The “Tough Cookie Philosophy”: 10 Steps to proactively and positively tackling Life’s Hardships

I’m a big fan of the “Tough Cookie Philosophy”. Not only because I like cookies, but because it teaches us to tackle life’s hardships proactively. I’m also a firm believer that everyone has a certain level of “tough cookie-ness” in them already. It’s just a matter of unlocking our potential and enhancing what we’ve already got, not what we think is lacking…

A common way to describe someone as a tough cookie is to see them as unemotional and not easily hurt by what people say or do, however, I tend to disagree with such a definition. A tough cookie is very well aware of their emotions (something I’ll elaborate on later) and everyone gets hurt or impacted by others at some point … e-very-one. That’s what makes us human and it’s a strength, not a weakness, trust me!

My book on the Tough Cookie Philosophy © includes more self-evaluation, in-depth exercises, and examples.

Available on Amazon / Smashwords

So buckle up, you tough cookie, and go for the ride – you got this!

10 Things that can sometimes hinder an Anglophone’s complete integration into the French Culture

(picture: publix.com)

Being born and raised in Belgium, this Australian in Paris didn’t think she would experience much of a culture shock when returning back to the ‘old continent’… I mean, Europe is still Europe, right? I’d say I was either a lot more integrated into the Australian culture than what I initially thought, or France does have some unique traits that sometimes seem to clash somewhat more with ‘les Anglo Saxons’ compared to other countries.

Every-day things like insisting on greeting complete strangers in the elevator, yet totally avoiding a friendly banter afterwards; have left me scratching my head at times. Below I’ve compiled some examples on how these subtleties (that I never noticed before moving here) have sometimes impacted my full integration into the French culture.

1. “Les Anglo-Saxons”

The French seem to refer to all English-speakers as ‘les Anglo Saxons’ (even though they were a Germanic people who inhabited Great Britain back in the 5^th century). Any English speaker (as well as English speaker’s habits and behaviours that don’t appear to align with the French way of thinking) are catalogued and filed away under ‘Anglo Saxon’. Regardless if you’re from the UK, the US, Australia, Canada, … the term seems to have stuck around. The word in itself has never been an issue for me (being seen as part of a Medieval-sounding group is kind of cool actually), but the occasional assumptions that we’re all the same have bothered me just a little in the past. My love for Halloween has been referred to as “too American’ (it’s Irish btw and who doesn’t like a good dress up) and my children’s early bedtimes are often seen as “very Australian” even though plenty of countries do just that. These are just a few examples of blanket statements. On that same note, the below points include examples in where I totally generalise the French as well, so you know… pot calling the kettle black and all…

2. Are we just too friendly?

English-speakers, in general, can strike up a conversation with pretty much anyone. With this, however, also comes our tendency to overshare and ask personal questions rather quickly. This doesn’t mean all of us are going around making our French company feel uncomfortable. But in a wrong setting it could be perceived as somewhat rude by crossing boundaries too soon. The French culture is what they call a ‘coconut’ culture. These are known for having a harder exterior and won’t easily engage in conversation. But as soon you as you break through the ‘outer shell’ they can make extremely loyal and close friends. “Un Anglo-Saxon”, on the other hand, belongs to a ‘peach’ culture where they are often friendly to people they first meet, share information and are generally helpful. But once you get past the initial friendliness, you’ll find that their inner selves are often protected by a tough pit. Some might view peaches as ‘fake’ and ‘not genuine’, whereas others view coconuts as ‘cold’ and ‘standoffish’. Whatever your preference, this difference in social interactions has led some of us to bump heads when meeting each other. After living in France for a while, I’ve started to refer to myself as belonging to an ‘avocado’ culture. Still the protected pit inside, but with a slightly softer outer shell perhaps (or maybe it’s because I think of myself as ‘healthy fat’?)

3. Swearing

If there’s one thing both our cultures love to do, it’s swearing! But where the French publicly tend to limit themselves to the daily use of “m*rde”, “p*tain” and the occasional “je m’en fiche”; Anglophones have created a natural place for profanity in the English vocabulary and tend to be a bit more colourful when expressing frustration, excitement, and moreover humor. Although some expressions can be stronger than others, the majority of the time, our swearing isn’t always linked to aggression and might not carry the same weight as proper swearing in French would. We do know how to read a room, and are not likely to drop the ‘f-bomb’ in an executive meeting; but don’t be shocked to hear us cry out a solid ‘son of b*tch’ when we stub our toe on the end table.

4. Sense of Humour

Paired with our love of swearing comes our willingness to use humour almost anywhere. Often, Anglophones have no problem calling out an uncomfortable or awkward situation; rather than sweeping it under the rug. On many occasions I’ve actually said out loud ‘well this was awkward’ followed by a giggle and then moved on with the conversation. Whether it was the first time I accidentally sleep-farted in the living room while taking a nap (much to the amusement of my brother-in-law) or when I clumsily met a friend’s new love interest and had nothing to say.  It’s not meant to be harsh, but rather a way to defuse any tension and uneasiness instead of ignoring it completely. Although the French do have a beautiful dry and sarcastic sense of humor, which I love, I haven’t seen them use it as a shield for uncomfortable situations just yet.

5. French can ‘dish it out’, but don’t always like to ‘take it’

Referring back to the French sense of humor… their wit and sarcasm go perfect with making fun of pretty much anyone including themselves. However, I noticed, when the tables are turned; that they haven’t always been good sports when someone else has had a go at them (all in the name of good fun and humor ofcourse). This doesn’t mean they don’t know how to take a joke, but you’ll often find a slight hint of defensiveness when the quip is aimed at them.

