5 Reasons why putting our kids to bed ‘early” makes them (and us) happier

Our two young daughters go to bed at 7 and 7.30 pm pretty much every night with the odd exception. We’re creatures of habit in our household and living in a country of free spiritedness, a somewhat caricature blind eye for punctuality and people who generally go to bed quite late; you can imagine it hasn’t always been the easiest ride. Words like ‘a set bedtime’, ‘schedule’ and ‘planning’ are often jokingly referred to as ‘very Anglo-Saxon’.

It is ofcourse a matter of everyone’s own culture and habits and I’m a firm advocate in letting parents just do their own thing when it comes to raising their kids.  Like any article, I’m not writing this to prove a point nor to discredit people who put their children to bed later. Each to their own for sure! I write about what I experience and what I’ve researched, and share it with others to do with it how they please.

So why do I like to ‘hang on’ to our schedule as much as possible?  That’s because our kids are happier and more fun to be around when I stick with a consistent (and, to some, an early) bedtime and nap times. Research repeatedly shows that putting kids to bed early is beneficial for their physical, emotional, and cognitive development. Not only do kids tend to sleep more when the lights go out sooner, but they also may get a greater proportion of restorative sleep, too (M.Wener Moyer,2016). And I’ll be honest; early bedtimes are also great for our own sanity as their parents. We love our children more than anything in the world, but we also love each other and need our grown-up time (and no I don’t always mean ‘that’, get your minds out of the gutter 😉

Does this mean my children sleep better than other kids? Probably not, but what I’ve learned so far is that each child is different and having a good sleeper is like winning the lottery. What it does mean is that both our girls respond well to having their routine and going to bed around a certain time seems to work for all of us. If they don’t fall asleep straight away, they’re at least resting in their beds until they do. We’re of course still tired (like any parents of children under the age of 5) and we’re no stranger to a bad night here and there, but in the scheme of thing, sleeping is not a problematic issue in our house. (Tantrums because mommy laid out the wrong socks… now that’s another story…).

Below are some of the key points we tend to follow that have worked best for us and that we live by, giving us well rested younglings and a certain sense of sanity ourselves as their parents.

1. The Kind of Sleep they get  

There are a number of studies that have shown children who go to bed earlier subsequently sleep longer. Pediatrician and author Marc Weissbluth states “when a child sleeps is probably as important or maybe more important as how much”. (Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, 1987) That’s because the sleep that happens earlier in the night tends to be more restorative than sleep that takes place later at night and in the early morning. So putting your kid to bed early may ensure that a higher proportion of their sleep is a more restful kind (M. Wenner Moyer, 2016).

2. Bedtime routine as a well-oiled machine 

The one thing our kids like the most about their bedtime is that they know what to expect. The routine of: cleaning up their toys, brushing their teeth, reading a bedtime story and lights out straight after has become second nature. Does this mean they go to bed like robots without putting up a fight? Actually, luckily the 1 year old still does yes, so I’ll ride that train for as long as I can.  However, our 4 year old daughter has recently started testing this out to see if she could squeeze in another story or she wants another drink (which often she gets). But despite giving in to some of her demands, she stays in bed and won’t come back downstairs. Bedtime stays bedtime, even if they don’t fall asleep straight away.

3. Understanding and Working with the Internal clock     

My husband and I both work, so we’re all dressed and ready to go at 7.30 am each morning. As our girls generally wake up some time between 6.30 and 7 am, this suits us just fine. Fast forward to the weekend and we wished that wake-up times would extend by  just a few hours. After a busy week a ‘sleep-in’ would be the bees knees, but we had to quickly accept that children don’t differentiate the week from the weekend, especially when it comes to sleeping. We determined that, given a choice, early wake ups on the weekend and watching them play from the couch trumped grumpy and rushed kids during the week anytime.

We’ve often been given the advice to simply put the children to bed later if we want them to sleep longer the next day, and we’ve tried this on numerous occasions. It makes sense; as adults or even teenagers we love a good sleep-in after going to bed later, however it doesn’t work that way for young ones. “Again, the internal clock is a powerful force that typically wakes young children up around the same time every morning, no matter what time they go to sleep at night,” says Dr. Meltzer. By keeping our children up late, they miss their initial sleep cues and become ‘over tired’ which then leads to a longer battle to fall asleep, subsequently leaving them crankier the day after. So unless there’s a special event (like big family gatherings, holidays etc) we tend to stick to our usual times to give them the 10-12 hours of sleep they need.

4. Reducing stress before bed 

Another trigger that can possibly impact sleep (for everyone) is the stress hormone: cortisol. When our cortisol levels are high it prevents our bodies from calming down and going to sleep. A good way to try and avoid excess amounts of cortisol before bedtime is to keep activities before bed low key, calm and fairly quiet. I’m not suggesting you set up a meditation hut in your living room, but perhaps the ‘dance party’ could wait until morning…?

