children and should never be put aside no matter how much our world changes. The television in our house is merely a tool, it is not what predominantly educates our children, that’s still on us.

4. The Importance of Content 

Balance is not only important in the time we give to screens but also in its content. Games or TV shows don’t always have to be a waste of time and many have been developed to promote real learning. For example, research studies have shown that certain Math games (like Curious George, Odd Squad etc) have taught kids real math skills. PBS Kids informs us that their development partners at UCLA even believe that games can help us understand more about a child’s critical thinking skills than a standardized test can. With the increased pressure of constantly testing our children, often resulting in testing anxiety and “pigeon-holing” kids, couldn’t that be another way for teachers to have a better insight into student learning (PBS Digital, 2016).

5. Screens won’t isolate your children as long as you don’t either 

As a psychologist I can’t stress enough how important it is to really communicate with your child on a regular basis. No matter how little or how much time they spend in front of a screen. We need to talk with our children about themselves, their emotions, their questions, their theories, their fears, you name it! Although we use tools to help us parent, they need to know we’re interested in their lives, in both the big and the small, sometimes seemingly trivial stuff. This includes talking about what they see and use on screens…

In recent years, there have been various studies that show that certain programs or educational games have aided in teaching children general knowledge, language and literacy as well as social-emotional growth. However, these studies also showed that the benefit was stronger when the parents spoke with their children about what they watched. Neither just watching nor just talking about the topic was enough, the combination was key (Texas Tech University, 2016). I can see how a child could become isolated if they are planted in front of a screen, for long periods of time, with no other interactions. Nevertheless, within an age-appropriate time limit and content, we can use such programs to add into our daily interactions. For example, a child might learn through an app how birds fly, what stops us from taking them for a walk in the park afterwards to see the real deal? The other day we spoke with our daughters about sharing with each other, you can imagine their delight when ‘Peppa Pig’ had the same talk with her parents after getting into a fight with her little brother George (yes the cartoon).

If we talk with them about what they learn and see it could help us better understand their insights, show an interest in who they are and (in my case at least) they might even teach us a thing or two!

So do I have it all figured out now that I’ve done some research and written this article? Not even close! I am learning every day as they grow into little individuals within an ever changing world that, frankly, sometimes I struggle to keep up with.

I wanted (in a way) to ‘defend’ myself against those who might see parents who use screen time, as possibly lazy or distant. I wanted to encourage those who do use screens to do so in moderation but to not feel ashamed about it. But I also wanted to applaud those who avoid screens and spend all that extra time on education with their children, I truly wish I had more of it sometimes.

 

 

 

“Workin’ hard for the mommy”: I chose to bench my career for family

Just like wanting the ability to eat what I want and not gain weight (which sadly was no longer an option once I hit my 30s) my need to ‘have it all’ has not stayed limited to my love for peanut butter M&M’s.

When I first started my career, fresh out of university, I was a doe-eyed optimist with a Psychology degree under her belt, ready to dive into the workforce….and boy, did I dive in! I launched my career working for children services where it became clear that I had a knack for working in the field of psychological trauma. I could not always prevent the trauma, but made darn well sure that I was there to help survive it! It was not long before I started to live and breathe the job, just like my colleagues in the field did. After a few years of working close to 12 hour days in high risk situations and court deadlines, I decided to take it down a notch and move into private practice.

I loved my job and everything it stood for. The only people I had to look out for was me and the dog (yes, he counts as human). Then, another many years later… I met a French boy. (*blush*)

From day one we knew Australia would not be our final destination and a year and a half later I followed him back to Europe. Coming from an expat family myself, the idea of moving away did not scare me as such. I had finally found someone I wanted to actually commit to and although some interpreted my move as ‘throwing away my career’, I saw it as a great opportunity to learn more, be with the one I loved, and you know…. ‘having it all (and of course the dog came along as well…).