6. The difference between being ‘laid back’ and ‘late’

I don’t know how it is for all the Northern hemisphere Anglophones here, but us Aussies are notorious for being laid back. Problems are often met with a comforting pat on the back and a ‘no worries, she’ll be right, mate”(maaajor generalisation there, sorry). But people shouldn’t confuse our laid back-ness by being lazy or slow. Although the Australian life style does move at a calmer pace (you’d move slower too with that heat!), we do remain on point and professional when push comes to shove. For example, the French are known for their tardiness which might not get the same reaction as it would Down Under. Arriving late to a meeting or dinner isn’t frowned upon and is often even anticipated. For us, however, it is not always well received, and being late can be viewed as taking someone else’s time for granted.

7. A stickler for the rules

Although the French make more laws than some Anglo countries, the split seems to emerge in the observance and enforcement of said laws. Some of the things that get me riled up the majority of the time are dog poop and traffic. For a country where getting your driver’s license is an almost impossible feat, they are surprisingly bad drivers (at least in Paris). People change lanes without indicating, text behind the wheel and don’t even get me started on parking wherever you want (including blocking an entire lane while you duck into the shops).  Anglophones view laws as being enforced to protect, whereas many French view them as restrictive and suffocating their right to be disobedient.

8. Complaining

I’m sorry, but I don’t buy it that the French are the only people who are known for complaining. Every country I have ever lived in, people have complained insistently, no matter where they are from. Sure, the French might be better at actually following through with their complaints and go on strike, but I think the ‘complaining’ aspect is something we share (we just tend to complain more about each other that’s all ;).

9. Self-promotion could be seen as arrogant

I know right, arrogant, the irony … but saying things like ‘don’t worry, I’m a very good driver’ is not something you’d necessarily hear a Frenchman say unless they were a bit full of themselves. I didn’t know this until it was pointed out to me that patting yourself on the back might translate wrong at times, and you may come off as a bit of a pompous ass. I don’t know how true this statement is, as the debate is still up on that one, but I’m a big fan of positive psychology; so if you have something good to say about yourself well you just go on right ahead and say it. Add some flair to it too (*whips hair back*).

10. Pardon my French

The French’s love for their language is something I do admire and the concept that they don’t speak any English is absolute bullocks if you ask me. With that, however, comes the occasional situation where they will answer you in English upon hearing any accent. Although I am certain this comes from nothing but a good place in order to help us communicate better, it can sometimes hinder us from fully integrating as we try to practice our French. I haven’t had this happen too often, but it’s something that has come up more than once when speaking to other expats about their experiences, so worth the small mention.

It’s important to take it all with a grain of salt though. I wouldn’t say these differences are totally unfounded; however, I see little point in letting irritation get the better of us and letting it skew our view on this country we now call home. I mean, a dynamic mixing pot of cultural habits is the whole “charm” about Paris isn’t it …

 

5 Way to Beat the upcoming ‘Winter Blues’

(picture: Cottage Life)

Living in one of the most beautiful cities in the world has its many perks. A wealth of galleries, museums, delicious food, beautiful walks and a melodic language under no matter what context. Seriously, have you ever been yelled at by someone in French? It’s simply poetic.

But all pros have their cons and one of the lesser points of Paris these days is the ‘rentrée effect’ where people have come back from their holidays, said goodbye to summer and are now waiting for winter (even though we’ve only just hit autumn). The response is quite amazing where, in just a short few weeks, I’ve seen commuters turn from lovable Hobbits into grumpy, old Orcs. Walk around Paris when the sun’s out and people are generally smiling, enjoying a terrace and you might even get a genuine ‘excuse me’ as someone brushes past you in the metro. Yes, that’s right, the stereotype of the grumpy, arrogant Parisian is only applicable in winter in my opinion. The rest of the year they’re just arrogant 😉 I joke, I joke, “On taquine que ceux que l’on aime”. (we tease the ones we love).

Every year I try to nip those winter blues in the bud and not follow suit in the march of the grumps, however this year has proven to be more challenging as I caught myself hunched over in the metro muttering nonsense and sighing loudly like everyone else. Mais, c’est pas possible! What’s happening?

I’m going to pull the Psychology card here and say it’s a form of ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’. SAD (I know) is a specifier with a ‘seasonal pattern’ for repeated, depressive episodes that occur at a specific time of the year and fully remits otherwise. In other words, people who usually have normal mental health throughout most of the year exhibit depressive symptoms at roughly the same time each year, most commonly in winter. This does not mean that every grumpy person out there in the cold is suffering from a diagnosed major mood disorder. This condition is a spectrum and there are a lot more people who have a lighter version of this disorder, called the ‘winter blues’. These individuals suffer from many of the same symptoms but they do not have clinical depression. It effects about one in three people where we feel generally unmotivated and flat during the cold and dark winter months.

There are of course ways to fight off these blues on our own and below I’ve compiled a few for those who might need it a bit more this year.

1. Recognise symptoms and your place on the spectrum  

First, it is important to establish if you’re just experiencing the ‘winter blues’ or suffering from full blown Seasonal Affective Disorder. Common signs of winter blues include: change in appetite or weight, trouble sleeping, feeling drained, and feeling generally anxious or down.

It is normal to have days where we don’t feel one hundred percent, but when the days appear to drag on for longer and you find it harder and harder to motivate yourself to do things you usually enjoy, it could be beneficial to see a doctor. This is especially important if your sleeping patterns have changed, you’re managing with alcohol or drugs and you’ve experienced thoughts of suicide. When the symptoms block you from living your normal life, it’s always worth seeing someone about it.