5. Allow for trial, error and growth 

None of our routines, tricks and tips happened overnight and a lot of the things that do work for our children were found through trial and error. As mentioned earlier, each child is different, and some routines might work wonders on one child and miss another. The key is to establish what works for you as a family unit and building your habits and routines from there.

Routines also change considerably as our children grow, experience different daily activities, develop their own interests and fears and, just like us, start to process and reflect on the day they just had… all of which can impact their sleep.

A number of studies over the years have developed sleep recommendations for children according to age based on a 24-hour period (including nap times for the younger ones):

Infants 4-12 months: 12-16 hours of sleep

Kids 1-2 years old: 11-14 hours of sleep

Kids 3-5 years old: 10-13 hours of sleep a night

Kid 6-12 years old: 9-12 hours of sleep a night

Adolescents 13-18 years old: 8-10 hours of sleep a night

When looking at these guidelines, perhaps we should ask ourselves if our children are getting the amount of sleep their body really needs rather than stressing at what time we’re putting them to bed.

Look at your own routines/schedules and what works for you and your family. At our house we’re dressed and ready to go by 7.30 am for school/work so perhaps our ‘early’ bedtime of 7-7.30 pm isn’t so crazy after all? ;)!

Good luck and good night !!

“Screen-time” for our kids: Is it really as bad as some fear it to be?

This article has not been written to encourage nor discourage the use of ‘screen time’ with our children. Each parent does their own, which is something I respect more than anything ! Some close to me allow their children screen time, some moderate it and some even block it from their younger ones all together. All of them are good and loving parents with smart and happy children. I’m not suggesting that all digital media is great, there are legitimate reasons that worry about the content and overuse of screens. But rather than completely closing them off, I wanted to focus on where these screens fit in with all the other things we do to develop, grow, encourage and stimulate our children? I wanted to take a closer look at the ways to a “balance in the force” if you will…

Parenting these days, consists of constantly receiving conflicting information encouraging us to do certain things, which subsequently change a year later warning us ‘not‘ to do those same things anymore.  Like how swaddling comforts our babies, but then again no it could choke them and they’ll die ; or put them in their beds on their backs, no their stomachs, I mean their sides … or they’ll die; a teething necklace how original and attachment oriented… nope… wait a second…. it could choke them and.. you guessed it… they’ll die!

When I was a new mom with baby nr. one, I spent the first 18 months worrying I’d kill my daughter if we didn’t follow advice or heaven forbid wanted to ‘trust our gut’ on certain things. With the second one we had thankfully calmed down a bit, and she pretty much plays in a sandpit of broken glass now whilst suckling on an old hairbrush …. (that, my friends, was a joke…).

1. The ‘Where and How’ of screens 

Screens are pretty much a part of life now and based on the rate at which technology is growing, it’s only going to increase. I agree that the over-use of screens are not particularly beneficial, but I also agree that screens are not necessarily the technological evil that turns our children into passive little fatties. If we threw a tablet at a 4 year old, or left them in front of the TV all day without any conversation around it nor monitoring of the content, sure.. we’d be creating consumers who would click, slide and drag their way through life. But if we moderated their screen time,  filtered out and distinguished programs that educate, motivate and teach our children about technology through play.. you could say that we would be turning those consumers into little creators themselves.

The idea of when to introduce screens to our children ofcourse seems to be widely debated with some stating it’s never too early to learn and others holding off for as long as they can.. I’ll be honest, I myself think it’s a personal choice and neither one will detrimentally screw up your child nor turn them into a gifted individual either.

2. Challenging our perception of screens 

Often we feel guilty when we’ve plopped our kids in front of the television in order to prep dinner, take a shower or heck… I’ll admit it… just to have a little peace and quiet for five minutes. We feel we need to be there to teach them everything they need to know and the idea of a screen ‘babysitting’ our child can often leave us feeling a bit anxious or stressed.

If we change our negative perception of screens we open ourselves up to the potential for good they might have. Instead of seeing it as a ‘digital babysitter’ to shut up our child, we start seeing and using it a as an occasional tool to promote emotional and intellectual growth.

Sara DeWitt (head of PBS Kids Digital) often refers to the example of Fred Rogers in her articles and conferences. In a time where television was fairly new (and even back then the anxiety around ‘screen time’ was already very real) Fred Rogers was the creator of the popular children’s tv show ‘Mr Roger’s neighborhood’ in the US. He saw television as a tool for children to learn and grow and developed a new style where he would look directly into the camera, pause and ‘wait’ for the children to interact with him. A style we often see now in children programs such as Dora the Explorer Sesame Street and Daniel Tiger. This style has given young children the perception that they are part of the program and that the characters are in fact talking to them personally. We might know that’s not the case, but a 3 year old luckily still has that sense of wonder going for them.