Fast forward another 3 years, when we welcomed our first baby girl and life truly changed for both of us. I had never experienced this feeling of; being so busy you didn’t have time for anything, yet feeling so bored at the same time. I felt like I couldn’t identify as anything else but ‘a mom’ and although I poured my heart and soul into this gorgeous little monkey, I didn’t feel like I was making a difference in the world anymore. Please don’t get me wrong, being a stay-at-home-parent is a full time and admirable job and for those doing it every day, you’re bloody amazing and my hat goes off to you! This is merely a depiction of what I was feeling at that time and the internal struggle I felt, missing my career and trying to find my place again. I like working, having a routine and feeling like I’m going to be a productive member of society for the day.

I expected life to change when I chose to follow my husband overseas, and I felt nothing but excitement. I expected life to change when we started having kids, and I felt nothing but love… some fatigue… a bit of nausea… but mostly love. But what I didn’t expect was the feeling of guilt when I decided to give up some of that precious time and go back to work, paired with the resentment I felt every time I lugged a big laundry basket down the stairs.

I wanted the best of both worlds, but that was just no longer an option. I made the choice to shelf my career for the time being by working in a less stressful job with fewer hours. Coming to terms with these new priorities in life still creates the occasional internal battle but as I won’t give up one for the other, I have had to find a middle ground.

Below I’ve summarized a few challenges we might experience when we temporary bench, change or completely stop our careers for the ones we love.

1. Drop the guilt-trip

There is absolutely nobody, other than yourself, judging you for giving up on the work you were doing in order to put your family’s priorities first. You didn’t fail because you’re holding a degree you’re not using nor did you waste the last 10 years to just be a house wife/husband. What we did before molds us into who we become today, that doesn’t change no matter where our paths take us. We are our own harshest critics. Those who do judge don’t know your story and therefore don’t deserve your guilt either.

2. You can’t have your cake and eat it too…( mmm cake)

Of course there are many couples who still have a career whilst raising beautiful and happy children… it is indeed possible! Having a career does not mean you make unhappy babies, but it’s only realistic to acknowledge that one does impacts the other. Like a scale, the balance changes from day to day. That doesn’t mean it can’t be great… we just can’t have it all. The sooner we drop that expectation, the sooner we can jump on the seesaw and just go where gravity takes us and balance as best as we can.

3. It’s okay to feel resentful once in a while, just don’t drown in it

There’s nothing wrong in feeling that bit of bitterness from time to time. I sporadically have pangs of resentment when seeing my single friends go out for a nice dinner or when my husband takes on an exciting challenge at work. I’m no longer the career girl with crazy hours who can enjoy an after-work drink at a moment’s notice, but then I come home to my kid licking the window while the other one is laughing hysterically at her feet, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I think we all look back at certain moments in our past with much fondness, but that doesn’t mean we want to be right back there either. And of course, having kids does not mean you become a total shut-in, that too, is a choice (one, I know, I personally need to put more effort in).

4. Sacrifice is a team effort

My husband and I chose to rank our jobs to make a conscious decision which one to prioritize (future opportunities, financial input, location etc.). We opted to follow his career while I put mine on hold for the time being. But a decision like that is made together, and there is not one party sacrificing more than the other. As a couple, the most important aspect is to remain part of a team. Where I have given up certain things for him, he has most certainly given up things for me as well. I know, at times, because I was no longer the main breadwinner, I felt like I didn’t contribute as much as my husband did, which clouded my view and often lead to arguments. Not once has my adorable Frenchman made me feel like I’m not contributing, but, yet again, my own inside voice put me down more than anyone else. I know my partner fully supports me when I decide to jump back in the saddle… no one needs to be the martyr.

I’m not certain I’d fully get back into the career I had before, but I know this isn’t the end of the road just yet. Little children grow up and become more independent, so there’s nothing stopping me from taking on more challenges when they do.  In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy these little rugrats and the bearded lover who is the absolute cheese to my macaroni, and be grateful for all that I have. I might not have it all, but it’s more than I need and for that I feel like the luckiest one.