2. Self-care 

No matter what time of the year, self-care and wellness, should always be a priority.  Eating healthy and staying active boosts our mood and gives us more energy to focus on everyday stressors. This doesn’t mean we need to go and give up on our beloved winter raclette or fondue parties… just… you know, all good things come in moderation. Omega-3 fatty foods have also been praised for their health benefits, even in improving our mood (foods include salmon; flax seeds and walnuts). Walking 35 minutes a day has proven to help alleviate symptoms of mild to moderate depression. Taking a step back and allowing ourselves to delight in small pleasures can do wonders as well! So book that massage, have a cup of tea, go watch a movie, see some friends for a laugh or simply give yourself a break here and there to help you beat those dreadful winter blues.

3. Head outside for sunlight and fresh air

Go outdoors in natural daylight as much as possible, especially at midday and on brighter days. Sure, not the most motivating thing to do especially when you’re nice and toasty inside. But take that shower, brush your teeth and head outside even if it’s only to run a small errand, you’ll feel better for it. Inside your home, choose pale colours that reflect light from outside, trim back tree branches, open your curtains and sit near windows whenever you can. When your body is craving more daylight, 30 minutes a day of this can be almost as effective as antidepressants.

4. Keep Warm 

Being cold may make you feel more depressed so making sure you stay warm can help beat the winter blues. You can do so with hot drinks and hot food. Wear warm clothes and most importantly keep your feet warm. A great way to drag out those multi-coloured, winter toe-socks from your drawer – when else can you pull these off really! Keep your home between 18-21C (or 64-70F for my American friends). Having your home too hot is not a solution either so avoid the sauna jungle and just aim for nice and toasty.

5. A ‘coziness’ mindset 

Stop saying you hate winter (even if you do). Continually thinking about how much you dread winter only feeds the winter blues beast and makes it more likely you’ll feel sad as the season progresses. Our Norwegian neighbours have it figured out with a concept they call ‘koselig’ which is a state of being warm, kind and cozy. It defines something/someone/an ambiance that makes you feel a sense of warmth very deep inside in a way that all things should be: simple and comforting (definition by a froginthefjord.com).  So how can we make our lives more ‘koselig’? Turn off all main lights and use soft yellow lighting preferably emanating from a lamp. Light some candles (extra points for scented ones) or light a fire. As most of us in Paris might not have an actual fireplace, Netflix and Youtube have great 6-hour long videos of open fires… and it does the trick! Turn off the busy TV programs and put on some pleasant music, invite friends over for a nice dinner or a fun games night. Implement whatever you define as cozy, to change your mindset on winter.

I hope some of these will help you tackle the cold season ahead. Let us know in the comment which other tips have helped you beat the winter blues…

11 Random Rules to a Happier Life

I like to collect little snippets of good advice over the years and store them away for a rainy day. Be it something I once read somewhere, an actual quote or a nice little life lesson I got to learn myself… I thought I’d share with you my top ten for the moment and pay it forward.

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1. Do more things that make you forget to check your  mobile phone

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2. Stay away from negative people, they have a problems for every solution

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3. Be a “what’s the problem so we can fix it” kind of person. Sulking doesn’t solve problems. Grow up and learn how to communicate

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4. Appreciate every day things. Your life is not drinking cocktails on the beach. Those things happen once in a while. Those are exceptions. Your life is how you greet each other at the door when you come home every day, because that is 10 minutes a day. Your life is how you treat each other at the dinner table, because that is an hour every single day. You get those mundane and ‘boring’ things right, those things you do every day. If you concentrate on them and make them pristine, it’s like you have 80% of your life put together. These little things that are right in front of of us, they’re not little….. (inspired by a quote from Dr Jordan Peterson).

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5. People having a uniformed opinion about something they don’t understand and proclaiming their opinion as being equally valid as facts is what is wrong with the world today. No one wants to do any research, they just want to be right.  Educate yourself, make up your own mind, and respect those who don’t agree with you, even if you don’t always understand them.

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6. The first thing you should know about me is that I am not you. A lot more will make sense after that

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7.  Happiness is a choice not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you but from you. A lot easier said than done, sure. This doesn’t mean we’re never allowed to be unhappy… of course we are… swim it in and experience it, just make sure you don’t drown in it.

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8. Strength is forgiving someone who wasn’t sorry and accepting an apology you never received

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9. There is a difference between letting kids be kids, and letting kids be assholes.

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10. It’s okay to not have the same amount of time for friends as you did before. Adult friendships now are a cluster of cancelled plans and missed phone dates, followed by a really intense catch up with life changing events that you all get excited about and texting ‘I love you’ straight afterwards. Rinse and Repeat

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11. It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice

7 Ways to Manage Jet-Lag with small children

Like most of you, we’re no stranger to crossing different time zones on any given occasion, and having family living in Australia has us dealing with the hulk of all jet lags every time we visit. But this year was my first experience going through jet lag with both our children under the age of 5.

I started writing this post during night 2 after arriving in Australia from France. The jet lag had just kicked in, but it wasn’t so bad with the Fifa World Cup on, hence no alarms had to be set to watch the games. Both kids were going to bed splendidly, but were waking up for two hour blocks anywhere between 2-4 am. ‘Not so bad’ you might think, but when I say they woke up, it felt like they were the most awake they had ever been! It’s manageable, sure, but I’m sure the neighbours were happy when we moved onto our next destination.