3. Everything in Moderation and Balance 

In our house, the television is an occasional tool used to educate, entertain and motivate our two daughters (aged 1 and 4). As they are multilingual children, the languages of the programs we choose also help us in exposing them to a certain language more when needed (for example: I speak Dutch, my husband French and although we speak English together, it’s the language our kids hear the least at this stage as we live in France). Peppa Pig, Dora the Explorer and the Australian Wiggles have contributed considerably to their English vocabulary. Such programs have also aided in teaching them about politeness, empathy, curiosity and dance at the same time.

In saying that, things like outside play, reading and writing, arts and crafts, socializing and face to face conversation/lessons/etc are still very important and key in the emotional, physical, and educational development of our children and should never be put aside no matter how much our world changes. The television in our house is merely a tool, it is not what predominantly educates our children, that’s still on us.

4. The Importance of Content 

Balance is not only important in the time we give to screens but also in its content. Games or TV shows don’t always have to be a waste of time and many have been developed to promote real learning. For example, research studies have shown that certain Math games (like Curious George, Odd Squad etc) have taught kids real math skills. PBS Kids informs us that their development partners at UCLA even believe that games can help us understand more about a child’s critical thinking skills than a standardized test can. With the increased pressure of constantly testing our children, often resulting in testing anxiety and “pigeon-holing” kids, couldn’t that be another way for teachers to have a better insight into student learning (PBS Digital, 2016).

5. Screens won’t isolate your children as long as you don’t either 

As a psychologist I can’t stress enough how important it is to really communicate with your child on a regular basis. No matter how little or how much time they spend in front of a screen. We need to talk with our children about themselves, their emotions, their questions, their theories, their fears, you name it! Although we use tools to help us parent, they need to know we’re interested in their lives, in both the big and the small, sometimes seemingly trivial stuff. This includes talking about what they see and use on screens…

In recent years, there have been various studies that show that certain programs or educational games have aided in teaching children general knowledge, language and literacy as well as social-emotional growth. However, these studies also showed that the benefit was stronger when the parents spoke with their children about what they watched. Neither just watching nor just talking about the topic was enough, the combination was key (Texas Tech University, 2016). I can see how a child could become isolated if they are planted in front of a screen, for long periods of time, with no other interactions. Nevertheless, within an age-appropriate time limit and content, we can use such programs to add into our daily interactions. For example, a child might learn through an app how birds fly, what stops us from taking them for a walk in the park afterwards to see the real deal? The other day we spoke with our daughters about sharing with each other, you can imagine their delight when ‘Peppa Pig’ had the same talk with her parents after getting into a fight with her little brother George (yes the cartoon).

If we talk with them about what they learn and see it could help us better understand their insights, show an interest in who they are and (in my case at least) they might even teach us a thing or two!

So do I have it all figured out now that I’ve done some research and written this article? Not even close! I am learning every day as they grow into little individuals within an ever changing world that, frankly, sometimes I struggle to keep up with.

I wanted (in a way) to ‘defend’ myself against those who might see parents who use screen time, as possibly lazy or distant. I wanted to encourage those who do use screens to do so in moderation but to not feel ashamed about it. But I also wanted to applaud those who avoid screens and spend all that extra time on education with their children, I truly wish I had more of it sometimes.

 

 

 

The Psychology behind New Year’s Resolutions and Changing our Habits

Why do people make New Year resolutions

Often New Year’s Eve is seen as the party to sign off on the past and the 1st of January (after a possible hangover for some) signifies the clean slate. We’re ready to launch our new, better selves into the new year and dive into the new year resolutions we so energetically set up for ourselves a few weeks ago. So why do so many of us fail in the first few months leaving us feeling discouraged and ready to postpone those resolutions to a later date?

Dr Anding from the Baylore College of Medicine says, “January 1st signifies a new beginning. However, each day allows for a new beginning, and hence it is a reset”. The concept of having a start date (Jan 1st) tricks our brain into thinking there might also be an end date as well, whereas a reset allows for us to develop better habits over a period of time (with trials and errors along the way). If we ‘fail’ in our reset, we just boot things back up again the next day.

The question isn’t to not make any resolutions, but why wait until New Years? Start tomorrow, even better, start today! If you’re feeling particularly motivated to implement a resolution in the new year, why not continue to ride that motivational wave? There will always be a ‘but’, an excuse to start later, so why not start now ?!

The psychology of habits

“Within the field of psychology, habits refer to behaviors that are provoked somewhat automatically in response to cues embedded in the environment “(Clayton R Cook, PhD). Some examples of such habits are washing hands (behavior) after using the toilet (environmental cue), or putting on exercise clothes (behavior) quickly after turning off your alarm clock and getting out of bed (environmental cue). Habits form out of repetition, and while we try to introduce new behaviours (eg: being more active) we tend to not repeat them enough to form a habit
Our habits and behavioural changes have been widely studied over the years and more and more studies have resulted in a vast knowledge base on the impacts that can effectively change our behaviours.
We need cues in our environment to trigger the desired new behaviour. In order to achieve this we need to first become aware of our behaviour and what triggers it. Once we are aware of the behaviour we are trying to change, it is up to us to embed new cues that pose as an alternative to our previous triggers.
For example, if you’re trying to stop snacking between meals:

1) identify for yourself when you’re more likely to open that fridge.