It’s now day 20, and before you panic, no it did not take over two weeks to recover (it just took close to three weeks for me to get my sh*t together and write this article… But hey I’m on holidays). The real jet-lag stuck with us for about a week and the following points are what helped us get through it. (sounds a tad dramatic…wait, let me re-phrase… we slept a little funny for about a week and here’s what helped us get back on track).

1. Plan ahead

Traveling from Europe to Australia is about as far as you can go, so regardless of flights, you’re pretty much screwed and will get hit with jet lag. Nevertheless, do try and plan your flights/transport to suit you as best as possible. Some people prefer a night flight to ensure their little ones will sleep on the plane before arriving. Others prefer a day flight because they themselves don’t sleep on planes and prefer to be well rested to handle the first, bumpy days ahead. Do what suits you (and your wallet) best. Incorporating a good lay-over period during long journeys can help the little energy balls stretch their legs and run around for a while. Many airports have play areas and some even have private rooms for rent where you can freshen up. Do your research before booking your travels.

2. Start off slow

The one thing I did not do is start these holidays off slow. After recovering from emergency lower-back surgery a week and a half before departure, I was even more determined to get to our destination and be with my family. I had a baby nephew to finally meet and parents who were dying to see their grandchildren. I hit the ground running (well… on bed rest for a bit of it) so our jet lag was predominantly shared with my poor mom as she helped me carry our toddler in and out of the bed (thanks mom, you’re a rock star!) So lesson learnt; although I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Try and take it easy the first few days of your holidays as you all adjust to the new time zone and surroundings.

3. Acceptance

The first thing we need to remember when travelling long distances is that jet-lag is just a part of the package. Some people are less affected by it than others, and usually children tend to adapt better than adults (maybe it’s because we’re already tired to begin with). Either way, going with the flow of it and finding ways to minimize it, is better than trying to stop it or avoiding it all together.

4. Patience (I lost mine on night 2)

This comes hand in hand with acceptance. If we refuse to roll over and let jet-lag sniff our butts, we won’t have the patience either to ride it out. Pair that with some added on fatigue and you’ll soon look at one grumpy sob in the mirror. I tend to not handle jet-lag that well even pre-kids, so this grumpy old lady lost her marbles rather early on in the game. ‘Just be patient’ is a lot easier said than done, but even faking a calm and comforting smile is a good start to keeping your cool. This too shall pass (otherwise none of us would travel…ever)

5. Full bellies

The first few nights our little ones woke up and were always happy to have another meal even though we had had a good dinner earlier. We quickly caught on and gave them a little extra just before bed. It went against my usual rule of thumb where I try to keep at least an hour or two between meals and bedtime, but when you’re tired, you’ll try just about anything.

6. Allow middle of night wake up and return to routine after an hour or two max

Don’t force the children the lie silently in their beds because they won’t (unless you have the dream team of offspring who will do whatever you want and adapt however you need; in which case I hate you just a little bit and you wouldn’t be reading this post in the first place). Instead, allow the children to do a quiet activity and let them get their ‘awakeness’ out of their system. Read a book, play a calm game, watch something relaxing on TV (yes, a screen! calm down) They’ll soon get tired again and fall back asleep. We don’t need to run a tight ship when away from home, but sticking to some of the routine is still very important with little ones even when you’re on holidays.

7. Enjoy your Holiday !

Keep your eye on the prize, and once you’ve pushed through those first few days, you can start enjoying your holidays! Whether you’re discovering a new city/region, visiting family or heading somewhere familiar; rest up and enjoy these little monkeys’ company, because before you know it September will come and hit us smack in the face again.

Bonnes Vacances !!

Avocado Toast with Hummus and Pommegrenade

A little treat I make myself at anytime, breakfast, lunch or dinner. So simple but oh so delicious! 

Ingredients 

• slice of rye bread, dark bread (any bread you like really) I’m a fan of the darkers ones 
• 1/2 avocado sliced 
• Hummus 
• Pommegrende seeds 
• Salt 

Spread a layer of hummus on the bread and lay out avocado slices on top. Add pommegrenade seeds and sprinle of salt to finish off. 

Voila. Super easy, healthy and filling enough … Bon appetit ! 

8 Tips for the Fearful Flyer

I’ve flown my entire life, without any problems, until I started developing a strong fear of flying in my early teens. It could have been caused by a very bad storm I once flew through or perhaps it was that imminent realization that we’re being thrown from one place to another in a giant, loud, metal, fart box. Regardless, it has been there for quite some time now and it seems to be getting worse over the years. As someone who has family living in both Australia and Europe, and a husband who loves to travel, taking airplanes on a regular basis has just become part of life. Despite the constant urge to research viable train connections, it has been made clear that I just need to take that spoon of cement, be a big girl, and harden the bleep up!

Sure, I’ve read the statistics and I’m very well aware that I am more likely to be killed by a cow (random) than when flying.  I even attended a course for airplane wimps (not its official name) which helped to an extent. But the kicker about having a fear is that there is often absolutely no logic behind how it presents itself.  You might be fine with the flying part itself, but get sweaty palms when you see the plane at full capacity. Or the small travel space might not be an issue for you, but images of plunging to a fiery death anytime there’s turbulence might hinder some of that so-called relaxation time all the fearless ones so arrogantly talk about.  Whatever your dread, if taking the plane makes you break a sweat, these tips might be useful for you.