2) If you’re more likely to snack later at night, stick a post-it on the door telling yourself to have a drink of water or tea first.

3) By setting up more and more of these alternative cues and triggers, you’re slowly developing a different behaviour aka the new habit you’re trying to form.

Small, incremental lifestyle changes may not feel like the ‘new you’ ready to launch into the next year, but they have a much greater chance of creating real change. Moderating your resolutions could be the difference between giving up in March and creating a lasting lifestyle change.
When resolutions become too ambitious, we struggle to change our habits, become discouraged when we fail and ultimately give up altogether. So instead of making tough-love resolutions with no room for error this year, increase your chances for long-term success by approaching your goals as a reset and taking each day at a time with trial and error of what does and doesn’t work for you. Did you end up snacking late last night? No problem, re-evaluate why your new cue didn’t work and try a different approach.

What steps can I take to stick to my New Year resolutions if I do make them?

Be realistic
Perfection is unattainable. You won’t loose 5 kilos, quit smoking, be a nicer person or go to the gym every day, by the first week of January (and if you do, you’re 80% more likely to gain those kilos back, have a smoke and yell at a stranger a few short weeks later). Be realistic in the goals you set for yourself… rather than setting a number on the amount of weight you want loose, focus on the behaviours that promote healthy weightloss instead and work from there.

What is attainable for you? If you want to go to the gym every day but you know you get busy at work, set yourself a more realistic goal first (eg: twice a week) and build your way up to that full week from there. Building up from 2 days of fitness to 4, is a lot more motivational than cutting down from 7.

Change one behaviour at a time
This doesn’t mean you can’t focus on different behaviours at the same time. Trying to be more active usually goes hand in hand with eating healthier and exercising more etc. But rather than perfecting all those behavioural changes in one take, focus on the one that you prioritized. Let the other relapses slide by for now, as you’ll get to them once you’ve strengthened your first new behavioural pattern.

Allow for Relapse 

As mentioned before, if you strive for perfection from the get-go, you’re only setting yourself up to fail. We learn from our mistakes and relapses help us to identify our triggers that cause us to ‘mess up’ in the first place and encourage us to develop our new (and improved) behavioural cues that will result into our new habit after enough repetition.
Encouraging ourselves to do better and to learn through trial and error (almost the same way we would when dealing with a child) is far more effective than self criticism and self loathing. Telling yourself ‘what didn’t work for me there, and how I can avoid it next time’ will help you more at establishing a new habit than say ‘you idiot, why did you have that brownie, now the plan is ruined’.

Accountability (tell someone) 
Often telling someone else about our plans will give us a certain sense of culpability that we need to achieve our goals not only for us but for them as well. On the other hand, some of us just want to save face and not be seen as a quitter to others. Whatever works for you, the idea is that you are not alone in this mission .
Seek Support 

The above point brings us to not only telling people about your plans, but to seek support in how you’ll work to achieve it. Perhaps someone has gone through a similar process and might have some useful tips to share. Some of our triggers might be more noticeable to others and hence easier to identify if we speak with them about it….and sometimes you just need someone to vent to when the urge to eat junk, have a cigarette, spend money or any other ‘bad’ habits you’re trying to improve, rear their ugly heads.
Know your obstacles

Just as much as knowing your limits in setting realistic goals, be mindful of the obstacles that often get in the way of our wish to change certain habits. ‘Limits’ talk about things we cannot always control (eg: we might want to spend every day in the gym but only have the time or money to go twice a week; we might want to have the body of a super model but are built like an opera singer instead, …) limits make us work with what we’ve got. Obstacles, on the other hand, are things we can often manage and work on (eg: I eat when I’m bored, I smoke when I’m stressed, I spend money when I’m sad). These are things we can manage and learn to control by finding cues and alternatives to each obstacle as they pop up along the way (eg: drink some water when bored, go for a walk when stressed and call a friend when sad)
Habits are not changed overnight, like much else in life, practice and repetition makes perfect! Good luck to you all, if you already have some resolutions in mind, why not start today and walk into the new year already on your way to new and improved habits 🙂

A ‘battle of the Sexes’ or is it really?

As I don’t mind the challenge of diving into a controversial topic once in a while, please note that this blog post has been written as an opinion piece, solely from the point of view of the writer (and some of the writer’s friends 😉  I wanted to discuss the so-called ‘battle of the sexes’ and how I’m starting to feel that the true battles women (and men) deal with on a daily basis are increasingly being dominated and (falsely) linked with an ever growing hype of over-sensitivity and Femi-Nazism (a term used to describe ‘radical feminists’).