1. Know what to expect.

For many fearful flyers, learning the basics of how airplanes work can go a long way toward alleviating their anxiety. For instance, understanding how a plane can continue to fly even if an engine fails can help you feel less concerned about your aircraft malfunctioning. (GuidetoPsychology.com offers an easy-to-understand explanation of how planes stay in the air, what causes turbulence, and what’s behind those scary sounds during take-off and landing). I know for one I won’t relax until I hear the first “ping” after taking off, and will fully settle into my seat after the second “ping” noise. The “ping” (in my mind) is the pilot’s way of informing cabin crew that we’re safe and well on our way… for now.

2. Take the edge off… in moderation

Before flying with my daughters, I used to self-medicate with wine and/or a sleeping pill. Of course, one must be very careful not to mix these two together. A lesson 19-year old me learned after a little wine/Valium cocktail. We experienced a ‘touch and go’ whilst landing in London and after 5 minutes in the air the Captain assured us we’d just circle around for a bit before landing again…. to which a very intoxicated me slurred (loud enough) “That’s what they said in ‘Die Hard’ and that plane crashed” (much to the amusement of fellow passengers). I apologized profusely to the friendly flight staff who assured me I was not their first. So don’t hesitate to take a little something if needed, just make sure you’re informed on quantity and effects before doing so. Avoiding caffeine and other stimulants is also recommended as they might make an already anxious person even edgier.

3. Nothing wrong with a little superstition

Some of us hold on to a favorite necklace, say a little prayer, turn around three times before boarding the place, whatever floats your boat really. For me, the phrase “you’ll be fine” is somewhat of a mantra I chant pretty much the entire journey. Anyone close to me knows this and the more people who say it to me before take-off, the more secure I feel about the flight. I may bother a few fellow passengers along the way when they see me clutching my necklace and mumbling ‘you’ll be fine; you’ll be fine; you’ll be fine” like a lunatic; but it beats sitting next to a sweaty, teary mess.

4. Choose the right seat for you.

Most airlines and agencies allow you to request a seat when you book your flight. If your main concern is claustrophobia, request an aisle seat as you’ll feel less blocked in by other people. You’ll be able to get up and move around the cabin and it also makes it easier to avoid looking out the window if those high altitude views make you nervous. Others prefer the window, because those ‘views’ calm them down and can distract them from their own thoughts. If I sit on the wing or any row in front of it, I’m a much more pleasant passenger. I solidly believe that turbulence is felt stronger at the back of the plane. A theory I developed when seated in the  very last row during heavy turbulence while I was in the bathroom. I had to hold on to the basin because I was terrified… luckily I was already seated on a toilet because … well… you know.

5. Positive Thinking and distractions rather than gloomy hypotheticals

If you’re a fearful flyer like me, my mind is my worst enemy. Rather than thinking about the excited family waiting for me at the other end of my journey, my thoughts tend to drift more towards images of a burning wreck…suitcases scattered… a baby crying for its mother… *gulp* or my brain treats me to a montage of all the air crash scenes I’ve seen in movies. I know it’s the anxiety talking, so it takes real effort to focus on the positives and we might need to ‘train’ our brain into grounding ourselves and finding ways to refocus and relax. Thinking about where you are heading, who you will see and how fun it will be, is a good start. Don’t read any headlines or watch any documentaries/films with air cash themes in them. Try to work on relaxation exercises like deep breathing, listening to music you like, watching an in flight film etc. Finding positive ways to distract yourself will help drown out some of those anxious thoughts.

6. Don’t rush yourself

Running around fearing you’ll miss your flight or looking for documents will only add to your anxiety. Prep ahead of time and have all documents printed, filed away and easily accessible. Arrive on time. You might be a pro at going through airport security but that doesn’t mean the chatty family of 7 in front of you is. It’s always better to stand around a bit before the flight, board the plane in ‘peace’, stow away your hand luggage and settle into your seat; rather than running onto the plane as they call your name before closing the doors. Of course, unless you like the thrill of last minute stress and not wanting too much time to overthink, then my friend, please do rush away.

7. Befriend the crew

Cabin and ground staff deal with anxious flyers every day and I am yet to find a soulless crew member who won’t take your anxiety into consideration…. a few grumpy ones yes, but not soulless. On the ground they might take pity with your puppy-eyed plea and find you that seat you like so much. In the air they’ll check in on you during turbulence or even give you a reassuring look or squeeze on the shoulder. Often meeting the people, you consider responsible for your safety can reassure you that they are competent in doing exactly that. In saying that, my irrational little brain refuses to meet the pilot in case they don’t live up to my demanding expectations though. Baby steps…

8. Seek professional help

If your fear particularly hinders you from travelling and you’ve tried several relaxation techniques without success, asking your doctor for more information on anti-anxiety medication or contacting a mental health professional might be a final option. Learning techniques through NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) with the assistance of a licensed therapist can help you figure out the root causes of your fear and how to overcome them.

So with these tips in mind, I prepare for my very long flight(s) to Australia in a few weeks and I hope I can follow my own advice as much as I like to dish it out. “You’ll be fine Stef”.

Bon voyage everyone!

Pros and Cons of having Dual Nationality

With the World Cup gracing our screens over the next two months, I’m again confronted with one of the smaller challenges of having a dual nationality.  A Belgian who emigrated to Australia as a teen, and who obtained dual citizenship, became a “Belgalian” or “Austrelgian” if you will. Add in the fact that I now live in France married to a football-lovin’ Frenchman, and of course my support has branched off to a third party. Our spot in the fan-zone, however, is not the main challenge one might face when being a citizen of two or more countries, as the issue can go a lot deeper than which team to support.