I feel the word ‘feminism’ has been tainted. What started as a movement for gender equality seems to be overshadowed by the ‘extreme feminist’ who views anyone who thinks differently as the enemy. It’s a darn shame, because true feminism does not condemn men for being the cause of everything bad in the world nor does it encourage us to storm the streets in our bras because ‘no man will ever tell me what to wear!’ They are the reason why a lot of us are shying away from modern feminism and referring to ourselves more as “equalists” rather than “feminists”.

I don’t believe one sex is superior to the other. We all excel in different areas of life and other than some biological perks (like carrying a child, the ability to have multiple orgasms or peeing standing up) I don’t think our gender is the main contributor to our strengths nor our weaknesses.

An Example: The recent (increased) awareness of sexual harassment

After the recent Weinstein scandal, an increased awareness of sexual harassment and abuse spread on social media like wildfire, with women worldwide sharing their stories. This triggered a huge rethink of attitudes towards sexual harassment in and outside the workplace. Here in France, gender equality Minister Schiappa kicked off nationwide consultations over a law due to be completed early next year that will include steps to fight sexual harassment on the streets as well (Reuters, Oct 2017).

I see this law as an excellent step forward to ‘outing’ this kind of behavior and creating a zero tolerance to any kind of violence and harassment. However, as I mentioned earlier, our often hyper-sensitive society (who just loooves to get so easily offended these days) seems to be creating a blurred image of what exactly the term ‘harassment ‘stands for, consequently obstructing (rather than helping) the essential goal of such a law.

When interviewing people to get some background for this blog post, I was met with a range of opinions to try and get a holistic view on the topic. The one opinion that seemed to repeat itself continuously, however, was the fact that some radicals had jumped on the hype wagon and had derailed this whole ‘harassment thing’ off its original course, turning it into a witch hunt at work and on the street, taking away from those who truly had had a genuine, traumatic experience.

Some had the concern that their own harassment/assault claims would no longer be taken seriously, because of the “hype” (really?? All this work and bravery from people sharing their stories, only for it to be seen as ‘hype’?) Others stated they are now reluctant to even joke around in the workplace out of fear it would be interpreted as harassment.  This is the exact opposite of what was intended, and I blame the radical side, as well as and the rest who are being swept up in the hype along with them.

It’s important to differentiate between what is ‘annoying’ and what is ‘harassment’.  Harassment is generally identified as a course of conduct which annoys, threatens, intimidates, alarms or puts a person in fear of their safety.  Whereas annoying someone, albeit a pain in the ass, is not intended to hurt or scare anyone; it may actually be unintentional.

This is where people are getting concerned that ‘radical feminists’ might blur the two together and anything now is open for interpretation. A man whistling at a woman on the street (or vice versa, because that happens too) is not the same thing as a man physically grabbing a woman on the street or hindering her way to intimidate her. Asking someone out at a bar (or if you’re brave enough, at work) should not be immediately seen as harassment (if the answer is no and the person persists, then we’re getting into that grey area) but don’t persecute someone for having a fair go at first. And last but not least, if someone’s behavior is in a grey area and you’re not sure if they intended to make you feel uncomfortable, there is nothing wrong with telling the person directly how you feel. Easier said than done I know, but don’t send poor Joe to Human Resources straight away if you didn’t like his borderline sexist joke …

Being annoying is well…. annoying… but it is not a crime. People need to remember when you accuse someone of sexual assault, it’s a big deal!

Gender Stereotypes have changed

I am lucky to have been raised by a set of parents who took on the task of raising a family and living life as a team. Never was the sentence “that’s a woman/man’s job” uttered in our household, nor were we ever actively raised that all things should be equal… things just were. I’m aware that that may not have been the case for everyone, but I’d like to think that my generation (the microgeneration between Gen Y and X) has already seen a huge shift in gender stereotypes while growing up.

In general, men today, are not who they were two generations ago. They do not expect their meals to be on the table, they actively contribute in parenting duties (including poopy diapers), and although some might dabble and joke around, none of them truly expect to be living out an episode of ‘Mad Men’.

Just like that, nobody gasps in shock either when a woman dives under the car and changes a tire, decided to choose a career over family or is the main breadwinner at home.

We’re all living together as a team, making up for each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Sure, we don’t always see eye to eye, but we’re making it work.

I’m not denying that there are still parts of the world where this is just not the case, nor am I saying that there are no ongoing issues when it comes to gender equality… far from it! But things, really for the first world, are not that bad and we should not take it for granted.

Double Standards

Although things are going fine in the scheme of things, I believe double standards are still present where it can be desirable for one group and deplorable for another. It’s these double standards that are typically used by the radical sides as they pick and choose what suits their arguments best.

A man can’t slap a woman (but when she does it I’m sure she had a good reason). Just like discrimination against women is wrong (but discrimination against men is called equal opportunity). Women should not be objectified in magazines; it’s degrading (as we reach for our yearly Hot Firemen Calendar… well done boys, rrrrrrr!)

The coin flips both ways as women are ball busters for asking what time he’ll be home after drinks with the guys (meanwhile, she has 4 missed calls thirty minutes into girls night). Marriage is a way to trap men (and women supposedly ‘won’ the lottery there). That guy slept around and tells dirty jokes… what a legend (same for her… that’s a bit vulgar don’t you think, you dirty slut? 😉

It’s important that we don’t fall into the traps of such double standards as I think the majority of us get along just fine with the opposite sex; and any conflicts are often just as a result of someone’s behavior (i.e. are they being an ass or not) rather than whether they have an extra X or Y chromosome.

So in conclusion to what has been by longest rant yet, men are from Mars, women are from Venus; and there’s nothing wrong with that. We should embrace our differences and focus on equality where it matters. People should be evaluated on their behavior and attitude towards others, not on their gender (nor race/religion/sexual preference … but that’s a whole new topic).

In my books, it doesn’t matter what is between your legs… if you’re nice to me then I’ll be nice to you.

If you continuously harass people in any way or form it’s not because you’re a man or a woman, it’s simply because you’re being an asshole… and both genders have those!

Positive Psychology: 9 Habits of Happy People

Often, when writing psychology related articles, my topics tend to focus on understanding problem areas, dealing with struggles and how to cope with challenges. The stigma around ‘having a problem’, as being the main reason why someone would need to see a mental health professional, is still very present. However, the study of Positive Psychology (or as some are calling it ‘the science of happiness’) is growing and people are focusing more and more on the strengths that lie beneath and how to access these even before any ‘problems’ arise.

There are literally thousands of books and websites claiming they have the solution on how to live a happy life. I’m sure most, if not all, of them are right in their own way. Happiness is different for everyone and changes significantly throughout our lives as our own priorities change along with it (what made you happy as an adolescent might not do it anymore for you as an adult).

Our personality traits, interest etc also determine our individual definitions of happiness. While one person gets great joy from being surrounded by a large number of friends, another person might prefer to hide in a quiet room and curl up with a book.

I won’t be writing anything that hasn’t been written a million times before, but I thought I would summarise for you the 10 habits I’ve witnessed to be most effective on people’s happiness:

1. Be Kind, Always 

People who cultivate kindness tend to me happier and show less signs of depression. Being kind to others and caring for others, tends to make us feel good ourselves (like they say, there are no selfless good deeds). So not only do you better someone else’s life, but you’re also improving your own in the process.

Being kind, doesn’t mean we need to always go overboard and ‘save’ everyone that crosses our path.. Kindness can be shown in the simplest of forms by acknowledging someone with a smile, wishing someone a good day or reaching out to someone who might need your help (however big or small that help is).  It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.

2. Recognise your Strengths and Work with your Weaknesses 

Studies (such as M. Seligman’s research in Positive Psychology) have shown that people who discovered their unique strengths and used them for more than their own personal goals, are generally happier.

I would say this also goes hand in hand with recognising your own weaknesses and working with them, rather than letting them hold you back.

Strengths include, but are certainly not limited to, things such as integrity, critical thinking, humanity, motivation, determination, kindness, open-mindedness and many more.

Weaknesses such as people-pleasing, self criticism, prejudice, discrimination etc should be acknowledged (after all, none of us are prefect), but we can work around or with them in our path to improving ourselves and how we are with others.

3. Mindfulness and Positive Thinking

As a psychologist, the word ‘mindfulness’ and positive thinking, often had some of my patients roll their eyes as they sat back and expected the caricature speech on yoga positions, relaxation exercises and group therapy (even though they’ve all been proven highly effective, but that’s not my point 😉

Mindfulness is focusing on the here and now, and what is around us. It’s being aware of our situation, our feelings around it and the effects they may be causing. Practising mindfulness does not require you to be incredibly spiritual or religious, and it can be done by anyone as it is something we naturally do. However, practising it on a regular basis, allows us to strengthen it as it can help us improve our state of mind.

Positive thinking, in conjunction with being mindful, focuses on our appreciation of the good things we experience and have in life and allows us to better manage the negative flows that often cross our way.

Practising mindfulness does not necessarily require you to be in the seated position surrounded by only quietness. We can be mindful whilst doing every day activities. Pay attention to your breathing, get in touch with your feelings, or get lost in the flow of doing everyday simple activities you enjoy (for me personally, cleaning gets me very relaxed, as I can just ‘switch off’ and focus only on the task at hand) .