1. ‘Supporting’ your country in events (let’s start on a lighter note)

Some people find it hard to understand that one can back two or more teams. Some die-hard fans might find it hard to accept that you’re not totally committed to only one side and even view it as ‘disloyal’. When it comes to football – and I mean the ‘real’ football where they actually use their feet *oh snap* 😝 – I tend to lean more to my Belgian roots, perhaps because the sport has been culturally more popular there. But that doesn’t stop me from waving the Southern Cross like a maniac when it’s the Aussies’ turn. And of course, during other games the Blues have got my full support as well. Being attached to several countries means you can pick and choose when you support your respective countries. They might have strengths in different areas and why not celebrate all of those, because … well… we can 🙂

2. Cultural Education 

Some might question whether allowing dual citizenship disrupts cultural assimilation and degrades national identity. Integration into another country’s culture and identity is part of the expat or migrant’s life, but that doesn’t mean your own customs don’t take a small hit once in a while with the occasional culture clash, depending on where you live. My European tendency to give everyone a kiss on the cheek as I greet them, got a few raised eyebrows in Australia at first (why does she need to go around to all 10 people at the dinner party? ) Much like how the Anglo-saxon influence in my upbringing hasn’t always been well understood here in France. (Why does she feel the need to talk to random strangers, why do they eat and go to bed so early, or why does she love Halloween so much?) You’re trying to wade your way through a mixing pot of cultural habits, things you’ve learnt in one country but not the other and so on. Despite all that, as a dual citizen, you have the advantages of that mixing pot and being immersed in the culture of two or more countries. Not only does this enhance a certain open-mindedness as you learn about different histories, languages and ways of life; but it allows for you to put an individual spin on how you combine the best of these worlds into your own life. It’s truly a gift if you ask me.

3. Emotional Attachment  

To what extent do people who have more than one understanding of national identity feel a sense of belonging? For many of us multi-nationals, national identity is a blend of factors. Family history, community, spirituality, personal experience, political views, ethnicity and actual citizenship are only to name a few. For those who obtained a second citizenship through a previous generation, balancing national identity and emotional attachment may not affect their day to day lives. However, for others, the link to family heritage and cultural identity is not necessarily dropped when obtaining a second nationality. We sometimes question ourselves on where we might fit in more, or which culture we truly identify with, but do we need to choose in the first place?

For some of us, being a dual national means identifying with our immediate surroundings. Dual citizen Elizabeth states “I connect to where I am. When in France, I feel more French, as being here means I’m immersed in all the things that make me French. Just like being back in the US makes me feel more American than ever.” Others might have an opposite impulse and lean on their emotional attachment when they are out of that broader environment. I tend to refer more to my European background when I’m in Australia, but defend Down Under with a fiery passion if anyone ever has anything to say about it in France. The dual identities and harmonizing one’s loyalty become part our lives (even expats with only the one nationality could relate to this I’m sure). Despite the differences between all of our countries though, many of us have found a home in both (or more) places.

4. ‘Political’ backlash 

In some cases, those who think of themselves as the core citizens of a nation find something unsettling in the notion of a fellow-citizen who is also of another citizenship and nationality. They view nationality as a distinctive status of their nation, which implies connection to that nation, rather than simply the legal tie. As a blue-eyed, blonde Caucasian I haven’t had too many troubles with this issue, but plenty of loved ones around me have had to deal with others’ ignorance and hostility over the years. There are unfortunately still a large number of people who see themselves as the historical ‘natives’ and therefore perceive immigrant ‘outsiders’ as a threat to the fabric of their national identity. Comments like “well if you miss it so much, why don’t you just go back” or “that’s not how we do it here, take it or leave it” sadly only sound too familiar and don’t come from just the one place…. this stuff’s everywhere.

Luckily, the above is only one point of view and many others embrace the cultural differences brought with each new citizen. Accommodating multiple identities does not mean we have to abandon our cultural heritage. In many democratic societies, people are free to follow and share their beliefs and traditions as long as they do not break the laws of that country (seems fair enough). We need to value this freedom and role model treating others with mutual respect, regardless of country of origin, gender, race, sexual preference, politics, wealth or religion.

 

7 ways to work through a broken heart

(* feature image cropped from a Juan Felipe Rubio: http://rubiobuitrago.com/)

I can honestly say that one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to endure is a broken heart. Sounds just a tad bit dramatic right? I know, but hear me out…  When losing loved ones, moving countries, going through surgery, etc., I could rationalise to a certain extent ‘why’ some of these things happened. It made working through them a little easier (now I didn’t say “easy”, I said “easierrrr”). It’s not a competition of which one hurts the most, but with a broken heart, I feel people are often left with a whole bunch of questions that are likely never to get answers… and it’s that inability for closure part that seems to be the kicker for most.

Without my fair share of the occasional crush-like heartaches and the agonizing experience of an actual ‘broken heart’ I probably wouldn’t have become the person I am today. Although my heart has long recovered since then, it’s not something you completely forget. My heart may no longer be broken, but I’d say it will always be just a little bit bruised, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I will never regret the ones I once loved; because, back in the day, they were exactly what I needed.

What is a broken heart?

A broken heart is more of a metaphor for intense emotional, and sometimes physical, stress or pain one feels at experiencing a great longing (thanks Wikipedia). It’s something we can find cross culturally, and although it can very well apply to the loss of a loved one, it’s more commonly references to the desire or loss of a lover. Some emotional pain can be so severe it even causes actual, physical damage to your heart known as ‘broken heart syndrome’ (what a way to make your ex feel guilty with that one, huh!).  A broken heart can present itself in many different ways from eating a tub of ice cream in front of the TV, calling your friends in tears for 2 weeks straight (okay, a month straight), beating the crap out of a boxing bag at the gym or drunk texting your ex at 3 am (which, I promise, is never a good idea).

But despite the heartache and going through a shitty time, I still very much agree with Tennyson’s famous “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all“. It might not feel like it at the time, but eventually you’ll get to a place where you can look back on your time together with fondness and, who knows, even remain friends. Others might prefer looking back with slight rage and never see the person again in their life which works too … whatever floats your boat really. The point is, there are ways to move passed it and continue your life with their part just no longer in it.

Below are a few trialled and tested ways, by myself and some friends, that have gotten us through dealing with our own, broken hearts.

1. Grab the pain by the horns

Dive into the deep-end and accept that you will have to go through a rough patch. If you loved someone enough to be heartbroken, it’s unrealistic to think you won’t suffer a little bit. Of course it is easier said than done to just stand there and take it. But that is exactly what we must do. You have to grieve in order to move on as it’s a natural part of the healing process. Any psychologist would tell you that you need to go through the issue and not around it. If you go around it, it will eventually rear its ugly head somewhere else. While grabbing the pain by the horn, eventually it will tire and loose its grip on you.

2. Talk it out

Going through a heartbreak doesn’t get the same acknowledgment as a death in the family for example. We don’t get time off work, and people give us sympathy as we all deal with the loss together. Some people tend to minimise a broken heart (especially if they ‘ve never experienced one themselves or they have forgotten what it’s like). It’s important to surround yourself with people who are understanding which can give you the support you need as well as distract you from the current situation.  Ask any of my closest friends, because they have been my shoulder to cry on for years. Having people accept the pain with me helped me better work through it; and having friends strong enough to give me the occasional mental slap-in-the-face helped me keep things in perspective when I got stuck in a dramatic cycle.

After on-and-offing it with someone close to me for years, without him wanting to fully commit, I came home in tears for the umpteenth time. My roommate, who had had a first row seat to it all, in the end – and quite firmly- said: “You know what Stef. It’s just not good enough”. That one little sentence flicked a sudden switch in my brain that showed me I obviously needed more than what this relationship was giving me. I thought I was in love, but perhaps I had grown more in love with the ‘idea of him’ over the years. Safe to say it’s what I finally needed to hear in order to start the process of walking away from that situation once and for all.

3. You’re responsible for your own happiness

Happiness is a choice and nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. It’s a powerful thing to have, your happiness, and we shouldn’t assign anyone else that much power over our life. It doesn’t come to you, it needs to come from you. Heck, some might need to ‘fake it before we make it’ to retrieve some of that happiness, but eventually it does come back to you….  if you let it.

4. Cry

As a psychologist and as a friend, I always encourage people to cry it out! My favourite metaphor is the ever-filling bucket of water we call ‘life’. We continually have things pour into our bucket and then stress-manage our way into maintaining a reasonable balance by letting some of the water out. Some days however, that bucket flows over, and we need to make some space. Crying literally does that for us!  Biochemist William Frey, who has spent 15 years as head of a research team studying tears, came to the conclusion that emotional tears (as compared to tears of irritation, like when you cut an onion) contain toxic biochemical byproducts. Crying removes these toxic substances and relieves emotional stress. So go grab a box of Kleenex and cry your little heart out! (I’m about to contradict myself with point 5 below, but listening to that ‘one song’ can help get the weeping process started. Just make sure you turn the song off once the tears flow.) A pitty party can be useful, just don’t let it overstay its welcome.

5. Change some of your habits

The main issue with being broken-hearted is that we seem to relive our misery over and over again. We listen to music that reminds us of our ex, we check out their social network account, or in some cases we still see them ‘intimately’ without the commitment (which really is just a way to hang on to them for as long as we can because we’re just not ready to let go). Regardless of how it happens, we end up being locked into a repeating dysfunctional pattern of behaviour. Without perhaps realising it, you have programmed yourself to feel a certain sense of grief every time you hear ‘that song’ or are confronted with a picture of them on Facebook.  Our pain has now become a mental habit, and this habit, must be broken. We need to try and find ways to break those mental connections by turning off the music that reminds us of them, staying off social media (or at least their account), and for Pete’s sake stop sleeping with them !! The changes you make don’t have to be permanent (well…. except for the sleeping together part), but their aim is to break up the old associations and give you a new environment for your new part in life. Even if it’s as minimal as moving around some furniture, changing your perfume or deleting their number, changing something now will already make a difference.
Getting away from the situation, be it temporary, can also help us regain some perspective and recharge our batteries. Not everyone can afford a lavish holiday away to get over a relationship, which is why a friend of mine rented a cheap little cabin in the woods for a few days and spent her time hiking in nature. “After a while I felt a little creeped out being out in the woods on my own, but at least it took my mind off the other things for a few days” she chuckles.

6. Exercise

This might sound like such a cliché on dealing with any kind of emotional distress, but thousands of health professionals and lifestyle blogs wouldn’t keep encouraging you to exercise if it didn’t significantly help with managing our emotions!

Elnaz remembers a past break-up left her feeling unable to control the situation, which turned her to exercise. She hired a trainer and took control of the one thing she could… her own body and her own motivation. “My trainer made me feel strong again and built up my self-worth” she states. “They showed me I could have control again in a time where it didn’t feel I did (and as a bonus I worked on a ‘revenge body’ where I turned out feeling and looking better than what I did before).”

Anna, on the other hand, turned to yoga. After a break-up she happened to find herself in a yoga class which helped her put things in perspective and acknowledge that her happiness was hers to maintain (as we covered earlier). “You focus on yourself and not the forces around you that you can’t control” she explains.