4. Laugh 

Laughing truly is the best medicine. Laughing (like exercising) triggers the release of endorphins, which are our body’s feel good chemicals, as well as decreases stress levels and increase our immune cells.

Not only do we see physical benefits form laughter, but it also takes a load of our mental burdens and strengthens our emotional health.

It’s not always easy to find situations in which we can spontaneously burst out in fits of laughter (although the concept of ‘laugh yoga’ is increasingly becoming more popular), but we can find ways to at least spark a grin here and there. Smiling is a good start.. a smile is contagious and can go a long way not just for you but for others as well.

Spend your time with playful people and appreciate the humour in life. It’s important to remember the funny side of things and to appreciate the laughter when it happens.

5. Live healthy and Move 

I could write an entire article alone in this, as everyone has their own definition of what ‘eating healthy’ and ‘exercise’ means.

To put it simply, eating healthy involves eating fresh food, avoiding processed meals, junk food and unhealthy fat/sugar levels. How you want to go about that and to what extreme is your choice. Basically, feed your body what it needs rather than what it wants (ok… from time to time also eat what it wants, because eating a treat often contributes greatly to our happiness as well 😉

Exercise does not mean spending your life in the gym (although if that makes you happy then absolutely go for it!). With exercise here, in order to promote happiness, I mean moving your body every day to get your endorphins going. This can be as simple as a 30 minute walk, taking the stairs instead of an elevator or walking that extra block to avoid taking the bus.

6. Nurture Positive Relationships  

Humans are social animals. Surrounding ourselves with people we care about often has an immediate impact on our levels of happiness. Again, this differs for many people as some are perfectly happy with one or two people close to them whereas others thrive from interacting within a large group.

The number of people in your life isn’t the important aspect here, but rather the effort you put into your relationships that matters.

Social relationships come and go and even the closest of friendships can dissolve in time. Having social relationships takes effort from all parties involved and should not be taken for granted. The focus should not be on ‘how often’ you see someone, but on ‘how meaningful’ it is when you do. Happy people tend to surround themselves with people who make them feel good instead of negative people (misery loves company). Happy people also nurture their relationships by talking about the things that matter and resolving any issues that might come up.

7. Be Inspired to Grow 

There are two different mindsets… People who are ‘fixed in their ways’ and who refuse the notion that they can change because they feel that this is who they are. When confronted with something they don’t know, people with such a mindset might find themselves feeling overwhelmed or hopeless about something they feel they can’t handle. When people show a more open-minded approach, it encourages them to learn from and improve their footprint in the world. Open-minded people don’t shy away from a challenge, which in turn builds the tools we need to manage difficulties in life or make necessary adjustments. Challenges are viewed as opportunities, and succeeding in them leaves us feeling happier with ourselves.

8. Find a Balance 

Being happy doesn’t mean we constantly need to walk around with a smile, making us feel as if we slept with a hanger in our mouth. There is nothing wrong with allowing ourselves to feel the bad things, and to complain as we work through them. Life is not  all rainbows and sunshine and we can often find ourselves in a downright sh*t storm. But even a thunder storm helps the tree get rid of dead branches (how’s that for positive visualisation! ha!)

Let yourself feel the negativity, we can’t live without it, but try to find ways not to let yourself drown in it.

For example, after a negative experience, focusing on what you have learnt from it or how you can improve/avoid it in the future, might help in processing it and moving on.

9. Make an Effort  

Happiness that lasts is built through habits. It’s easy to get sucked in by the daily routines and struggles that sometimes impede on our happiness. It’s also hard to sometimes not let go of the negatives and overthink where we went wrong. We can’t sit around and do nothing expecting happiness to fall in our laps, nor can be expect happiness to stay if we don’t actively do things to maintain it. This should not be seen as ‘work’, but rather as seeing that the mere actions of these habits is what makes us feel happy in the first place. This doesn’t mean we can’t allow ourselves to feel the negatives, it just means that, on some days, we might need to push harder to focus on the positives.

If you want to be happier, or want to continue to strengthen your happiness, try out some of the above habits!

Remember, the definition of happiness is different for all of us, so don’t compare yourself with others, but focus on what is important to you in order to increase your everyday ‘happy’ and dive in, head first …

“When we try our hardest not to be a f°ker, but we end up being a bigger f°ker just to outf°k the f°ckers”: Can’t we all just get along?

After a recent rage induced build up, resulting in my first public argument with a total stranger, I got to thinking why the number of ‘assholes’ seems to have increased in our society over the last few years? Have they always been there? Am I just more susceptible to them now? Or worse even.. am I an asshole myself?

I did a little brainstorming session on the possible causes responsible for “assehole-itis” (which funnily enough is actually a term already defined on the internet).

1. Delusional Anonymity

Because the world is becoming vastly overpopulated, it’s only natural we’re running out of space. The morning rush on public transport with a sea of nameless faces, endless traffic jams and access to the Internet behind a hidden desk; all provide us with this false sense of anonymity. We can pretty much do what we want and no-one knows who we are or where they can find us, which in turn could lead us to forget about the consequences of our own crappy behaviors. You see, “we try our hardest not to be a fucker, but people we deal with everyday are fuckers, so we become a bigger fucker, just to outfuck the fuckers” . I read that somewhere a while back, I couldn’t tell you the original author, but they were spot on! I think most of us do try to be the best we can be, but even the best intentions have their limits.

Treatment for this does not require taking drastic measures, like hugging random strangers out of the blue, but rather starting with the basics, like the common smile. When making eye contact with someone, a smile goes a long way (please note: this can be brief and minimal – staring with an overbearing grin for longer than 4 seconds will most likely result in the person freaking out a bit and probably changing seats). If you accidentally bump into someone,that’s okay, sh*t happens, but excuse yourself and continue on your busy day.

When in the car, I know- I for one- have a very short fuse.. It drives me crazy when people don’t indicate, drive careless and don’t even get me started on what I think of texting and driving (idiots). It would be unrealistic to expect we all drive like saints following the speed limit to the dot with our hands on the 10 and 2 position at the wheel…and yes, it becomes a bit of an ‘eat or be eaten’ mentality on the road at times, but just be careful. It goes without saying that if your driving also puts others at significant risk, you’re not considering the consequences (and if you do think about the consequences but still don’t care, well then my friend, you’re an asshole).

2. Social Media overload 

It’s true that social media networks have given every man and his dog a platform to share their ideas. I remember the days where our news feeds were flooded with people’s lunches, holiday pics and baby/pet gushers… but lately the majority of posts seem to comprise more opinion pieces, scary documentaries and 500 different ways on how I will get cancer from pretty much anything I eat…. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support the right for absolutely anyone to share their opinions and info (our differences is what makes us such a dynamic bunch!). However, when social media is no longer based on sharing information but rather aiming towards judging others for not thinking the same and downright spreading the hatred, that’s another story (I’m looking at you, Donald Trump). This isn’t just limited to the big guns like politics and religion though, as people are becoming more and more divided on daily topics (what we eat, marriage equality, how we parent, the things we watch on TV, the fact we even watch TV at all, etc)

Since when did it become an intolerant “us vs them” mentality as opposed to the less aggressive “let’s agree to disagree” attitude? I’m not suggesting we all go hug a tree together, but unless someone’s opinion or actions are directly affecting your life in a negative way, do we really need to break each other down the way we do and create even more hatred in an already pissed-off society?

3. Seasonal Affective Disorder 

This is an actual mood disorder that affects an individual the same time each year, usually starting when the weather becomes colder, and ends when the weather becomes warmer. People with SAD feel depressed during the shorter days of winter, and more cheerful and energetic during the brightness of spring and summer. It seems to be related more to daylight rather than temperature.  That being said, of course, not every Grouchy Marx in winter is diagnosed with this disorder, but I have noticed a difference in behaviors during the colder seasons (especially on the train where people are sweaty from their thick coats and pressed together like sardines).

For those who truly struggle with this, treatments such as light therapy and medication (for more severe cases) are available. For the rest of us who are just grumpier in winter, we need to acknowledge that it’s not our neighbor’s fault that it rained last night nor can the woman on the bus help it that you slipped on that patch of ice earlier (unless she pushed you, then well..).

4. The Departure of Basic Etiquette 

Gone are the days of curtsying, bowing and throwing your coat over a puddle. But it seems that basic etiquette rules have reduced (and a few disappeared all together) for some people. Again, this doesn’t have to go to the extreme case of shaking everyone’s hand in the store and striking up a conversation, but knowing a few basic terms will help us go a long way and not shit on anyone’s day. Words such as “hello”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome” and “goodbye” are still in today’s dictionary… let’s use them more often.

I stopped counting the times where I’ve seen people buy something at the store without eye contact or any form of acknowledgement of the seller, or where strangers tell another stranger to ‘fuck off’ merely because they were standing in their way, and many more examples come to mind.

It’s okay to not be the friendliest, most social person in the world… just don’t be a dick.

5. Someone else’s story 

Of course, anonymous-fast and the furious-Facebook-users standing in the cold, are not the only ones that can act out and behave like an a-hole. We don’t know everyone’s backstory and you could be having the worst day of your life, with someone else’s feelings being the last thing on your mind. But be mindful, that this goes both ways..

Just be kind to people, always, as everyone is battling their own demons that we know nothing about…

The last thing I want, is to encourage a divided society of thin skinned wieners who get offended at the slightest hint of conflict. We can of course still clash with each and show our annoyance at others…we can be angry, grumpy, and downright moody when we need to.. but there are many ways we can do so, and being an asshole is just not a very productive one.

Disagree, just don’t be disagreeable…