7. Feel some kindness towards your ex

This might not always be easy depending on how and why you ended your relationship, especially at first; but it’s not about keeping in touch with an ex or being best buddies. It’s about letting go of any anger and wishing them well in life. From where I stand, just because a relationship didn’t work out romantically doesn’t always mean it has to end completely. I was good friends before with my ex and although we may never be the best of buds again, I wasn’t prepared to delete our friendship entirely. Of course, I needed a chunk of time to pass by before I could truly feel good about being in contact with him again, but time, for us, did seem to heal most wounds. My situation might not work for everyone, and all this can be done in your own mind, you don’t need to call them to wish them happiness, but it can help bring balance and peace to our own inner consciousness.

And remember to love again…

Once our hearts are bruised and battered from a relationship that ended, we have two options: we can close off pieces of our heart so that no one will be able to get back inside. Or we can love again. Deeply, just as intensely as we did before. Henri Nouwen urges to love again because he believes the more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper.

It sure as shit doesn’t feel like it at the time, but the pain of rejection/absence can, in fact, become constructive, you just need to be open to taking that risk again…

Coping with Grief: A New Approach

Going through grief is universal and is experienced across cultures and by people from all walks of life. Grief happens in response to the death of a loved one, loss of a lover/friend, moving countries, losing a job, significant life changes and much more. Grief can be experienced on different levels and in different stages, a concept further developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross back in 1969. Although Kubler-Ross’ model has been widely recognized and since adapted to include 7 stages, new studies show that grievers generally don’t follow the 5 basic stages in a standard fashion.

Kubler-Ross initially developed ‘the 5 stages of grief’ for patients coming to terms with a terminal illness, which was later extended to the grieving family and friends who appeared to be going through a similar process. Kubler-Ross’s model gradually broke down some of the stigma around grief, allowing for people to talk more openly about their loss. However, rather than following the 5 stages by the book, recent studies have shown that people generally experience grief in a far more haphazard way. Some rush through the first few and head straight to depression … others might drag their feet… and some even jump back and forth between all or some of the stages. The unfortunate by-product of having such a widely accepted, but firm, belief in this model is that people often think they are ‘not grieving right’ if they don’t go through the motions like everyone else.

Grief is a unique concept and although we might share a lot of similarities in how we cope with it, everyone grieves differently determined by each situation, the type of loss, the people involved, the stage of life we find ourselves in at the time, past experiences and many more factors that affect the way we process grief and recover from loss.

The ingrained ‘5 stages’ model 

1. Denial – the defence mechanism our minds create to cushion the immediate shock of the loss, essentially numbing our emotions for a moment. For many people it’s a temporary state that helps us through the first wave of pain.
2. Anger – an emotion we are most used to managing, often covering up underlying feelings like fear, uncertainty, despair and frustration.
3. Bargaining – the hope/wish for life to return to how it was before the loss as well as bargaining the find a way to avoid feeling the pain all together
4. Depression – when reality truly does hit and the grief enters our life on a much deeper level.
5. Acceptance – this can often be confused with the notion that everything is ‘fine’. It’s not about being okay with the current loss, rather this stage is about accepting the reality of the situation

Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief are still very valuable and a quintessential authority in managing grief today; but should be seen more as guidelines rather than the ‘norm’. The concept of the above stages happening in sequence, meaning people must progress from stage 1 through to 5, can be very limiting to many going through grief.  It runs the risk of making people feel that they are not grieving correctly if they haven’t experience all of the five stages.

Not everyone needs help coping with loss 

There is a misguided notion that grief is a process that needs to be worked through with the help of others (e.g.: grief counselling) in order to truly ‘get over it’. Although working through emotions brought up by grief does help (I’m a psychologist after all, we’re here for a reason), one doesn’t just ‘get over’ loss. The pain might eventually die down, but we can’t erase emotional memories, and why should we? People in general are resilient enough to process and recover from grief on their own, and although a support network doesn’t hurt, it is not a prerequisite.

The unnecessary concept of ‘letting go’ 

As mentioned before, we don’t just ‘get over’ loss and erase a painful memory, although it does become an inviting concept when/if going through the bargaining stage. Rather than trying to find ways to ‘move on’ and gain closure, it would be more beneficial to find a continuing bond with the loss that will help us manage it better whenever it rears its ugly head in the future. This can be done through remembering the good times, looking at how we have grown from the loss or lessons we may have learnt since then. We don’t necessarily have to ‘let go’ of the grief but rather ‘move on’ by developing our own emotional and psychological tools to cope with the loss now and later.

Mindfulness and grief 

Mindfulness is about regaining balance between the overwhelming emotions related to loss and avoiding these emotions all together because they are just too painful. It’s a process that takes time and doesn’t come in stages, but instead involves opening ourselves to the uncomfortable/painful emotions that are part of dealing with loss through grief. Mindful ways of doing this can include consciously observing said emotions and allowing them to simply be there as they are, and be present with them. Accepting that such feelings are there doesn’t mean they no longer cause us distress and can still be very painful. The objective is for the emotional consequences of these feelings to no longer block us from our ability to function as we find a ‘new’ way to live life after the loss we experienced. Much like a deep wound that has long healed, there can always be a scar, and things will be different, but fundamentally all right.

Although there is no ‘normal’ way to grieve, grieving itself is a normal part of life. Although ‘getting over it and letting go’ might have the best intentions, a much more realistic goal for our grief is resilience.  This doesn’t mean getting back to who we were before our loss, but learning and growing from our experiences.